As mentioned in an earlier post, I classify hangovers on a scale. This scale is completely scientific and takes into account years of research and thousands of beers. So without further ado, I present to you The Hangover Scale:
Category 1: Pussy shit. I imagine this is the kind of hangover girls get, then complain. To most prolific drinkers, this might not even appear to be a hangover. Possibly a mild headache and dry mouth are possible symptoms. If someone tells you they have a category 1 HO, then they have a vagina, hands down.
Category 2: Not quite baby shit. This is when you wake up and go straight to the shitter to take a massive dump. Solid dump here, nothing messy. After said satisfying beer poop, a headache my linger. After sufficient water and eggs, these symptoms should dissipate. Typical after a solid night of drinking. If anyone complains about having a category 2 HO, then they just have a small dick.
Category 3: Being in the middle of the scale, this is neither excruciating nor an easy ordeal. Headache is borderline severe, and lingers. The solid poops of the cat 2 are gone and are replaced by their ugly half-cousin, the spin art poop. This is the kind of poop that sneaks up on your guts, grabs them, and steers you to the nearest poop receptacle. This is NOT a satisfying event. Once said demon has been expelled, water should be consumed. Slight nausea may also accompany the headache. Cat 3 HOs, are excusable to complain about, but only if you have no external genitalia.
Category 4: This is when shit starts to get real. Nausea, headache, regret. All classic symptoms of a cat 4. This is when your body starts to revolt on you.
Category 5: This is the big one. The mack daddy. Upon waking up you immediatly ponder death. This is when you think you may have done permenant damage to your body. Symptoms include nausea, vomtting, headache, sensitivity to light, noise, and movement. Likely causes are vodka tequila, or Ecuadorian sugar cane rum. Cat 5 makes you swear to never drink again.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
man i can't believe how much of that rum you drank
does category 5 include blacking out the night before? If not, a category 6 may be required. Nothing makes me swear alcohol away more than not being able to remember how I arrived in my current situation--given that it is a situation that involves nakedness and puke.
Its a sliding scale
I def had a cat 4 this past Sunday, not 3
Post a Comment