Throwback Post

Here's another throwback from my old journal:

And on the seventh day, god created lunchladies.... well almost. What I am about to tell you is something so secret about catholic religion that not even Mr Tessier knows about it. Here't goes:

It was the final day of creation or whatever and god had just finished adam and eve and was working on his final creation. "My final creation shalt be thine maker of the sandwich and chicken products," God said merrily to himself, for he is a jolly fellow, "this maker shalt hold the most coveted recipes sacred, including the sandwich of the bagel and the puff of potato. And she shalt be of utmost beaer" were crumpled up and on the floor, general unfinished. God either A) lost interest B) determined that he was already in college and didn't need to work hard anymore or C) his internet started working again so he played halo and/or watched copious amounts of porn. Anyway, the plans for "thine sandwich maker" found its way to the mitts of Satan himself, thats right Beelzebub.
Being Satan (you know, red, evil, mustache) Satan decided there was still time to work this "maker" into the likes of mankind. Thusly, Satan scribbled mustaches over all the pretty lady faces, made them fat, stupid, smelly, or worst of all foreign to all nations in the world.
In the last minute of creation Satan released his work into the cafetoriums of schools and prisons nationwide. His work was known as "The Lunchlady Demon Blood Sucker with a Woman Mustache and Gross Facial and Body Features that Would Make any Mere Mortal Puke" or in short "The Lunchlady". All over the world, mauty, kindness, and intellect."
Twenty minutes later, god's blueprints for "thine sandwich makn was plagued with the hideous creatures. Satan was pleased until man realized the secrets of the Lunchlady. Man became aware that the lunchladies held god's sacred knowledge of combining foods and making things edible that shouldn't be. Satan was furious! No where in Hell could he find bagel sandwiches or chicken nuggets with tumors! But ever mortal man had access to such delecasies. God had surely smiled upon man that day.

However, Lunchladies still possessed the traits that Satan had given them. The ugliness, the stupidity, and the stank. Whatev. At least sometimes they screw up teh change and give me a five instead of a quarter. Well this story is over cuz I really have to shit.