A Death and the Future

First off, RIP Evel Knievel. The Roy medal of awesomeness will now be renamed The Evel Knievel Medal of Awesomeness.

Read Bill Simons today. He was writing a letter to his past self. Time travels inrtigues me greatly. Every day I wake up hoping that maybe today is the day. Of course the day I'm talking about the day when my future self comes back to tell me important future things (Zombie attacks, communist invasion, asteroid attack?). So today I'm going to use my time machine I call the internet and go back to high school. Here is a tip of the hat to my past blog. Enjoy:

Feb. 6th, 2005

If Lex Luthor can be a super villain, anybody can. He put together a team made out of a clown, an eskimo, a zombie, a monkey, and a chick in cat pajamas. The last time a team like that got put together was when the special olympics put on an updated-for-the-nineties production of the Breakfast Club. Most people wouldn't throw a quarter to a group of freaks like that, but Lex took them up against the Super Friends. He's paved the way for egomaniac high school dropouts with no powers to put on spandex and take over universes. You know, people like Oprah or the Backstreet Boy that shakes his ant farm.

Lex Luthor had cameras everywhere. It didn't matter if Green Lantern was on the toilet or if Superman was 3 galaxies away enjoying a bowl of cereal, Lex Luthor could put it up on the big screen if he wanted. Sometimes, if you were too lucid while you were watching the show, you'd notice, but most times you didn't care that Luthor was watching a tight closeup of a couple Super Friends fixing a satellite. Luthor had to have had the hugest collection of blackmail tapes. His tapes at home are probably labelled "French Ambassador with Transvestite Hooker," "Prime Minister Eating what he Found in his Nose," and "Monkey Fucking Dog." Why did he go through with all the complicated mind control bullshit when he could have quietly extorted money from every country's government without the Super Friends even knowing?

The only thing he Lex got right about being a mad scientist is being short-sightedly ambitious. Scientists are always so excited about making giant monsters and clones, they never seem to think ahead to when they'll go berserk and try to eat them. Lex is the same way. He wanted to control the entire universe. The entire universe. Has he thought about how big a pain in the ass that's going to be? He has enough trouble keeping his friends from trashing the Hall of Doom every time he holds a staff meeting. Every time he calls roll, they destroy so much shit it takes the next week just to rebuild their headquarters.

Start off with a lemonade stand, Luthor. Work your way up to fruit truck, and then maybe open an ice cream shop. You can rule over it however you want, and it will make you a lot more money than getting punched in the face by Superman every weekend.

The best thing about Luthor is his diplomacy. They trashed a lot of furniture, but the fact that he can keep these maniacs from killing each other is probably the most super talent of anyone there. There's not a group therapist in the world that could walk into the Hall of Doom and keep a fight from breaking out. There's no chapter on talking gorillas and eskimos with snowball guns in the psychotherapy handbook. No amount of caring and sharing is going to keep a room full of stupid insane people from freaking out and firing off their weapons. How does Luthor do it? There's nothing to do in the Hall of Doom to keep them busy except a giant TV. Yeah, it's big, but thirteen crazy people and one TV? My sister and I almost lit the house on fire fighting over what to watch, and there were only two of us. Plus, we weren't diagnosed with even half the shit those crazy bastards had wrong with them.

He started letting the other members start coming up with plans, and that turned into a huge mess. A simple plan to rob a bank would turn into building an orbital mind ray to hypnotize world leaders into commanding their troops to find an ancient artifact that can summon a monster, so they can use the monster to spy on the bank and get the combination to the safe so they can get a trained bunny to run in and get the money, as soon as Gorilla Grodd finishes the sleep generator to take care of the guards. Meanwhile, there's two high school dropouts in the bank who figured out how to get the same results as the Legion's plan with a fake machine gun and a couple Halloween masks.

It's a good thing the Legion's plans always failed. Not for our sake; what do we care if some mental patients in stupid costumes rob our banks? Our accounts are federally insured. I'm saying that it's a good thing they failed, because if they were successful, they'd end up tallying their take home pay, and realize they're in the hole 80 million dollars per mission. Extorting money from world nations makes you money, but have you ever looked into the cost of an oribital death ray, or a flying submersible headquarters? Fuck the Super Friends, the Legion of Doom really needs to worry about the collection agencies and repo men.