Movie Recap 2010

So, sometimes I go to the movies. Sometimes I see really good flicks, sometimes I see really bad ones. It's like eating a pizza. Sometimes I eat really good zas, and its the bomb, I can't stop talking about how awesome the pizza was. Like a good movie. Bad pizza, like bad movies, suck but at least I'm eating pizza, aka I enjoy watching movies... well most of the time. Anyway, I've comprised a list of movies all of the movies I saw in theaters this year. This list may or may not be complete, and considering Tron and True Grit have yet to come out there is at least two I haven't seen yet. Regardless he's the moving pictures I've seen this year, and a little blurb, or perhaps a big blurb, about them.

(Note: This isn't in any kind of order, at all, so back off man)

- Black Swan
If you had told me I would ever see a movie that revolves around the world of ballet I would've probably called you an idiot. If you said I would've seen that movie and really liked it, I would've called you a liar, and possibly pointed out that your pants were on fire. This one is still making its way out there, so I don't want to spoil anything. The trailers have no idea how to spin this one, but I can spin it for them. Go see this.

- Inception

This movie squeezed my mind grapes of every last ounce of sweet thinking juice they had. A movie about dreams that made me feel as though I was dreaming. If you haven't seen this one yet, you've fucked up, pain and simple. Dear Chris Nolan, when you and your bro are ready to pass on your magic writing dust, I'll be more than willing to take it off your hands.

- Enter the Void
There is probably a 97% chance you haven't seen this movie. An erratic and challenging piece about life and love, shook me all the way down to the black stuff in my guts. One of the few movies I've ever seen where I had to look away from the screen. Visceral is an understatement. After viewing, it was like a worm had been planted in my brain and for a good week or so I couldn't shake it. Not for everyone, probably not 'FOR' anyone.

- Toy Story 3

This was like Enter the Void on PCP. But seriously folks, if you didn't see this one or have no emotional response to your childhood memories getting tossed into an incinerator, then stop reading this blog because youre just a shit human being.

- The Town
This movie was a huge Boston bonah. Kid, this movie was wicked sick and shit. Again, but seriously, this movie was a pretty solid c+/b-. Having an attachment to Boston definitely boosted this one. Its no Gone Baby Gone, but it was still a fun ride. Blake Lively (who?) killed it.

- Due Date
More like meh date. Zach Galifinakis shot par for his usual humor course, and RDJr was slickity slick like Tony Stark, but overall this just didn't have the humorous punch of Old School or even The Hangover (other Tod Phillips ventures for all you non cinemaphiles out there.)

- Social Network
A movie about facebook without having to look at your pregnant friends or people making shitty decisions (or both?). Jesse Eisenberg hit a fucking home run as the facebook founder. Would've been a shoe-in for best actor is 127 Hours hadn't come out this year. Still a great flick, but why wouldn't it be with the writer director combo equivalent of World's Finest (google that if you don't know it, I'm too lazy to explain my nerd lingo).

- Scott Pilgrim vs The World

You didn't see this movie, and you have fucked up. Absolve your sins by buying the blu-ray. Seriously.

- The Expendables
I found it funny that the main characters all wore lots of leather, while being quite leathery themselves. Watch a pack of old catcher's mits blow shit up and shoot things for an hour and a half. It'll make you feel American again. Terry Crews has the best line of the movie.

- 127 Hours
No zombies, no bollywood, and no sunshine, this Danny Boyle flick is still a winner and a half. Jimmy Franco drops an atomic bomb of drama as the camera probes his pain stricken face for a good hour. I knew what was going to happen, didn't matter. Go and see this, even my Mom liked it.

- Iron Man 2
I don't remember anything about this movie other than the fact that the screening I went to had two special guests. Some no names calling themselves Robert Downey Jr. and Jon Favreau

- Kick Ass

Good fun. If anything a good way to get new, fresh, bodies into the local comic shop. Most kills by a 9 year old I've ever seen on film. Nick Cage is classy as a top hat.

- Shutter Island
This movie was very c+.

- Predators
This movie was SUPRISINGLY C+

- Alice in Wonderland (3D)
Headache city. I wanted to leave this movie. Made me feel like throwing up.

- Robin Hood

Seen Braveheart? Seen Gladiator? Know who Robin Hood is? There you go. You just saw Robin Hood.

- Hot Tub Time Machine
Some good laughs. 80s parody overload.

I think that's it. If you want to know more of my opinions on any movie, I could probably tell you in person. For real. On commission.

The Christmas Spirit of Vengeance

"Now I have a machine gun. Ho! Ho! Ho!"

Why didn't I think of this on Halloween?!

I bet when you read that you totally had a euro trash terrorist accent in your head. That, my friends is what we call a Christmas miracle. Much like the hit single 'Miracles' by the prolific Insane Clown Posse, Christmas Miracles are everywhere and scientists don't know shit about them. Seriously, magic is just stronger at Christmas. Like I mentioned, scientists are completely baffled by this (and magnets). However, I believe I have found the source of all this X-Mass mysticism, the one and only Santa Claus. I mean, for Christs sake (get it, Christ? Christmas? lololol) Santa is a goddamn wizard, actually more like a druid... pretty sure he's an elf and or a giant dwarf. Cross class druid/wizard elf/dwarf hrybrid? Would explain the unreal agility and resistance to cold. Don't believe me? Let's do a quick wizard comparison here.

Gandalf: Arguably the most legit Wizard, ever.
- White Beard: check
- Multiple Aliases: check ( Mithrandir, Greyhame, Stormcrow, Olórin, Incánus, Tharkûn)
- Has a way with animals (giant eagles, moths): check
- Owns a glorious steed: check (Shadowfax)

Totally badass.

- Hangs out with elves, but they are totally his bitch: check
- Has magic powers: check (killed Balrog, essentially saved Middle Earth)
- Knows how to party: check check check x10000

Fireworks and Pipeweed bitches, let's get bombed!

Santa: Arguably the most legit fat man
- White Beard: check (hell, even impostors sport the white beard)
- Multiple Aliases: check (Father Christmas, Papa Noel, Santa Clause, Chimney John)
- Has a way with animals: check (he can make them fucking fly)
- Owns a glorious steed: check (Rudolph)

"Call me when Shadowfax has his own Monopoly" -Love, Rudolph

- Hangs with elves, but they are totally his bitch: check (ho,ho,ho now I need 3000 silly bands by sundown)
- Has magic powers: check (time manipulation, the everseeing eye of agamotto, size manipulation, cheer generation)
- Knows how to party: check (Santa was the first man on Earth to put booze in his nog. truth)

Batman, you can shove your mumbles up your ass. We're all getting wasted with Santa.

I mean, I'm no wikileaks here people but the proof is in the Christmas pudding. Either Santa is a wizard, or he's a fictional character created to bring cheer to those unlucky enough to live where it get below the freezing point.

Middle Earth Tabloid Cover Story

Regardless, hohoho I have a machine gun. Go watch Die Hard, it's my favorite Christmas movie.

Halloweenies

It's October 18th, do you know what you're going to be for Halloween? If you said ''no, because I'm too old for that shit'', then fuck you stop reading my blog you un-fun turd. If you said ''yes'' then good for you, you over prepared turd. If you said ''Oh shit, it's October?" then read on my faithful friend because I've got the cure for what ails ya!

So the knowledge I'm going to drop in this blog is all about the magic of costume making. Ever since I was a young lad, I'd always make my own costumes. Whether this meant getting things from Good Will or having Ma stitch something together, my costumes were rarely, if ever store bought. Don't be lazy and unoriginal so get on the DIY train and do that shit yourself. Here some tip-a-roos:

1) Don't go for store bought costumes: Why? Well first off, they suck. They look cheap, are made of cheap material, and often smell like old rubber. Whenever I see someone with one of those cheesy store bought costumes, a part of my soul dies. The old argument is that it's cheaper. Really? Paying 40+ dollars for a pile of shit is cheaper than putting together an original piece with things form Good Will? Doubt it. Seriously, if I had a nickle for every shitty store bought Mad Hatter costume Im going to see this year, I'd have like... 3 dollars. But seriously.

FUCK YOU

2) You're more creative than you think.  Use your head a little. Good costumes just don't happen over night. Think about what you like, what suits you, or what makes you laugh. Now look around the house, in your closest, garage, torture dungeon, and put start putting things together. You'll be surprised at what interesting treasures you'll find. Imagination is key. Turn trash and junk into something fun... fuck did I just type that?

Before

After

3) Keep it simple, dummy. Obviously not everyone has the know-how, or cash, for a perfect Iron Man armor replica costume. Stick to what your know. Maybe you aren't comfortable using power tools, alright use a glue gun. Maybe the sewing kit isn't for you, use tape or velcro. If the costume is simple, you can hit a grand slam with minimal effort. Example: John McClain from Die Hard. Easy costume that with minimal effort can look great!

Yippi-Ki-Yay

So don't be a Halloweenie this year and get yourself a great custom costume!

Oil Change

Had to get an oil change today. Most likely overdue.... but, whatever I like ridin' dirty. Anyway, without wheels, without anything to do, and feeling a bit like a zombie, I journeyed to the mall. Let's just start this off with a general theme: The Burbank Town Center has some really weird stores. I went into this one store that was just random Japanese shit. Like Gundam models and little plastic sushi. It was a decent place to waste time. Basically just looking at every little stupid toy in a box. Then, two floors below there is like this... Asian interior design thing store. They have fountains, and bamboo things. Two sketchy dudes were checking out the large variety of swords. Many replicas of anime swords. All I could think was, "Who buys this shit?... well besides the sketchy guys buying Final Fantasy VII replicas."

I bought some incense. It was apple scented. The sales woman said, "Oh, apple. Very fresh." To which I replied, "Yeah, fresh". It was a good time.

I the fled the mall and stumbled my way down San Fernando. I came across this book store, which ironically is called ''something'' movie, or something like that. In reality they had like 200 VHS tapes and approximately 500,000 books, give or take 1,000,000,000 books. This place was like something out of a Harry Potter movie. I expected to see some floating books or some shit. The book keeper was a stout little troll, sifting through a massive stack of sci-fi and mystery paper backs. He grunted something at me and I scurried into the nearby aisle. This place would give Storm a heart attack. I mean serious claustrophobia. Bookifobia is more like it. The stacks were well over my head and arranged in narrow rows. I found a book of Leonard Nemoy's poetry, but couldn't justify coughing up 20 bones haha. The growing smell of musty old books eventually repelled me from the tomes.

With no call from the oil monger, I decided to grab an ice cream from Foster's Freeze. This place is like a bizarro world Dairy Queen. Like something that would be a hang out for a TV show. Is this place just a West Coast thing? Anyway I order the 'Cherry and Brownie Twister aka blizzard'. Looking back it's quite a girly flavor. It also kind of sounds like a Tyler Perry movie. Tyler Perry presents: "Brownie and Cherry"... kind of forgot the punch line for that one... use your imagination.

So I crush that, but it ended up being too much. Gives me more respect for that man vs food guy. He must go through some serious shit... and some serious SHITS *Heyyooooo*. I chucked a good quarter of it and strolled back to the mechanic. Car wasn't ready yet, but whatever. The office/waiting room had a tv playing Inside Edition. This is some serious Paul Verhoeven shit. Stories about people falling off cliffs next to stories about some hooker claiming her son is a Tiger Woods love baby. Then every commercial has some crazy jingle, or stupid dance. Powerful stuff.

Whatever got the oil changed. Mission accomplished.

BEAT DRUMS! BEAT DRUMS!

Muppet (n): 1) A puppet thing. Normally some sort of anthropomorphic animal, typically bearing large googly eyes, poofy hair, and/or large floppy mouths 2) A person with physical qualities that closely resemble a muppet, typically brought on by old age.

Seeing a human muppet is not that uncommon. As the definition states it is typically brought on by old age, and old muppets are everywhere. On the bus, crossing the street, trying to buy things, staring at electronics with googly-eyed bewilderment. Literally, old human muppets are everywhere. However, it is quite rare to catch a human muppet at earlier stages in its life. What I'm about to present to you all, is some rare footage of one of the youngest human muppets discovered in the wild. Without further ado, I present to you the Crazy Dummer, of the Animal family of human muppets:

Exhibit A (totally safe for work)

Exhibit B (also totally safe for work)

NOTE: How lame are his bandmates? The Allnighters? More like the All-lamos. Do they even know what's going on behind them?

Totally Badass

Been a while, but fuck that not like ya'll care anyway. Hopefully you've been able to mine your humor nuggets elsewhere on the interwebs in my leave. Alas I have returned to provide you with some well placed wit and mirth to make you daily LOL quotient that much higher. Or maybe you'll think it's totally shit, entirely up to you. So without further ado, I present a new edition of 5 Awesome Things and 1 That Sucks (or whatever I'm calling this thing). Today's topic: Badass Villains.

1) Hans Gruber

 (Figure 4.1: Yes we can... defeat John McClain and run off with a zillion dollars in bonds!)

Hans is a bad ass villain for a mountain of reasons. He gets a race bonus of +15 to villainy for being German. His accent just sounds better saying things like 'Kill HIM!' moreso than it does 'Let me bag that for you'. Needless to say, he was born to be badass. An underestimated trait of Gruber's is that he understands the value (or non-value) of the henchman. Henchmen are something you need, but dont' necessarily want to pay, much like a production assistant. Along the way you're most likely going to lose a handfull or two to the hero, so don't blow all your cash arming these idiots to the teeth, because John McClain, or Rambo, or whoever hero is in your grill is going to end up with those weapons anyway. Instead Hans, chooses his team wisely, filling out his ranks with a bucket of schmucks with a badass super-hench to back them up. Then, as they get picked off, Hans doesn't sweat it, because that means more money for him and his Urkel rip-off hacker dude. "Now I have a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho." Indeed!



2) Xenia Onatop

(Figure 4.2: Mr. Bond, it appears as though you're in a bit of a bind. MUAHAHAHA!)

James Bond has come across a lot of hilariously jokey names in his time (Pussy Galore, Honey Rider, Plenty O'Toole, and Strawberry Fields come to mind). You would think after a while the world's greatest spy would just start rolling his eyes whenever someone went to introduce themselves. He'd be all like 'Let me guess sexy lady, you're name is... Ivanna Fuke?'. Anyway, Xenia Onatop is one of my fave Bond villains, and not only for her incredibly jokeful name. What separates her from the rest of the Bond Baddie pack is her ... erm... talents. Ms. Onatop (tee hee) gets off on hurting other people, more specifically squeezing people to death with her fine-ass legs. Both hot and terrifying, much like the Double Down. Most villains like killing, Xenia likes LIKES killing, more than a friend if you catch my drift. Ironically JB kills her by crushing her, more or less, with a helicopter. Gotta give it to Bond, he knows how to handle women... amiright?!


3) Boba Fett

(Figure 4.3: Boba Fett: Hunter of Men, Slayer of Women)

Boba is hands down the baddest assed clone to ever exist... well besides maybe that time when Lex Luthor cloned himself. Anyway, imagine if you cloned yourself. You'd literally know everything about you, and could therefore counter all of your weaknesses by teaching yourself how not to suck. Now imagine if you're the illest soldier in the galaxy and the government has just offered you a shitload of credits for an army worth of your clones. As payment I'd totally ask for a test model... I mean why not? Taking care of a clone of yourself would be easier than caring for a cat. So anyway, Boba Fett is Jano Fett but basically with a lifetime of experience. Plus he totally fell in the Sarlac Pit and didn't die. Baller.



4) Lex Luthor

(Figure 4.4: Because of Superman, someone is gonna be down 40 cakes...)

Like all these articles, you can't escape without a comic book reference. So here is arguably my favorite comic book villain, Lex Luthor. For starters, he hates Superman as much as I do. Honestly, Superman is a dork, and a douche... and a fucking asshole. If it wasn't for Superman, Earth wouldn't constantly be hosting these insane battles against Supes and whatever alien wants to battle his dumb ass. Luthor, a mere mortal, is all like 'fuck that, I don't like aliens playin' all up on my Earth'. So without any powers, minus a big 'ol bald brain, Luthor goes about building an empire to crush Superman. So basically its a nerd versus one of the strongest beings  in the universe. Think of it this way: if Superman wasn't on Earth, Luthor would be the world's greatest hero. He seriously hates Superman that much, and that's badass.


5) Bowser

(Figure 4.5: Fuck you Mario. PS DO NOT google image search for Bowser and Peach... trust me)

A key ingredient for all villainy is persistence. Never, EVER, are you going to defeat the hero on the first go-round. Shit like that just doesn't happen. And if for some reason it does? Mother fuckers have extra lives coming out of their pockets like they grow on trees. Sometimes the villain just can't catch a god damn break, yet they keep coming back. Therefore, persistence translates well into badassness, and good ol Bowser has boatloads. All poor Bowser has wanted for damn near 20 years is a little princess pussy. He doesn't want to rule the world, or have infinite riches, or irradiate the world's gold supply. No. He just wants Princess Toadstool. If you ask me that's pretty damn romantic. Then this fucking plunger wielding guido somehow shows up, stomps through his minions, and runs off with aforementioned female royalty. So weak. Despite Mario ruining his life perpetually for two decades, Bowser has no problem showing up for the mustachioed maniac's go-kart races, golf tournaments, or block parties. Bowser is a real stand up guy, someone...er something, I wouldn't mind grabbing a beer with. Mario needs to lighten up and face the fact that Princess is a whore, and maybe she wants to be capture every now and then. Didn't think about that one eh Mario?



1) Biff Tannen

(Figure 4.6: Seriously Biff... you're name is a sound effect)

Normally a villain is given one chance to win. Sure they may best the hero here and there, but overall their ass is going to get kicked and they're going to end up face first in a pile of horseshit. Seriously. The reason Biff (and his past and future selves) is the one that sucks is because he literally has infinite chances to Best the McFly clan. YOU HAVE A FUCKING TIME MACHINE IDIOT! Or at least he did once in the second one. Yet what does Biff do when he has access to the famed DeLorean? He sends his past self a sports almanac... fuck. that. You can literally go anywhere in time, do anything you want, yet you choose to let your past self know the Cleveland Brown's record for the next 50 years. A Butthead indeed.

Derp

Time Bandits

I had a dream last night where I figured out that I was in the past because everyone was listening to Slipknot. When I woke up I thought to myself... "When did anyone listen to Slipknot?". Either way, I was pleased with my ability to determine I had time traveled, and wasn't lumbering around like an oaf saying things like "Ronald Reagan is president?" or "Why are my parents in high school? derp derp". That all segues nicely into this new instillation of 5 Things That Are Awesome and 1 That Sucks. This installments flavor: Time Travelers.


1) Marty McFly

(Figure 3.1: Worst (best?) Fake ID ever)

Duh. Obvious pick right? Well maybe not. At first young Marty is kind of an idiot. It literally takes him an entire day to realize he isn't in 1985 anymore. This is only AFTER his mom tries to bone him. Idiot. However, he redeems himself by (spoiler alert) not getting too mixed up in shit... which in turn makes his future both possible, and bucket loads better. All of this at the expense of the bad guy, Biff. Poor Biff. Is that even a real name? Was anyone ever named that besides bad guys? Marty refines his time travel skillz with trips to the future, and another to the Wild West. While on both journies he defeats the Biff of that time period... so really he just fucks with one guy, through time, forever. Man McFly is a jerk. A fucking cool jerk with a HOVERBOARD!

2) Booster Gold

(Figure 3.2: Booster Gold. Super Hero. Celebrity. Time Traveler. Douch)

You can't expect one of these lists without a comic book based entry... well minus the fruit one.... Anyway, Booster Gold! In his future (the 30th century I think?) he was a high school football star. Ladies wanted him and Gents wanted to be him, all that good stuff. Then he injures himself and/or gets caught doing some insider betting and is out of football forever. Bummer. So like anyone who peaks in high school athletics, Booster becomes a janitor. Luckily for him its this museum of all super hero crap. This is where they keep Batman's first Batmobile and... like... Steel's hammer and shit... I think. So anyway, Booster is all like "Man I wish I was cool, and fought crime and junk like all these heroes of the past. If only I had the keys to unlock all these glass cases.... oh... wait". So basically he steals a flight ring, a force field generator, some other junk, and a robot sidekick. He teams up with the Justice League, and is basically a big prick. Fighting crime for fame, adorning his super suit with sponsor's logos, flirting with the lady heroes, etc. One time he married an old woman, and admitted it was for the money. Now-a-days, Booster is a bit more on the up and up, and travels the 'time stream' with this dude Rip Hunter, basically making sure no Ultra-Humanites or Marty McFlys run around and fuck shit up... good for Booster.

3) Homer Simpson

(Figure 3.3: Homer w/time machine and two idiots)

During one installment of The Treehouse of Horror, Homer finds himself mixed up in little recreational time traveling. Many LoLs followed. Basically he tries to fix a toaster by jamming a fork into it. Being Homer, this doesn't kill him and instead makes the toaster into a time machine. While in the past, Homer remembers the only words of advice his father ever gave him "Homer if you ever find yourself in the past, don't touch anything". For once, Homer listens... kind of. Long story short, Homer fucks shit up and ends up going back and forth through time trying to fix it. He doesn't.... but whatever, Booster Gold will prob fix that shit.

4) George Taylor

(Figure 3.4: Yeah, this looks about right.)

Who? Maybe you're more familiar with Charlton Heston, champion of men, killer of apes? Yeah, thats what I thought. So Mr. Taylor is an astronaut/scientist/badass who ends up on this monkey planet. Long story short the monkey planet turns out to be EARTH, and Charlton Heston gets super pissed off. Especially when he find our that the monkeys blew up the Statue of Liberty. I haven't seen any of the sequels of the apes, but I would like to assume that they are all just Heston charging through the countryside blowing away monkey men with a musket screaming 'YOU DAMN DIRTY APES!'

5) The Terminator

(Figure 3.5: Or nose holes for that matter...)

One time it was sent back to kill Sarah Conner. Then two were sent back, to protect/kill John Conner. THEN two more were sent back AGAIN to protect/kill an older but equally as stupid John Conner.  Then one traveled to the real world and became a governor. winwinwinwin

The One That Sucks

Mr. Peabody and Sherman

(Figure 3.6: A gentleman and an idiot)

Now this should really just be Sherman, but Mr. Peabody gets dragged down by his sidekicks idiocy. Mr. Peabody is a super intelligent talking dog who, for some unknown reason, owns a time machine. For no other reason, other than maybe the fact that he possesses thumbs, Peabody drags along the dunce known as Sherman. This 'child' has the brain capacity of a groundhog, but somehow manages to not get killed by pirates, or bandits, or Christopher Columbus.... or really anything that could kill you during time travel. He has that blend of expendability and invincibility that makes him an ideal sidekick... if only he had something else to offer... like a quarter of a brain. For shame on you Mr. Peabody... bad dog.

(Blogger's Note: The Doctor was not included due to the fact that he travels through dimensions AS WELL AS time. Not the same thing. At all.)

Barrel Scraping

5 Things that are Awesome and 1 that Sucks Volume 2: D-List Batman Villains

So I bet you thought I would abandon this idea like I have so many other blogolicious ideas that I've schemed up in the past years. But alas, here is volume 2 of 5ttaaa1ts!
So to get more to the theme of this blog, and I guess more to the theme of my life, I've decided to make this entry extra nerdy. You've all heard of the Joker and Mr. Freeze, but Batman has a buttload of villains. Literally, Arkham Asylum exist because there are so many bat-shit (get it?) crazy mothers in Gotham who think they can take on the Bat. Now when Batman's usual, A-List rogues gallery contains a homicidal clown, a man who looks like a flightless bird, a pile of clay, and a burn victim, you can only imagine what his lesser known baddies are like. So, here is a look at some of the lamest (aka most bad-a) Bat Villains:

1) Ventriloquist

Like most supervillains/heroes, Arnold Wesker wasn't gonna try and pull any punches with his code name. He literally is a ventriloquist, you know, the guys with the dummies who pretty much died out with vaudeville? (minus the deplorable Jeff Dunham... blech). Anyhoo, so this dude, like many other Bat Baddies doesn't have any super powers other than being completely insane. Arnold Wesker, a human, takes his orders from a higher power aka Scarface his puppet. Now Scarface isn't some Howdy Doody rip off, he's arguable a pretty gnarly puppet... if puppets can be gnarly. He's like a 30s gangster complete wit tommygun, but without all the human parts. So this guy fights Batman with a puppet... that would be like me trying fight Tyson with only a pool noodle.

(Figure 2.1: Yeah, Batman fights a giant Alligator-man on the reg... a puppet aint shit)

2) Cluemaster

First off, this guy's name is dumb as shit. If I was going to get my ass pounded in by Bruce Wayne I might at least try and sound cool while doing it. How about a name like 'Mystery' and 'Brainmelter'? Cluemaster sounds like a goddamn villain from Archie. Dorky name aside, this guy is badass for one sole reason (two if you count the fact he was once a game show host), HE LEAVES CLUES FOR BATMAN! What the Hell? Does he realize that Batman is known as (beyond the Dark Knight and Bruce Wayne) as the world's greatest detective? He doesn't need clues! Batman could solve a crime faster than the CSI team using only his nose and a magnifying glass. Giving him clues is like letting Albert Pujols use a tee when batting. Hell, at least Riddler flexes his brain a little and gives Bats a tricky riddle to solve. Nope. Not Cluemaster. Also, his daughter was Batman's sidekick for a while. That really bites.

(Figure 2.2: Well at least he doesn't dress like a douche... oh... wait)

3) Captain Stingaree

None of you have heard of this guy. If you have, than may God have mercy on your sole. Or you're a huge Batman fan/giant nerd/Bryan Roy. But this guy is really lame. So lame he goes all the way around the cool/lame spectrum back to being cool. He's kind of like a pirate, but not a badass yar-har pirate, more of a Pirate of Penzance type pirate. He's quite foppish indeed. Now he's also pretty nutty because all he brings to the table is some halfway decent fencing skills. Seriously? Fencing? How gay can this guy get? Oh yeah, he actually is gay... with another dude who is literally the same character called the Cavalier. So hell yeah for LGBT comic characters! But Booo to lame pirates. Also, what the fuck is a stingaree and how does one become a captain of it?

(Figure 2.3: This is from when he teamed up with Captain Cold and Captain Boomerang... I'm 100% serious)

4) Killer Moth

Wolverines are scary. Spiders are scary. Bats are scary. Moths... are really lame. This dude is lame on all accounts. His name is lame. His motivation is lame (he read about Batman and wanted to be the anti Batman... really for no reason). Lastly his weapons are really lame. His primary form of offense comes from his Cocoon Gun. Seriously. As wikipedia puts it, a gun that "fires a stream of sticky threads". STICKY THREADS? Christ, at least Spider-Man has the decency to call his stuff 'webbing'. Killer Moth might as well call it his jizz-gun to avoid confusion. Needless to say, Batman beat this guys face in for decades. This eventually forced him to sell his soul to a demon (now I'm paraphrasing here) to become a literally, man sized, Killer Moth... fuck that's lame.

(Figure 2.4: Hey! There he is with fellow lame-o, and Captain Stingaree's lover, The Cavalier!)

5) Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee

Yeah. Just look at these poor bastards. Their only 'power' is that their fat allows them to bounce? WTF? When is the last time you saw a fat person bounce? Isn't that like the opposite of being fat? Jesus Christ these guys must be fucking twisted if they can fight Batman simply by being fat... well, my hats off to them! Huzzah, keep on bouncin' you crazy fat Lewis Carol characters!

(Figure 2.5: Batman's face is one of pure WTF)

THE ONE THAT SUCKS

1) Man-Bat

Maybe not a D-Lister, but certainly not an A. Man-Bat is super fucking lame do to sheer unoriginality. He literally saw Batman, and reversed his name. Look how clever I am! He also comes from the whole, 'scientist who fucks up and becomes all weird and angry' pool of villains that seem to litter super hero books. Seriously if you are a scientist in the Marvel or DC universe there is at least an 80% chance you will A) Be hideously scarred and start a career of crime or B) Gain some super fresh powers and battle the other scientists who have gone all cuckoo. Man-Bat, half man, half bat. He is no one's friend.

(Figure 2.5: Batman doing his best Man-Bat impression)

Well, that's all for this pile of words and pictures. Tell your friends about this shit, especially if they're in the job giving market.

Fruity Pebbles

Out of the mist there emerged.... a ROY! Seriously folks it's been a while. Last post had something to do with the Osacars... whatever those are. Anyway, to get my blog juices (mmmmm, blog juice) flowing I decided to start a new series of posts called '5 things that are awesome and one that sucks'. Basically, I'll tell you about five things that I really dig. Throughout the course of the article, by using subtle mind control and clever writing techniques, I'll convince you that you also like these things. Then, since I hate so much stuff, I'll include one thing that sucks. So this is the pilot episode of "5 Things that are Awsome and 1 That Sucks". I promise it'll be better then The Jay Leno Show:

Today's Episode: Fruit

Now I really like fruit, a lot. It's hard not to like fruit. Someone the other day told me that they didn't like fruit. WHAT?! How can someone discredit an entire piece of the food pyramid? There are so many different fruits out there, and saying you don't like them all is just straight up fruitist. Anyway, those people who don't like fruit are crazy and wrong. For all ya'll who don't hate on my seeded brethren. Here's 5 fruits that are awesome (and 1 that sucks).

1) Strawberry: There is a reason why strawberries are involved with satin sheets and candlelight. It's because they're a fuckin' sexy fruit. Cover them in chocolate and watch the panties drop. Sweet, bite sized little piece of red gold. Whoever ate the first strawberry probably ended up being the tribe leader, because when he brought that shit back to camp everyone probably went ape shit. Name me one berry that is better. Blackberries are close, raspberries are gay, and blueberries are better in pie/muffin form. Fact: Strawberries are the best berry.

(Figure 1.1: Look how sexy this fruit is... seriously)

2) Watermelon: You know during the summer, when you're hot and sticky and feel like death? Besides beer, the only thing that could make you feel better is a massive slice of watermelon. I've made it my goal to always bring a whole watermelon to any party I go to. Why? Because unlike bean salad, the king of all melons won't go bad in the hot sun and will get eaten. There is just something so visceral about tearing open a melon, ripping out its guts, then feasting upon its flesh as its juices dribble down your face. Bring one of these camping, have everyone laugh at you, then they'll realize on the last day that when they're too hungover to eat real food, the watermelon reigns supreme.

(Figure 1.2: Even turtles like watermelons. You can always trust turtles)

3) Bananas: Some guys don't like bananas because of their phallic nature. Well I think that's quite gay of them. Literally I suppose. Combine these guys with strawberries and you have the original fruit combo flavor (also my favorite yogurt flave). Bananas are an awesome fruit because they are unlike any other fruit around. Opening a banana isn't a hassle like the aforementioned watermelon or even an orange. You just tear that baby open like a Christmas present and feast upon its pale shaft of potassium. Alright... maybe a little gay.

(Figure 1.3: I AM A BANANA!)

4) Tomatoes: Ha. Scientific curve ball mother fuckers!! Have you had a sandwich with a tomato? Now try it without. LAME! Tomatoes also make ketchup, tomato sauce, tomato juice (eh?). I'm growing six plants of these bad boys in my backyard right now. WHO WANTS A TAMATAH!?

(Figure 1.4: Look at how much this mother fucker loves tomatoes)

5) Cherries: A bit underrated, but a good sack full of cherries is most pleasing to my tasting buds. Cherries are often pigeon holed into the condiment group thanks to ice cream and their evil cousin the maraschino cherry. The real deal cherries are the tits. Not to mention the fact that there is a firework named after them. Cherry also happens to be one of the best candy flavors also known as red. Plus, like sunflower seeds, they come with that added bonus of being able to spit something out after consumption and not look like a jerk doing so. Pitooie! Now bring me a goblet full of cherries!

(Figure 1.5: The forgotten Fruit of the Loom fruit)

Now for the one that sucks:

1) Durian: Humans are blessed with a sense of smell that usually lets us know things our other senses fail to. Such as if something is rotten or dying or garbage. Typically fruits have a smell like a flower or something. In fact many fruits are often used for scratch and sniff stickers or air fresheners or whatever. Not the durian. This little monster found in South East Asia smells like a baby threw-up on some dying fish that at one point had eaten dirty socks. Whoof. These things smell so bad, you can't bring them into public places in Singapore (the subway, cabs, parks, elevators, hotels, etc.). You literally have to eat them on the spot, or rush them home. Not to mention the fact that the actual fruit, which looks like a brain, is trapped inside a massive spike laden orb. To actually get to the fruit you have to take a machete to the thing like its a zombie head. The fruit itself taste like a thick, putrid custard... thing. I really don't know how to describe it. Oh yeah, it also raises your blood pressure and makes you sweat. As if smelling like shit and being covered in spikes wasn't enough to get you to not eat this damn thing. If you find one, try it... but don't say I didn't warn you.

(Figure 1.6: The fine for durians? You are removed from existence)

Oscar the Grouch

Alright, so I don't know if you guys know this, but every year there is this big show and all these famous people get these awards called Oscar's for making (sometimes) good movies. They also can win them for being really nasty actors. It's called the Academy Awards, maybe you've heard of them.

Like everything else in the film world, I pretty much hate the Academy Awards, and then secretly love them when no one is looking. I understand that it's pretty much impossible for a single group to pick one movie that is the best of the entire year. There is simply too much to judge. What makes the BEST movie? Only the shadowy Academy knows for sure. Meanwhile us puny mortals are left waiting and wondering if Transformers 2 will win best sound. Well, worry no more faithful reader, because I'm going to tell you what is should win (according to me) and what most likely will win (aka shit). I'm not going to go through all the categories, because most of you probs don't give an S about a majority of them anyway.

My picks (opinion) is in bold, what I think is actually going to win is italicized. So let's get this party started:

Best Animated Feature

Nominees: Up, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Coraline, Secret of Kells, Princess and the Frog

This one was tough. I really liked Up, more than I thought I would. Not to mention the fact that it was beautiful and one of the few movies to ever make me weep, laugh, and jump with excitement. It was great, fantastic even, but in that regards its more of a best picture than a just a lowly animated feature (how did that happen anyway?). Despite all of my love for Up, Fantastic Mr. Fox really impressed me. Now I know there is a lot of Wes Anderson haters out there, but they need to take a seat. Mr. Fox had me smiling the entire time, and most importantly, it made me feel like a kid again. Also, the untraditional style of animation was like nothing I've never seen before, even in stop motion format.

Best Achievement in Editing

Nominees: Avatar, District 9, Hurt Locker, Inglorious Basterds, Precious

This will be the first time, but not the last time I say this: fuck Avatar. Seriously. Now I've already gone over this ad nauseum so I'll spare you the hate. If you haven't seen Hurt Locker yet, the you're a dummy. You should stop what you're doing right now, and go out and rent that shit. You'll say to yourself, 'dang, maybe I should see more movies than Avatar. Look at this snappy editing. Someone should give that Bryan Roy a job, because he's wicked smart.' Seriously, that's what you'll say. I also pick Hurt Locker for cinematography... so there.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Nominees: District 9, An Education, In the Loop, Precious, Up in the Air

Believe it or not another Sci-Fi movie came out in 2009 that wasn't Avatar. HUH? Oh yeah. That movie was District 9 and it was the bee knees. I suppose this is an adapted screenplay because it was based off of the short film? Anyhoo, District 9 was such a fresh, fantastic, and original idea it's going to be sad to see it get trounced by the Avatar war machine *sigh*. Up in the Air was enjoyable, and people seem to love George Clooney, so despite Mr. Clooney having nothing to do with the writing of a rather bland story, Up in the Air will probably win.

Best Original Screenplay

Nominees: The Hurt Locker, Inglorious Basterds, The Messenger, A Serious Man, Up.

This category is my fave for two reasons: 1) It's basically what I do. So it would be like if you were picking an award for best blog reader (ooooohhhh meta) and 2) I really enjoyed all these movies (minus the Messenger which I did not see). Hurt Locker was great, yes, but the writing could have been better. Up, was fun and that first 15 minutes is unreal, but in the end its an above average animated feature. A Serious Man was one of those movies that left me with chills and huhs?. If you haven't seen it, then you probably wouldn't like it. Basterds was surprisingly less Tarantino than I had anticipated and the way it was written (essentially two three act stories that share a third act) was quite creative. I think, for once, the Academy will agree.

Best Achievement in Directing

Nominees: Kathryn Bigelow (Hurt Locker), James Cameron (Avatar), Lee Daniels (Precious), Tarantino (Inglorious Basterds), Jason Reitman (Up in the Air)

Directing is one of those things about making movies that I've never really understood. From what I've gathered, a director just makes things work on set. They make the actors act, the grips grip, and the cinematographers cin. Anyway, they're a rather important aspect in making movies... I suppose. It's also a shit ton of work being a director, and if you're not ready you're movie will turn to shit quicker than a seven layer burrito from Taco Bell. Tarantino is known for being... well Tarantino, and I feel like he should get an Oscar as a sort of lifetime achievement award... in about 30 years. Reitman and Daniels, meh, you're not going to win, sorry. It really comes down to Bigelow and Cameron. Now I hated Avatar, it was really quite a piece of poo, but you have to give it to ol' Jimmy. Mr. Cameron really put together this behemoth and made it work. But then again, he is James Cameron, and if anyone could get away with a $400 dollar budget, its him (if not before than certainly now). Not to mention what Avatar brought to the table in terms of effects and blah, blah, blah. On the other hand we have Kathryn Bigelow, a rather unknown director who has been behind such gems as Point Break (!!!!!1). Now people on set are going to really listen to James Cameron, really get behind his direction because he's JAMES FUCKING CAMERON and NOT Kathryn Bigelow. Hurt Locker had such incredible acting in some parts, and the main character, uh, my god, so good. When I started writing this paragraph I was going to go with Cameron, but, fuck Avatar.

Supporting Actor/Actress

Nominees: Matt Damon (Invictus), Woody Harrelson (The Messenger), Christopher Plummer (The Last Station), Stanley Tucci (The Lovely Bones), Christoph Waltz (Ingorious Basterds)

Nominees: Penelope Cruz (Nine), Maggie Gyllenhaal (Crazy Heart), Vera Farmiga (Up in the Air), Anna Kendrick (Up in the Air), Mo'Nique (Precious)

Chistopher Waltz was one of the greatest villains I think I've seen on screen in a long time. Every scene where he would show up I was literally holding my breath in anticipation of how evil he was going to be. The fact that Matt Damon is on there is silly. For some reason I saw Invictus (see: earlier blog), and he reminded me of a piece of wood, with a bowl cut. Honestly I haven't seen the other three movies, but whatev, Waltz is gonna win anyway.

Now on to the ladies. Up in the Air was good, pretty slick, but other than Clooney, I wasn't really digging the other performances. Same deal with Gyllenhaal in Crazy Heart. Although she might have been sold short by a bum script. Haven't seen Precious, but I heard that Mo'Nique is solid in that, so I figure the Academy will go that way. Still Anna Kendrick held her own against GC, and she played her part well. I'll go with her for the long shot.

Leading Actor/Actress

Nominees: Jeff Bridges (Crazy Heart), George Clooney (Up in the Air), Colin Firth (A Single Man), Jeremy Renner (Hurt Locker), Morgan Freeman (Invictus)

Nominees: Sandra Bullock (Blind Side), Helen Mirren (The Last Station), Carey Mulligan (An Education), Gabourey Sidibe (Precious), Meryl Streep (Julie & Julia)

I'll start with all my single ladies this time. I actually haven't seen any of these movies... so I guess I won't be giving my pick. Bullock got her Globe, I think the academy will give it to the rookie Sidibe.

On the guy side I've seen all of these movies but one (A Single Man). All of these gents put on some fine performances. Freeman was probably the only good thing about Invictus. Jeff Bridges was great in The Wrestler II aka Crazy Heart. Renner blew me away (get it?) in Hurt Locker, but seriously he had some really great stuff. Clooney had a rare turn in Up in the Air where he gets to shed some of his Mr. Cool for a little vulnerability. This one is a tough call. For some reason I feel like the Academy is going to go with Bridges, who is the man so that's cool. I however am going with Da Bomb aka Jeremy Brenner. Two bomb jokes in one paragraph! Noitch!

Best Picture

Nominees: Blind Side, Avatar, Inglorious Basterds, Hurt Locker, Up, Up in the Air, District 9, Precious, Serious Man, An Education

So The Academy opened up the nominees for best picture this year to 10 films. That's pretty insane. It was to make more room for genre films after many believed The Dark Knight was snubbed of a nomination last year. So here we are, with ten films that may or not be deserved of an oscar nomination. A lot of good flicks on this list, and I'm glad to see some of my favorites of laster year are getting recognition. District 9 was great, a lot of fun, and lush with creativity and originality, but it wasn't perfect nor the best. Blind Side and An Education I didn't/will probably never see. Inglorious Basterds was better the second time around, although it was an interesting theater experience and my first real Tarantino film (not counting Death Proof and yes I missed the Kill Bills). Up, like I said before really tugged at all emotional strings possible. Up in the Air was slick but not exactly the best. A Serious Man still has me thinking. I thought it was a perfect entry into the Coen brothers line-up. Very interesting. Fuck Avatar...

It's hard to pick just one, but since I promised my picks, I shall present you with a pick. I am rooting for many films, but I want to see a win from Basterds, which I felt was an all around great piece of film making. Hurt Locker is a VERY strong second, and I wouldn't mind seeing District 9 sneak away with a statue. The Academy has a hard on for Avatar, so that's that.

Fuck Avatar

Free Sample

Here's a little free writing I did a few months ago. Thought I posted this, but I guess I didn't. Not necessarily about anyone or part of anything. I just found myself with the inspiration to put some words on some paper. Dig? So I present to you with the following untitled piece:

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“Tell me a story”

A phrase that I heard on more than a daily basis, but the first time I had heard it come from my niece’s mouth. The first words she had said to me beyond the initial, shy hello. Five years ago my sister consummated her marriage to a guy I have barely met with an event that I would rather not ponder about. This aforementioned unmentionable event would lead to a niece I had never met until today. With the way information traveled these days, via video messages and megapixel photos I feel like I’ve been there since her first step. In reality I’ve been 3000 miles away.

“Mommy says that you’re a story teller”

True, by definition I did tell stories. At least I liked to think that my assortments of words on pages could be taken as stories. In reality I told stiffs in suits words like ‘high concept’ and ‘franchise’ so I could then turn out a hackneyed retelling of one of 100 stories. All so I could line my pockets with more unnecessary paper. You want talking monkeys who sell real estate? Got it. A love story between *gasp* two women, with a twist that one is really *OMG* a man? Sure, I can do that. Some say that what I’m doing is called living the dream. I call it purgatory with a six figure salary. I eagerly await the day when I can actually tell my own stories, so why not practice with a willing and eager audience.

“Okay,” I said, pushing the flimsy plastic straw through the tiny foil hole, as though I was drilling for apple juice, “But don’t you want to, uh, play or something?”

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell a story to this little human who happened to share a fraction of my genetics, it’s just that at the moment my mind grapes had been thoroughly squeezed. My brain was filled with stats for a Playboy article regarding the swingers scene in L.A. Meanwhile I was redrafting some sort of shit motorcycle street racing p.o.s. for Paramount. Apparently the kids were all about racing their motorbikes these days, who knew? Not exactly material appropriate for a five uear old. Plus I was perfectly content at ogling the myriad of MILFs who littered the area. Sufficient payment for an afternoon of babysitting while the parental units did the typical sightseeing.

“Play? You mean like swing and stuff? That’s for kids.” Five years old and she was already too old for something.

“Sure, swing, slide, you tell me. You know it’s been a while since I’ve been five,” I said, sliding the juice box across the table like some sort of kiddy bartender, “You’re never too old to have fun ya’know.”

Her soft blue eyes flitted across the playground with a general look of disinterest. How dare this little scamp stick her nose up at this place, it was like the Fischer Price version of Vegas. Hell, if it wasn’t likely to get me tossed onto some sex offender list or more likely into the hospital I’d be swinging across monkey bars and barreling through those plastic tunnels like a mad man. But to each their own.

“Alright then, a story it is,” I said with a theatrical clearing of my throat, “Any requests?”

There were none, so I began to spout off a rather tired concept about a little girl having to go on an adventure. A rare fairy tale about a lass of peasantly status rescuing a trapped prince. A perfect package with equal parts magic and prince and heroine hand-holding. Little girls still liked this crap right? I could tell by the way her young face began to crinkle like an old hag that my assumptions were grossly incorrect. There was an almost immediate interjection.

“Is this story about a girl just because I’M a girl?”

Yikes. This pleasant afternoon in the park was quickly turning into the pitch meeting from hell. That familiar feeling of stomach unbalance that usually led to quick-toed thinking began to creep up my spine.

“Well-” I tried to explain myself

“I’m five and three quarters you know, I’m not a baby. So don’t treat me like one.”

Sweet zombie Jesus! This young one had some sass, certainly a trait bestowed upon her by my sister and one I had nearly 20 years of experience dealing with. Perhaps this wasn’t my niece at all, and simply a plant from one of the studios, trying to pick my brain for free… bastards. Or maybe I was on some sort of reality, hidden camera, Running Man type program. No, I’m not that lucky to be treated with instant, undeserved celebrity. Like usual, my mind had drifted off course like an untethered dingy. Back to the firing squad.

“I figured I’d test you, see what you were made of.” I laid out the mental challenge, knowing that few cocky youngsters could resist its bait, “Obviously you’re a bit sharper than I though. Bet your Mommy and Daddy are proud of that.”

“Sure,” she said looking at the ground. Her attention momentarily diverted by a few skittering ants, “But why is the main character a girl?”

The same afternoon sun that was turning her East Coast eyes into slits was now burning on my back. This, amongst a long list of other reasons, was why I chose not to procreate. The Questions.

“Since you’re obviously above the whole princess saves the day type thing, I’ll give you something a bit more adult”

I could almost hear her perk up at the words. Nothing glowed more brightly for a youngster then the promise of seeing or hearing something ‘more adult’. But now I had worked my way into the ropes against a kid. Sure I had an infinite amount of stories that were adult, but nothing nearly appropriate for my Mom, let alone my five year old niece. As a failsafe I’d have to preface this with a phrase commonly uttered by uncles at family parties and fathers on fishing trips.

“Yeah, just don’t tell your mother about this. ”