Time Bandits

I had a dream last night where I figured out that I was in the past because everyone was listening to Slipknot. When I woke up I thought to myself... "When did anyone listen to Slipknot?". Either way, I was pleased with my ability to determine I had time traveled, and wasn't lumbering around like an oaf saying things like "Ronald Reagan is president?" or "Why are my parents in high school? derp derp". That all segues nicely into this new instillation of 5 Things That Are Awesome and 1 That Sucks. This installments flavor: Time Travelers.


1) Marty McFly

(Figure 3.1: Worst (best?) Fake ID ever)

Duh. Obvious pick right? Well maybe not. At first young Marty is kind of an idiot. It literally takes him an entire day to realize he isn't in 1985 anymore. This is only AFTER his mom tries to bone him. Idiot. However, he redeems himself by (spoiler alert) not getting too mixed up in shit... which in turn makes his future both possible, and bucket loads better. All of this at the expense of the bad guy, Biff. Poor Biff. Is that even a real name? Was anyone ever named that besides bad guys? Marty refines his time travel skillz with trips to the future, and another to the Wild West. While on both journies he defeats the Biff of that time period... so really he just fucks with one guy, through time, forever. Man McFly is a jerk. A fucking cool jerk with a HOVERBOARD!

2) Booster Gold

(Figure 3.2: Booster Gold. Super Hero. Celebrity. Time Traveler. Douch)

You can't expect one of these lists without a comic book based entry... well minus the fruit one.... Anyway, Booster Gold! In his future (the 30th century I think?) he was a high school football star. Ladies wanted him and Gents wanted to be him, all that good stuff. Then he injures himself and/or gets caught doing some insider betting and is out of football forever. Bummer. So like anyone who peaks in high school athletics, Booster becomes a janitor. Luckily for him its this museum of all super hero crap. This is where they keep Batman's first Batmobile and... like... Steel's hammer and shit... I think. So anyway, Booster is all like "Man I wish I was cool, and fought crime and junk like all these heroes of the past. If only I had the keys to unlock all these glass cases.... oh... wait". So basically he steals a flight ring, a force field generator, some other junk, and a robot sidekick. He teams up with the Justice League, and is basically a big prick. Fighting crime for fame, adorning his super suit with sponsor's logos, flirting with the lady heroes, etc. One time he married an old woman, and admitted it was for the money. Now-a-days, Booster is a bit more on the up and up, and travels the 'time stream' with this dude Rip Hunter, basically making sure no Ultra-Humanites or Marty McFlys run around and fuck shit up... good for Booster.

3) Homer Simpson

(Figure 3.3: Homer w/time machine and two idiots)

During one installment of The Treehouse of Horror, Homer finds himself mixed up in little recreational time traveling. Many LoLs followed. Basically he tries to fix a toaster by jamming a fork into it. Being Homer, this doesn't kill him and instead makes the toaster into a time machine. While in the past, Homer remembers the only words of advice his father ever gave him "Homer if you ever find yourself in the past, don't touch anything". For once, Homer listens... kind of. Long story short, Homer fucks shit up and ends up going back and forth through time trying to fix it. He doesn't.... but whatever, Booster Gold will prob fix that shit.

4) George Taylor

(Figure 3.4: Yeah, this looks about right.)

Who? Maybe you're more familiar with Charlton Heston, champion of men, killer of apes? Yeah, thats what I thought. So Mr. Taylor is an astronaut/scientist/badass who ends up on this monkey planet. Long story short the monkey planet turns out to be EARTH, and Charlton Heston gets super pissed off. Especially when he find our that the monkeys blew up the Statue of Liberty. I haven't seen any of the sequels of the apes, but I would like to assume that they are all just Heston charging through the countryside blowing away monkey men with a musket screaming 'YOU DAMN DIRTY APES!'

5) The Terminator

(Figure 3.5: Or nose holes for that matter...)

One time it was sent back to kill Sarah Conner. Then two were sent back, to protect/kill John Conner. THEN two more were sent back AGAIN to protect/kill an older but equally as stupid John Conner.  Then one traveled to the real world and became a governor. winwinwinwin

The One That Sucks

Mr. Peabody and Sherman

(Figure 3.6: A gentleman and an idiot)

Now this should really just be Sherman, but Mr. Peabody gets dragged down by his sidekicks idiocy. Mr. Peabody is a super intelligent talking dog who, for some unknown reason, owns a time machine. For no other reason, other than maybe the fact that he possesses thumbs, Peabody drags along the dunce known as Sherman. This 'child' has the brain capacity of a groundhog, but somehow manages to not get killed by pirates, or bandits, or Christopher Columbus.... or really anything that could kill you during time travel. He has that blend of expendability and invincibility that makes him an ideal sidekick... if only he had something else to offer... like a quarter of a brain. For shame on you Mr. Peabody... bad dog.

(Blogger's Note: The Doctor was not included due to the fact that he travels through dimensions AS WELL AS time. Not the same thing. At all.)