Why didn't I think of this on Halloween?!
I bet when you read that you totally had a euro trash terrorist accent in your head. That, my friends is what we call a Christmas miracle. Much like the hit single 'Miracles' by the prolific Insane Clown Posse, Christmas Miracles are everywhere and scientists don't know shit about them. Seriously, magic is just stronger at Christmas. Like I mentioned, scientists are completely baffled by this (and magnets). However, I believe I have found the source of all this X-Mass mysticism, the one and only Santa Claus. I mean, for Christs sake (get it, Christ? Christmas? lololol) Santa is a goddamn wizard, actually more like a druid... pretty sure he's an elf and or a giant dwarf. Cross class druid/wizard elf/dwarf hrybrid? Would explain the unreal agility and resistance to cold. Don't believe me? Let's do a quick wizard comparison here.
Gandalf: Arguably the most legit Wizard, ever.
- White Beard: check
- Multiple Aliases: check ( Mithrandir, Greyhame, Stormcrow, Olórin, Incánus, Tharkûn)
- Has a way with animals (giant eagles, moths): check
- Owns a glorious steed: check (Shadowfax)
Totally badass.
- Hangs out with elves, but they are totally his bitch: check
- Has magic powers: check (killed Balrog, essentially saved Middle Earth)
- Knows how to party: check check check x10000
Fireworks and Pipeweed bitches, let's get bombed!
Santa: Arguably the most legit fat man
- White Beard: check (hell, even impostors sport the white beard)
- Multiple Aliases: check (Father Christmas, Papa Noel, Santa Clause, Chimney John)
- Has a way with animals: check (he can make them fucking fly)
- Owns a glorious steed: check (Rudolph)
"Call me when Shadowfax has his own Monopoly" -Love, Rudolph
- Hangs with elves, but they are totally his bitch: check (ho,ho,ho now I need 3000 silly bands by sundown)
- Has magic powers: check (time manipulation, the everseeing eye of agamotto, size manipulation, cheer generation)
- Knows how to party: check (Santa was the first man on Earth to put booze in his nog. truth)
Batman, you can shove your mumbles up your ass. We're all getting wasted with Santa.
I mean, I'm no wikileaks here people but the proof is in the Christmas pudding. Either Santa is a wizard, or he's a fictional character created to bring cheer to those unlucky enough to live where it get below the freezing point.
Middle Earth Tabloid Cover Story
Regardless, hohoho I have a machine gun. Go watch Die Hard, it's my favorite Christmas movie.
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