BEAT DRUMS! BEAT DRUMS!

Muppet (n): 1) A puppet thing. Normally some sort of anthropomorphic animal, typically bearing large googly eyes, poofy hair, and/or large floppy mouths 2) A person with physical qualities that closely resemble a muppet, typically brought on by old age.

Seeing a human muppet is not that uncommon. As the definition states it is typically brought on by old age, and old muppets are everywhere. On the bus, crossing the street, trying to buy things, staring at electronics with googly-eyed bewilderment. Literally, old human muppets are everywhere. However, it is quite rare to catch a human muppet at earlier stages in its life. What I'm about to present to you all, is some rare footage of one of the youngest human muppets discovered in the wild. Without further ado, I present to you the Crazy Dummer, of the Animal family of human muppets:

Exhibit A (totally safe for work)

Exhibit B (also totally safe for work)

NOTE: How lame are his bandmates? The Allnighters? More like the All-lamos. Do they even know what's going on behind them?

Totally Badass

Been a while, but fuck that not like ya'll care anyway. Hopefully you've been able to mine your humor nuggets elsewhere on the interwebs in my leave. Alas I have returned to provide you with some well placed wit and mirth to make you daily LOL quotient that much higher. Or maybe you'll think it's totally shit, entirely up to you. So without further ado, I present a new edition of 5 Awesome Things and 1 That Sucks (or whatever I'm calling this thing). Today's topic: Badass Villains.

1) Hans Gruber

 (Figure 4.1: Yes we can... defeat John McClain and run off with a zillion dollars in bonds!)

Hans is a bad ass villain for a mountain of reasons. He gets a race bonus of +15 to villainy for being German. His accent just sounds better saying things like 'Kill HIM!' moreso than it does 'Let me bag that for you'. Needless to say, he was born to be badass. An underestimated trait of Gruber's is that he understands the value (or non-value) of the henchman. Henchmen are something you need, but dont' necessarily want to pay, much like a production assistant. Along the way you're most likely going to lose a handfull or two to the hero, so don't blow all your cash arming these idiots to the teeth, because John McClain, or Rambo, or whoever hero is in your grill is going to end up with those weapons anyway. Instead Hans, chooses his team wisely, filling out his ranks with a bucket of schmucks with a badass super-hench to back them up. Then, as they get picked off, Hans doesn't sweat it, because that means more money for him and his Urkel rip-off hacker dude. "Now I have a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho." Indeed!



2) Xenia Onatop

(Figure 4.2: Mr. Bond, it appears as though you're in a bit of a bind. MUAHAHAHA!)

James Bond has come across a lot of hilariously jokey names in his time (Pussy Galore, Honey Rider, Plenty O'Toole, and Strawberry Fields come to mind). You would think after a while the world's greatest spy would just start rolling his eyes whenever someone went to introduce themselves. He'd be all like 'Let me guess sexy lady, you're name is... Ivanna Fuke?'. Anyway, Xenia Onatop is one of my fave Bond villains, and not only for her incredibly jokeful name. What separates her from the rest of the Bond Baddie pack is her ... erm... talents. Ms. Onatop (tee hee) gets off on hurting other people, more specifically squeezing people to death with her fine-ass legs. Both hot and terrifying, much like the Double Down. Most villains like killing, Xenia likes LIKES killing, more than a friend if you catch my drift. Ironically JB kills her by crushing her, more or less, with a helicopter. Gotta give it to Bond, he knows how to handle women... amiright?!


3) Boba Fett

(Figure 4.3: Boba Fett: Hunter of Men, Slayer of Women)

Boba is hands down the baddest assed clone to ever exist... well besides maybe that time when Lex Luthor cloned himself. Anyway, imagine if you cloned yourself. You'd literally know everything about you, and could therefore counter all of your weaknesses by teaching yourself how not to suck. Now imagine if you're the illest soldier in the galaxy and the government has just offered you a shitload of credits for an army worth of your clones. As payment I'd totally ask for a test model... I mean why not? Taking care of a clone of yourself would be easier than caring for a cat. So anyway, Boba Fett is Jano Fett but basically with a lifetime of experience. Plus he totally fell in the Sarlac Pit and didn't die. Baller.



4) Lex Luthor

(Figure 4.4: Because of Superman, someone is gonna be down 40 cakes...)

Like all these articles, you can't escape without a comic book reference. So here is arguably my favorite comic book villain, Lex Luthor. For starters, he hates Superman as much as I do. Honestly, Superman is a dork, and a douche... and a fucking asshole. If it wasn't for Superman, Earth wouldn't constantly be hosting these insane battles against Supes and whatever alien wants to battle his dumb ass. Luthor, a mere mortal, is all like 'fuck that, I don't like aliens playin' all up on my Earth'. So without any powers, minus a big 'ol bald brain, Luthor goes about building an empire to crush Superman. So basically its a nerd versus one of the strongest beings  in the universe. Think of it this way: if Superman wasn't on Earth, Luthor would be the world's greatest hero. He seriously hates Superman that much, and that's badass.


5) Bowser

(Figure 4.5: Fuck you Mario. PS DO NOT google image search for Bowser and Peach... trust me)

A key ingredient for all villainy is persistence. Never, EVER, are you going to defeat the hero on the first go-round. Shit like that just doesn't happen. And if for some reason it does? Mother fuckers have extra lives coming out of their pockets like they grow on trees. Sometimes the villain just can't catch a god damn break, yet they keep coming back. Therefore, persistence translates well into badassness, and good ol Bowser has boatloads. All poor Bowser has wanted for damn near 20 years is a little princess pussy. He doesn't want to rule the world, or have infinite riches, or irradiate the world's gold supply. No. He just wants Princess Toadstool. If you ask me that's pretty damn romantic. Then this fucking plunger wielding guido somehow shows up, stomps through his minions, and runs off with aforementioned female royalty. So weak. Despite Mario ruining his life perpetually for two decades, Bowser has no problem showing up for the mustachioed maniac's go-kart races, golf tournaments, or block parties. Bowser is a real stand up guy, someone...er something, I wouldn't mind grabbing a beer with. Mario needs to lighten up and face the fact that Princess is a whore, and maybe she wants to be capture every now and then. Didn't think about that one eh Mario?



1) Biff Tannen

(Figure 4.6: Seriously Biff... you're name is a sound effect)

Normally a villain is given one chance to win. Sure they may best the hero here and there, but overall their ass is going to get kicked and they're going to end up face first in a pile of horseshit. Seriously. The reason Biff (and his past and future selves) is the one that sucks is because he literally has infinite chances to Best the McFly clan. YOU HAVE A FUCKING TIME MACHINE IDIOT! Or at least he did once in the second one. Yet what does Biff do when he has access to the famed DeLorean? He sends his past self a sports almanac... fuck. that. You can literally go anywhere in time, do anything you want, yet you choose to let your past self know the Cleveland Brown's record for the next 50 years. A Butthead indeed.

Derp

Time Bandits

I had a dream last night where I figured out that I was in the past because everyone was listening to Slipknot. When I woke up I thought to myself... "When did anyone listen to Slipknot?". Either way, I was pleased with my ability to determine I had time traveled, and wasn't lumbering around like an oaf saying things like "Ronald Reagan is president?" or "Why are my parents in high school? derp derp". That all segues nicely into this new instillation of 5 Things That Are Awesome and 1 That Sucks. This installments flavor: Time Travelers.


1) Marty McFly

(Figure 3.1: Worst (best?) Fake ID ever)

Duh. Obvious pick right? Well maybe not. At first young Marty is kind of an idiot. It literally takes him an entire day to realize he isn't in 1985 anymore. This is only AFTER his mom tries to bone him. Idiot. However, he redeems himself by (spoiler alert) not getting too mixed up in shit... which in turn makes his future both possible, and bucket loads better. All of this at the expense of the bad guy, Biff. Poor Biff. Is that even a real name? Was anyone ever named that besides bad guys? Marty refines his time travel skillz with trips to the future, and another to the Wild West. While on both journies he defeats the Biff of that time period... so really he just fucks with one guy, through time, forever. Man McFly is a jerk. A fucking cool jerk with a HOVERBOARD!

2) Booster Gold

(Figure 3.2: Booster Gold. Super Hero. Celebrity. Time Traveler. Douch)

You can't expect one of these lists without a comic book based entry... well minus the fruit one.... Anyway, Booster Gold! In his future (the 30th century I think?) he was a high school football star. Ladies wanted him and Gents wanted to be him, all that good stuff. Then he injures himself and/or gets caught doing some insider betting and is out of football forever. Bummer. So like anyone who peaks in high school athletics, Booster becomes a janitor. Luckily for him its this museum of all super hero crap. This is where they keep Batman's first Batmobile and... like... Steel's hammer and shit... I think. So anyway, Booster is all like "Man I wish I was cool, and fought crime and junk like all these heroes of the past. If only I had the keys to unlock all these glass cases.... oh... wait". So basically he steals a flight ring, a force field generator, some other junk, and a robot sidekick. He teams up with the Justice League, and is basically a big prick. Fighting crime for fame, adorning his super suit with sponsor's logos, flirting with the lady heroes, etc. One time he married an old woman, and admitted it was for the money. Now-a-days, Booster is a bit more on the up and up, and travels the 'time stream' with this dude Rip Hunter, basically making sure no Ultra-Humanites or Marty McFlys run around and fuck shit up... good for Booster.

3) Homer Simpson

(Figure 3.3: Homer w/time machine and two idiots)

During one installment of The Treehouse of Horror, Homer finds himself mixed up in little recreational time traveling. Many LoLs followed. Basically he tries to fix a toaster by jamming a fork into it. Being Homer, this doesn't kill him and instead makes the toaster into a time machine. While in the past, Homer remembers the only words of advice his father ever gave him "Homer if you ever find yourself in the past, don't touch anything". For once, Homer listens... kind of. Long story short, Homer fucks shit up and ends up going back and forth through time trying to fix it. He doesn't.... but whatever, Booster Gold will prob fix that shit.

4) George Taylor

(Figure 3.4: Yeah, this looks about right.)

Who? Maybe you're more familiar with Charlton Heston, champion of men, killer of apes? Yeah, thats what I thought. So Mr. Taylor is an astronaut/scientist/badass who ends up on this monkey planet. Long story short the monkey planet turns out to be EARTH, and Charlton Heston gets super pissed off. Especially when he find our that the monkeys blew up the Statue of Liberty. I haven't seen any of the sequels of the apes, but I would like to assume that they are all just Heston charging through the countryside blowing away monkey men with a musket screaming 'YOU DAMN DIRTY APES!'

5) The Terminator

(Figure 3.5: Or nose holes for that matter...)

One time it was sent back to kill Sarah Conner. Then two were sent back, to protect/kill John Conner. THEN two more were sent back AGAIN to protect/kill an older but equally as stupid John Conner.  Then one traveled to the real world and became a governor. winwinwinwin

The One That Sucks

Mr. Peabody and Sherman

(Figure 3.6: A gentleman and an idiot)

Now this should really just be Sherman, but Mr. Peabody gets dragged down by his sidekicks idiocy. Mr. Peabody is a super intelligent talking dog who, for some unknown reason, owns a time machine. For no other reason, other than maybe the fact that he possesses thumbs, Peabody drags along the dunce known as Sherman. This 'child' has the brain capacity of a groundhog, but somehow manages to not get killed by pirates, or bandits, or Christopher Columbus.... or really anything that could kill you during time travel. He has that blend of expendability and invincibility that makes him an ideal sidekick... if only he had something else to offer... like a quarter of a brain. For shame on you Mr. Peabody... bad dog.

(Blogger's Note: The Doctor was not included due to the fact that he travels through dimensions AS WELL AS time. Not the same thing. At all.)

Barrel Scraping

5 Things that are Awesome and 1 that Sucks Volume 2: D-List Batman Villains

So I bet you thought I would abandon this idea like I have so many other blogolicious ideas that I've schemed up in the past years. But alas, here is volume 2 of 5ttaaa1ts!
So to get more to the theme of this blog, and I guess more to the theme of my life, I've decided to make this entry extra nerdy. You've all heard of the Joker and Mr. Freeze, but Batman has a buttload of villains. Literally, Arkham Asylum exist because there are so many bat-shit (get it?) crazy mothers in Gotham who think they can take on the Bat. Now when Batman's usual, A-List rogues gallery contains a homicidal clown, a man who looks like a flightless bird, a pile of clay, and a burn victim, you can only imagine what his lesser known baddies are like. So, here is a look at some of the lamest (aka most bad-a) Bat Villains:

1) Ventriloquist

Like most supervillains/heroes, Arnold Wesker wasn't gonna try and pull any punches with his code name. He literally is a ventriloquist, you know, the guys with the dummies who pretty much died out with vaudeville? (minus the deplorable Jeff Dunham... blech). Anyhoo, so this dude, like many other Bat Baddies doesn't have any super powers other than being completely insane. Arnold Wesker, a human, takes his orders from a higher power aka Scarface his puppet. Now Scarface isn't some Howdy Doody rip off, he's arguable a pretty gnarly puppet... if puppets can be gnarly. He's like a 30s gangster complete wit tommygun, but without all the human parts. So this guy fights Batman with a puppet... that would be like me trying fight Tyson with only a pool noodle.

(Figure 2.1: Yeah, Batman fights a giant Alligator-man on the reg... a puppet aint shit)

2) Cluemaster

First off, this guy's name is dumb as shit. If I was going to get my ass pounded in by Bruce Wayne I might at least try and sound cool while doing it. How about a name like 'Mystery' and 'Brainmelter'? Cluemaster sounds like a goddamn villain from Archie. Dorky name aside, this guy is badass for one sole reason (two if you count the fact he was once a game show host), HE LEAVES CLUES FOR BATMAN! What the Hell? Does he realize that Batman is known as (beyond the Dark Knight and Bruce Wayne) as the world's greatest detective? He doesn't need clues! Batman could solve a crime faster than the CSI team using only his nose and a magnifying glass. Giving him clues is like letting Albert Pujols use a tee when batting. Hell, at least Riddler flexes his brain a little and gives Bats a tricky riddle to solve. Nope. Not Cluemaster. Also, his daughter was Batman's sidekick for a while. That really bites.

(Figure 2.2: Well at least he doesn't dress like a douche... oh... wait)

3) Captain Stingaree

None of you have heard of this guy. If you have, than may God have mercy on your sole. Or you're a huge Batman fan/giant nerd/Bryan Roy. But this guy is really lame. So lame he goes all the way around the cool/lame spectrum back to being cool. He's kind of like a pirate, but not a badass yar-har pirate, more of a Pirate of Penzance type pirate. He's quite foppish indeed. Now he's also pretty nutty because all he brings to the table is some halfway decent fencing skills. Seriously? Fencing? How gay can this guy get? Oh yeah, he actually is gay... with another dude who is literally the same character called the Cavalier. So hell yeah for LGBT comic characters! But Booo to lame pirates. Also, what the fuck is a stingaree and how does one become a captain of it?

(Figure 2.3: This is from when he teamed up with Captain Cold and Captain Boomerang... I'm 100% serious)

4) Killer Moth

Wolverines are scary. Spiders are scary. Bats are scary. Moths... are really lame. This dude is lame on all accounts. His name is lame. His motivation is lame (he read about Batman and wanted to be the anti Batman... really for no reason). Lastly his weapons are really lame. His primary form of offense comes from his Cocoon Gun. Seriously. As wikipedia puts it, a gun that "fires a stream of sticky threads". STICKY THREADS? Christ, at least Spider-Man has the decency to call his stuff 'webbing'. Killer Moth might as well call it his jizz-gun to avoid confusion. Needless to say, Batman beat this guys face in for decades. This eventually forced him to sell his soul to a demon (now I'm paraphrasing here) to become a literally, man sized, Killer Moth... fuck that's lame.

(Figure 2.4: Hey! There he is with fellow lame-o, and Captain Stingaree's lover, The Cavalier!)

5) Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee

Yeah. Just look at these poor bastards. Their only 'power' is that their fat allows them to bounce? WTF? When is the last time you saw a fat person bounce? Isn't that like the opposite of being fat? Jesus Christ these guys must be fucking twisted if they can fight Batman simply by being fat... well, my hats off to them! Huzzah, keep on bouncin' you crazy fat Lewis Carol characters!

(Figure 2.5: Batman's face is one of pure WTF)

THE ONE THAT SUCKS

1) Man-Bat

Maybe not a D-Lister, but certainly not an A. Man-Bat is super fucking lame do to sheer unoriginality. He literally saw Batman, and reversed his name. Look how clever I am! He also comes from the whole, 'scientist who fucks up and becomes all weird and angry' pool of villains that seem to litter super hero books. Seriously if you are a scientist in the Marvel or DC universe there is at least an 80% chance you will A) Be hideously scarred and start a career of crime or B) Gain some super fresh powers and battle the other scientists who have gone all cuckoo. Man-Bat, half man, half bat. He is no one's friend.

(Figure 2.5: Batman doing his best Man-Bat impression)

Well, that's all for this pile of words and pictures. Tell your friends about this shit, especially if they're in the job giving market.

Fruity Pebbles

Out of the mist there emerged.... a ROY! Seriously folks it's been a while. Last post had something to do with the Osacars... whatever those are. Anyway, to get my blog juices (mmmmm, blog juice) flowing I decided to start a new series of posts called '5 things that are awesome and one that sucks'. Basically, I'll tell you about five things that I really dig. Throughout the course of the article, by using subtle mind control and clever writing techniques, I'll convince you that you also like these things. Then, since I hate so much stuff, I'll include one thing that sucks. So this is the pilot episode of "5 Things that are Awsome and 1 That Sucks". I promise it'll be better then The Jay Leno Show:

Today's Episode: Fruit

Now I really like fruit, a lot. It's hard not to like fruit. Someone the other day told me that they didn't like fruit. WHAT?! How can someone discredit an entire piece of the food pyramid? There are so many different fruits out there, and saying you don't like them all is just straight up fruitist. Anyway, those people who don't like fruit are crazy and wrong. For all ya'll who don't hate on my seeded brethren. Here's 5 fruits that are awesome (and 1 that sucks).

1) Strawberry: There is a reason why strawberries are involved with satin sheets and candlelight. It's because they're a fuckin' sexy fruit. Cover them in chocolate and watch the panties drop. Sweet, bite sized little piece of red gold. Whoever ate the first strawberry probably ended up being the tribe leader, because when he brought that shit back to camp everyone probably went ape shit. Name me one berry that is better. Blackberries are close, raspberries are gay, and blueberries are better in pie/muffin form. Fact: Strawberries are the best berry.

(Figure 1.1: Look how sexy this fruit is... seriously)

2) Watermelon: You know during the summer, when you're hot and sticky and feel like death? Besides beer, the only thing that could make you feel better is a massive slice of watermelon. I've made it my goal to always bring a whole watermelon to any party I go to. Why? Because unlike bean salad, the king of all melons won't go bad in the hot sun and will get eaten. There is just something so visceral about tearing open a melon, ripping out its guts, then feasting upon its flesh as its juices dribble down your face. Bring one of these camping, have everyone laugh at you, then they'll realize on the last day that when they're too hungover to eat real food, the watermelon reigns supreme.

(Figure 1.2: Even turtles like watermelons. You can always trust turtles)

3) Bananas: Some guys don't like bananas because of their phallic nature. Well I think that's quite gay of them. Literally I suppose. Combine these guys with strawberries and you have the original fruit combo flavor (also my favorite yogurt flave). Bananas are an awesome fruit because they are unlike any other fruit around. Opening a banana isn't a hassle like the aforementioned watermelon or even an orange. You just tear that baby open like a Christmas present and feast upon its pale shaft of potassium. Alright... maybe a little gay.

(Figure 1.3: I AM A BANANA!)

4) Tomatoes: Ha. Scientific curve ball mother fuckers!! Have you had a sandwich with a tomato? Now try it without. LAME! Tomatoes also make ketchup, tomato sauce, tomato juice (eh?). I'm growing six plants of these bad boys in my backyard right now. WHO WANTS A TAMATAH!?

(Figure 1.4: Look at how much this mother fucker loves tomatoes)

5) Cherries: A bit underrated, but a good sack full of cherries is most pleasing to my tasting buds. Cherries are often pigeon holed into the condiment group thanks to ice cream and their evil cousin the maraschino cherry. The real deal cherries are the tits. Not to mention the fact that there is a firework named after them. Cherry also happens to be one of the best candy flavors also known as red. Plus, like sunflower seeds, they come with that added bonus of being able to spit something out after consumption and not look like a jerk doing so. Pitooie! Now bring me a goblet full of cherries!

(Figure 1.5: The forgotten Fruit of the Loom fruit)

Now for the one that sucks:

1) Durian: Humans are blessed with a sense of smell that usually lets us know things our other senses fail to. Such as if something is rotten or dying or garbage. Typically fruits have a smell like a flower or something. In fact many fruits are often used for scratch and sniff stickers or air fresheners or whatever. Not the durian. This little monster found in South East Asia smells like a baby threw-up on some dying fish that at one point had eaten dirty socks. Whoof. These things smell so bad, you can't bring them into public places in Singapore (the subway, cabs, parks, elevators, hotels, etc.). You literally have to eat them on the spot, or rush them home. Not to mention the fact that the actual fruit, which looks like a brain, is trapped inside a massive spike laden orb. To actually get to the fruit you have to take a machete to the thing like its a zombie head. The fruit itself taste like a thick, putrid custard... thing. I really don't know how to describe it. Oh yeah, it also raises your blood pressure and makes you sweat. As if smelling like shit and being covered in spikes wasn't enough to get you to not eat this damn thing. If you find one, try it... but don't say I didn't warn you.

(Figure 1.6: The fine for durians? You are removed from existence)

Oscar the Grouch

Alright, so I don't know if you guys know this, but every year there is this big show and all these famous people get these awards called Oscar's for making (sometimes) good movies. They also can win them for being really nasty actors. It's called the Academy Awards, maybe you've heard of them.

Like everything else in the film world, I pretty much hate the Academy Awards, and then secretly love them when no one is looking. I understand that it's pretty much impossible for a single group to pick one movie that is the best of the entire year. There is simply too much to judge. What makes the BEST movie? Only the shadowy Academy knows for sure. Meanwhile us puny mortals are left waiting and wondering if Transformers 2 will win best sound. Well, worry no more faithful reader, because I'm going to tell you what is should win (according to me) and what most likely will win (aka shit). I'm not going to go through all the categories, because most of you probs don't give an S about a majority of them anyway.

My picks (opinion) is in bold, what I think is actually going to win is italicized. So let's get this party started:

Best Animated Feature

Nominees: Up, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Coraline, Secret of Kells, Princess and the Frog

This one was tough. I really liked Up, more than I thought I would. Not to mention the fact that it was beautiful and one of the few movies to ever make me weep, laugh, and jump with excitement. It was great, fantastic even, but in that regards its more of a best picture than a just a lowly animated feature (how did that happen anyway?). Despite all of my love for Up, Fantastic Mr. Fox really impressed me. Now I know there is a lot of Wes Anderson haters out there, but they need to take a seat. Mr. Fox had me smiling the entire time, and most importantly, it made me feel like a kid again. Also, the untraditional style of animation was like nothing I've never seen before, even in stop motion format.

Best Achievement in Editing

Nominees: Avatar, District 9, Hurt Locker, Inglorious Basterds, Precious

This will be the first time, but not the last time I say this: fuck Avatar. Seriously. Now I've already gone over this ad nauseum so I'll spare you the hate. If you haven't seen Hurt Locker yet, the you're a dummy. You should stop what you're doing right now, and go out and rent that shit. You'll say to yourself, 'dang, maybe I should see more movies than Avatar. Look at this snappy editing. Someone should give that Bryan Roy a job, because he's wicked smart.' Seriously, that's what you'll say. I also pick Hurt Locker for cinematography... so there.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Nominees: District 9, An Education, In the Loop, Precious, Up in the Air

Believe it or not another Sci-Fi movie came out in 2009 that wasn't Avatar. HUH? Oh yeah. That movie was District 9 and it was the bee knees. I suppose this is an adapted screenplay because it was based off of the short film? Anyhoo, District 9 was such a fresh, fantastic, and original idea it's going to be sad to see it get trounced by the Avatar war machine *sigh*. Up in the Air was enjoyable, and people seem to love George Clooney, so despite Mr. Clooney having nothing to do with the writing of a rather bland story, Up in the Air will probably win.

Best Original Screenplay

Nominees: The Hurt Locker, Inglorious Basterds, The Messenger, A Serious Man, Up.

This category is my fave for two reasons: 1) It's basically what I do. So it would be like if you were picking an award for best blog reader (ooooohhhh meta) and 2) I really enjoyed all these movies (minus the Messenger which I did not see). Hurt Locker was great, yes, but the writing could have been better. Up, was fun and that first 15 minutes is unreal, but in the end its an above average animated feature. A Serious Man was one of those movies that left me with chills and huhs?. If you haven't seen it, then you probably wouldn't like it. Basterds was surprisingly less Tarantino than I had anticipated and the way it was written (essentially two three act stories that share a third act) was quite creative. I think, for once, the Academy will agree.

Best Achievement in Directing

Nominees: Kathryn Bigelow (Hurt Locker), James Cameron (Avatar), Lee Daniels (Precious), Tarantino (Inglorious Basterds), Jason Reitman (Up in the Air)

Directing is one of those things about making movies that I've never really understood. From what I've gathered, a director just makes things work on set. They make the actors act, the grips grip, and the cinematographers cin. Anyway, they're a rather important aspect in making movies... I suppose. It's also a shit ton of work being a director, and if you're not ready you're movie will turn to shit quicker than a seven layer burrito from Taco Bell. Tarantino is known for being... well Tarantino, and I feel like he should get an Oscar as a sort of lifetime achievement award... in about 30 years. Reitman and Daniels, meh, you're not going to win, sorry. It really comes down to Bigelow and Cameron. Now I hated Avatar, it was really quite a piece of poo, but you have to give it to ol' Jimmy. Mr. Cameron really put together this behemoth and made it work. But then again, he is James Cameron, and if anyone could get away with a $400 dollar budget, its him (if not before than certainly now). Not to mention what Avatar brought to the table in terms of effects and blah, blah, blah. On the other hand we have Kathryn Bigelow, a rather unknown director who has been behind such gems as Point Break (!!!!!1). Now people on set are going to really listen to James Cameron, really get behind his direction because he's JAMES FUCKING CAMERON and NOT Kathryn Bigelow. Hurt Locker had such incredible acting in some parts, and the main character, uh, my god, so good. When I started writing this paragraph I was going to go with Cameron, but, fuck Avatar.

Supporting Actor/Actress

Nominees: Matt Damon (Invictus), Woody Harrelson (The Messenger), Christopher Plummer (The Last Station), Stanley Tucci (The Lovely Bones), Christoph Waltz (Ingorious Basterds)

Nominees: Penelope Cruz (Nine), Maggie Gyllenhaal (Crazy Heart), Vera Farmiga (Up in the Air), Anna Kendrick (Up in the Air), Mo'Nique (Precious)

Chistopher Waltz was one of the greatest villains I think I've seen on screen in a long time. Every scene where he would show up I was literally holding my breath in anticipation of how evil he was going to be. The fact that Matt Damon is on there is silly. For some reason I saw Invictus (see: earlier blog), and he reminded me of a piece of wood, with a bowl cut. Honestly I haven't seen the other three movies, but whatev, Waltz is gonna win anyway.

Now on to the ladies. Up in the Air was good, pretty slick, but other than Clooney, I wasn't really digging the other performances. Same deal with Gyllenhaal in Crazy Heart. Although she might have been sold short by a bum script. Haven't seen Precious, but I heard that Mo'Nique is solid in that, so I figure the Academy will go that way. Still Anna Kendrick held her own against GC, and she played her part well. I'll go with her for the long shot.

Leading Actor/Actress

Nominees: Jeff Bridges (Crazy Heart), George Clooney (Up in the Air), Colin Firth (A Single Man), Jeremy Renner (Hurt Locker), Morgan Freeman (Invictus)

Nominees: Sandra Bullock (Blind Side), Helen Mirren (The Last Station), Carey Mulligan (An Education), Gabourey Sidibe (Precious), Meryl Streep (Julie & Julia)

I'll start with all my single ladies this time. I actually haven't seen any of these movies... so I guess I won't be giving my pick. Bullock got her Globe, I think the academy will give it to the rookie Sidibe.

On the guy side I've seen all of these movies but one (A Single Man). All of these gents put on some fine performances. Freeman was probably the only good thing about Invictus. Jeff Bridges was great in The Wrestler II aka Crazy Heart. Renner blew me away (get it?) in Hurt Locker, but seriously he had some really great stuff. Clooney had a rare turn in Up in the Air where he gets to shed some of his Mr. Cool for a little vulnerability. This one is a tough call. For some reason I feel like the Academy is going to go with Bridges, who is the man so that's cool. I however am going with Da Bomb aka Jeremy Brenner. Two bomb jokes in one paragraph! Noitch!

Best Picture

Nominees: Blind Side, Avatar, Inglorious Basterds, Hurt Locker, Up, Up in the Air, District 9, Precious, Serious Man, An Education

So The Academy opened up the nominees for best picture this year to 10 films. That's pretty insane. It was to make more room for genre films after many believed The Dark Knight was snubbed of a nomination last year. So here we are, with ten films that may or not be deserved of an oscar nomination. A lot of good flicks on this list, and I'm glad to see some of my favorites of laster year are getting recognition. District 9 was great, a lot of fun, and lush with creativity and originality, but it wasn't perfect nor the best. Blind Side and An Education I didn't/will probably never see. Inglorious Basterds was better the second time around, although it was an interesting theater experience and my first real Tarantino film (not counting Death Proof and yes I missed the Kill Bills). Up, like I said before really tugged at all emotional strings possible. Up in the Air was slick but not exactly the best. A Serious Man still has me thinking. I thought it was a perfect entry into the Coen brothers line-up. Very interesting. Fuck Avatar...

It's hard to pick just one, but since I promised my picks, I shall present you with a pick. I am rooting for many films, but I want to see a win from Basterds, which I felt was an all around great piece of film making. Hurt Locker is a VERY strong second, and I wouldn't mind seeing District 9 sneak away with a statue. The Academy has a hard on for Avatar, so that's that.

Fuck Avatar