Oscar the Grouch

Alright, so I don't know if you guys know this, but every year there is this big show and all these famous people get these awards called Oscar's for making (sometimes) good movies. They also can win them for being really nasty actors. It's called the Academy Awards, maybe you've heard of them.

Like everything else in the film world, I pretty much hate the Academy Awards, and then secretly love them when no one is looking. I understand that it's pretty much impossible for a single group to pick one movie that is the best of the entire year. There is simply too much to judge. What makes the BEST movie? Only the shadowy Academy knows for sure. Meanwhile us puny mortals are left waiting and wondering if Transformers 2 will win best sound. Well, worry no more faithful reader, because I'm going to tell you what is should win (according to me) and what most likely will win (aka shit). I'm not going to go through all the categories, because most of you probs don't give an S about a majority of them anyway.

My picks (opinion) is in bold, what I think is actually going to win is italicized. So let's get this party started:

Best Animated Feature

Nominees: Up, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Coraline, Secret of Kells, Princess and the Frog

This one was tough. I really liked Up, more than I thought I would. Not to mention the fact that it was beautiful and one of the few movies to ever make me weep, laugh, and jump with excitement. It was great, fantastic even, but in that regards its more of a best picture than a just a lowly animated feature (how did that happen anyway?). Despite all of my love for Up, Fantastic Mr. Fox really impressed me. Now I know there is a lot of Wes Anderson haters out there, but they need to take a seat. Mr. Fox had me smiling the entire time, and most importantly, it made me feel like a kid again. Also, the untraditional style of animation was like nothing I've never seen before, even in stop motion format.

Best Achievement in Editing

Nominees: Avatar, District 9, Hurt Locker, Inglorious Basterds, Precious

This will be the first time, but not the last time I say this: fuck Avatar. Seriously. Now I've already gone over this ad nauseum so I'll spare you the hate. If you haven't seen Hurt Locker yet, the you're a dummy. You should stop what you're doing right now, and go out and rent that shit. You'll say to yourself, 'dang, maybe I should see more movies than Avatar. Look at this snappy editing. Someone should give that Bryan Roy a job, because he's wicked smart.' Seriously, that's what you'll say. I also pick Hurt Locker for cinematography... so there.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Nominees: District 9, An Education, In the Loop, Precious, Up in the Air

Believe it or not another Sci-Fi movie came out in 2009 that wasn't Avatar. HUH? Oh yeah. That movie was District 9 and it was the bee knees. I suppose this is an adapted screenplay because it was based off of the short film? Anyhoo, District 9 was such a fresh, fantastic, and original idea it's going to be sad to see it get trounced by the Avatar war machine *sigh*. Up in the Air was enjoyable, and people seem to love George Clooney, so despite Mr. Clooney having nothing to do with the writing of a rather bland story, Up in the Air will probably win.

Best Original Screenplay

Nominees: The Hurt Locker, Inglorious Basterds, The Messenger, A Serious Man, Up.

This category is my fave for two reasons: 1) It's basically what I do. So it would be like if you were picking an award for best blog reader (ooooohhhh meta) and 2) I really enjoyed all these movies (minus the Messenger which I did not see). Hurt Locker was great, yes, but the writing could have been better. Up, was fun and that first 15 minutes is unreal, but in the end its an above average animated feature. A Serious Man was one of those movies that left me with chills and huhs?. If you haven't seen it, then you probably wouldn't like it. Basterds was surprisingly less Tarantino than I had anticipated and the way it was written (essentially two three act stories that share a third act) was quite creative. I think, for once, the Academy will agree.

Best Achievement in Directing

Nominees: Kathryn Bigelow (Hurt Locker), James Cameron (Avatar), Lee Daniels (Precious), Tarantino (Inglorious Basterds), Jason Reitman (Up in the Air)

Directing is one of those things about making movies that I've never really understood. From what I've gathered, a director just makes things work on set. They make the actors act, the grips grip, and the cinematographers cin. Anyway, they're a rather important aspect in making movies... I suppose. It's also a shit ton of work being a director, and if you're not ready you're movie will turn to shit quicker than a seven layer burrito from Taco Bell. Tarantino is known for being... well Tarantino, and I feel like he should get an Oscar as a sort of lifetime achievement award... in about 30 years. Reitman and Daniels, meh, you're not going to win, sorry. It really comes down to Bigelow and Cameron. Now I hated Avatar, it was really quite a piece of poo, but you have to give it to ol' Jimmy. Mr. Cameron really put together this behemoth and made it work. But then again, he is James Cameron, and if anyone could get away with a $400 dollar budget, its him (if not before than certainly now). Not to mention what Avatar brought to the table in terms of effects and blah, blah, blah. On the other hand we have Kathryn Bigelow, a rather unknown director who has been behind such gems as Point Break (!!!!!1). Now people on set are going to really listen to James Cameron, really get behind his direction because he's JAMES FUCKING CAMERON and NOT Kathryn Bigelow. Hurt Locker had such incredible acting in some parts, and the main character, uh, my god, so good. When I started writing this paragraph I was going to go with Cameron, but, fuck Avatar.

Supporting Actor/Actress

Nominees: Matt Damon (Invictus), Woody Harrelson (The Messenger), Christopher Plummer (The Last Station), Stanley Tucci (The Lovely Bones), Christoph Waltz (Ingorious Basterds)

Nominees: Penelope Cruz (Nine), Maggie Gyllenhaal (Crazy Heart), Vera Farmiga (Up in the Air), Anna Kendrick (Up in the Air), Mo'Nique (Precious)

Chistopher Waltz was one of the greatest villains I think I've seen on screen in a long time. Every scene where he would show up I was literally holding my breath in anticipation of how evil he was going to be. The fact that Matt Damon is on there is silly. For some reason I saw Invictus (see: earlier blog), and he reminded me of a piece of wood, with a bowl cut. Honestly I haven't seen the other three movies, but whatev, Waltz is gonna win anyway.

Now on to the ladies. Up in the Air was good, pretty slick, but other than Clooney, I wasn't really digging the other performances. Same deal with Gyllenhaal in Crazy Heart. Although she might have been sold short by a bum script. Haven't seen Precious, but I heard that Mo'Nique is solid in that, so I figure the Academy will go that way. Still Anna Kendrick held her own against GC, and she played her part well. I'll go with her for the long shot.

Leading Actor/Actress

Nominees: Jeff Bridges (Crazy Heart), George Clooney (Up in the Air), Colin Firth (A Single Man), Jeremy Renner (Hurt Locker), Morgan Freeman (Invictus)

Nominees: Sandra Bullock (Blind Side), Helen Mirren (The Last Station), Carey Mulligan (An Education), Gabourey Sidibe (Precious), Meryl Streep (Julie & Julia)

I'll start with all my single ladies this time. I actually haven't seen any of these movies... so I guess I won't be giving my pick. Bullock got her Globe, I think the academy will give it to the rookie Sidibe.

On the guy side I've seen all of these movies but one (A Single Man). All of these gents put on some fine performances. Freeman was probably the only good thing about Invictus. Jeff Bridges was great in The Wrestler II aka Crazy Heart. Renner blew me away (get it?) in Hurt Locker, but seriously he had some really great stuff. Clooney had a rare turn in Up in the Air where he gets to shed some of his Mr. Cool for a little vulnerability. This one is a tough call. For some reason I feel like the Academy is going to go with Bridges, who is the man so that's cool. I however am going with Da Bomb aka Jeremy Brenner. Two bomb jokes in one paragraph! Noitch!

Best Picture

Nominees: Blind Side, Avatar, Inglorious Basterds, Hurt Locker, Up, Up in the Air, District 9, Precious, Serious Man, An Education

So The Academy opened up the nominees for best picture this year to 10 films. That's pretty insane. It was to make more room for genre films after many believed The Dark Knight was snubbed of a nomination last year. So here we are, with ten films that may or not be deserved of an oscar nomination. A lot of good flicks on this list, and I'm glad to see some of my favorites of laster year are getting recognition. District 9 was great, a lot of fun, and lush with creativity and originality, but it wasn't perfect nor the best. Blind Side and An Education I didn't/will probably never see. Inglorious Basterds was better the second time around, although it was an interesting theater experience and my first real Tarantino film (not counting Death Proof and yes I missed the Kill Bills). Up, like I said before really tugged at all emotional strings possible. Up in the Air was slick but not exactly the best. A Serious Man still has me thinking. I thought it was a perfect entry into the Coen brothers line-up. Very interesting. Fuck Avatar...

It's hard to pick just one, but since I promised my picks, I shall present you with a pick. I am rooting for many films, but I want to see a win from Basterds, which I felt was an all around great piece of film making. Hurt Locker is a VERY strong second, and I wouldn't mind seeing District 9 sneak away with a statue. The Academy has a hard on for Avatar, so that's that.

Fuck Avatar

Flux Vector

Avatar. Everyone has been talking about this bad boy for a while now. People seem to think this is the future of film making and that it is literally a piece of instantly classic cinema. Seriously, people are all wet about this thing and are going crazy for it. It was nominated for a fucking Golden Globe before it was even released! And if you don't like it, beware the mighty lynch mob of uber fans (just see how they attack Doug Benson via twitter after he said he didn't like it). So one must ask, does the man that hates all films enjoy the supposed most important film of our time? What follows is a brief summary and review of Avatar. I would say that there are spoilers, but if you don't know the story after watching the first ten minutes of the movie, then I would recommend you leave the theater and complete your grade school education. None the less... SPOILER ALERT!

Here's a brief timeline of my pre Avatar feelings. My first impressions: I thought it looked stupid, didn't like the character designs, and overall wasn't impressed. As more and more trailers, teasers, and co-branding shit came about, my enthusiasm about James Cameron's masterpiece only grew weaker. Then came the reviews. This thing was, supposedly, legit. I figured it was something I had to see, if only to see the nutty 3D Imax bullshit.

Here's a brief synopsis of Avatar. Okay so there are these marines, led by Ari Gold and Guile from Street Fighter. They want this metal called unobtanium. Seriously, its so rare they just named it sofuckinghardtogetonium. They also renamed kryptonite as antisupermanonium. So they want this rare metal (20 mil a kilo!) and there is a big fat lode of it on this crazy little planet called Pandora. Surely nothing can possibly go wrong on a named after a bitch that fucked mankind for eternity with her curiosity. So Guile and his merry band of space marines are just gonna go in and make a shit ton of money right? Alas my friend, there are tall, blue things in the way. Tall blue things with ARROWS!

For some reason, the evil space marines decide to try and use super science to solve the problem of the angry native. They use this super complex technology to transport the consciousness of human beings into their own personal blue things, hence Avatar. Their plan is to learn about them via assimilation and then bring them down from the inside or some garbage. This raises several questions:

1) With the ability to transport consciousness into different bodies and travel lightyears through space with cryfreeze, where did the marines put their weapons? With this kind of technology shouldn't the miitary have some insane shit? How could tall blue hippies with rocks possibly pose a threat to the army of the future? They really need to learn their secrets/become friends with them?

2) Is Sygorny Weaver the most unattractive creature on all planets? Seriously, she's fucking ghoulish, even as a blue tiger-man. Yes tiger-man, calling her a tiger-woman would be an insult to tiger-women everywhere.

So anyway the paralyzd marine guy, I'm sure you've all seen him in the trailers and he's so generic its not worth going into his character, gets to be one of these Avatars. After several loosley threaded together set-pieces, the marine guy (Jake) finds himself face to face with the hipster chick of the blu ray tribe. Seriously, this tiger-woman has gauged ears and feathers in her hair. Total hipster. She doesn't kill him because she wants to fuck his brains out. Seriously, I could practically smell those tiger-woman pheromones... perhaps it was really 4D? SO after the tree of life gets its seeds all up on Jake's business, Hipster is convinced that he's totally chill. Mom and Pop, the village shaman and leader respectively, aren't so keen on this Jake guy (surprise!). However, after a montage in which Jake learns how useless a bow and arrow are and he tames a flying lizard, the blue people think he's totally the shit... well maybe like 80% the shit. The town joke still thinks he's totally lame.

To go on a brief tangent, the amount of phallic symbolism in this movie is insane. Big guns/spears are rather standard but Avatar goes a step further. The pokemon of pandora are 'controlled' when the blue folks put their hair pubes (note, not pube hairs, literally the pubes of their hair) into their ear holes. Which is quite strange. I chuckled the first time Jake rode his dragon bird with its head looking like he was straddling a massive dong. I could probably write a paper about this is A) I cared or B) wanted to write a paper (see: never). As part of the climax, Jake trades his bird-dragon pokemon in for an EVEN BIGGER BIRD-DRAGON COCK!

I really kind of lost my train of thought there... At some point there is Jake on Hipster alien sex. Then the marines try to blow up a big tree, fail, and get beaten by the ewoks. Somehow I like the ewoks better then the blue guys. My entire life I've been told to root for the space marines, and even though I suppose they were the villains here, I was really hoping they would get that hardtoaccsessonium.

In brief: Avatar is a turd wrapped in a glittery, sparkly, expensive package that is so mind numbingly beautiful you really don't care that there is a turd inside. The dialogue is a fucking laugh riot, the story is stock and boring, and the characters are rather forgettable. Does it deserve critical praise? No. NONONO. Is it a fun, corny action romp? Yes. Bring the barf bags if you see this in Imax. Bring your mind altering substance of choice if you choose to see this anywhere.

Final Verdict: See it in theaters, because when this hits home video its really going to get neutered.