Fruity Pebbles

Out of the mist there emerged.... a ROY! Seriously folks it's been a while. Last post had something to do with the Osacars... whatever those are. Anyway, to get my blog juices (mmmmm, blog juice) flowing I decided to start a new series of posts called '5 things that are awesome and one that sucks'. Basically, I'll tell you about five things that I really dig. Throughout the course of the article, by using subtle mind control and clever writing techniques, I'll convince you that you also like these things. Then, since I hate so much stuff, I'll include one thing that sucks. So this is the pilot episode of "5 Things that are Awsome and 1 That Sucks". I promise it'll be better then The Jay Leno Show:

Today's Episode: Fruit

Now I really like fruit, a lot. It's hard not to like fruit. Someone the other day told me that they didn't like fruit. WHAT?! How can someone discredit an entire piece of the food pyramid? There are so many different fruits out there, and saying you don't like them all is just straight up fruitist. Anyway, those people who don't like fruit are crazy and wrong. For all ya'll who don't hate on my seeded brethren. Here's 5 fruits that are awesome (and 1 that sucks).

1) Strawberry: There is a reason why strawberries are involved with satin sheets and candlelight. It's because they're a fuckin' sexy fruit. Cover them in chocolate and watch the panties drop. Sweet, bite sized little piece of red gold. Whoever ate the first strawberry probably ended up being the tribe leader, because when he brought that shit back to camp everyone probably went ape shit. Name me one berry that is better. Blackberries are close, raspberries are gay, and blueberries are better in pie/muffin form. Fact: Strawberries are the best berry.

(Figure 1.1: Look how sexy this fruit is... seriously)

2) Watermelon: You know during the summer, when you're hot and sticky and feel like death? Besides beer, the only thing that could make you feel better is a massive slice of watermelon. I've made it my goal to always bring a whole watermelon to any party I go to. Why? Because unlike bean salad, the king of all melons won't go bad in the hot sun and will get eaten. There is just something so visceral about tearing open a melon, ripping out its guts, then feasting upon its flesh as its juices dribble down your face. Bring one of these camping, have everyone laugh at you, then they'll realize on the last day that when they're too hungover to eat real food, the watermelon reigns supreme.

(Figure 1.2: Even turtles like watermelons. You can always trust turtles)

3) Bananas: Some guys don't like bananas because of their phallic nature. Well I think that's quite gay of them. Literally I suppose. Combine these guys with strawberries and you have the original fruit combo flavor (also my favorite yogurt flave). Bananas are an awesome fruit because they are unlike any other fruit around. Opening a banana isn't a hassle like the aforementioned watermelon or even an orange. You just tear that baby open like a Christmas present and feast upon its pale shaft of potassium. Alright... maybe a little gay.

(Figure 1.3: I AM A BANANA!)

4) Tomatoes: Ha. Scientific curve ball mother fuckers!! Have you had a sandwich with a tomato? Now try it without. LAME! Tomatoes also make ketchup, tomato sauce, tomato juice (eh?). I'm growing six plants of these bad boys in my backyard right now. WHO WANTS A TAMATAH!?

(Figure 1.4: Look at how much this mother fucker loves tomatoes)

5) Cherries: A bit underrated, but a good sack full of cherries is most pleasing to my tasting buds. Cherries are often pigeon holed into the condiment group thanks to ice cream and their evil cousin the maraschino cherry. The real deal cherries are the tits. Not to mention the fact that there is a firework named after them. Cherry also happens to be one of the best candy flavors also known as red. Plus, like sunflower seeds, they come with that added bonus of being able to spit something out after consumption and not look like a jerk doing so. Pitooie! Now bring me a goblet full of cherries!

(Figure 1.5: The forgotten Fruit of the Loom fruit)

Now for the one that sucks:

1) Durian: Humans are blessed with a sense of smell that usually lets us know things our other senses fail to. Such as if something is rotten or dying or garbage. Typically fruits have a smell like a flower or something. In fact many fruits are often used for scratch and sniff stickers or air fresheners or whatever. Not the durian. This little monster found in South East Asia smells like a baby threw-up on some dying fish that at one point had eaten dirty socks. Whoof. These things smell so bad, you can't bring them into public places in Singapore (the subway, cabs, parks, elevators, hotels, etc.). You literally have to eat them on the spot, or rush them home. Not to mention the fact that the actual fruit, which looks like a brain, is trapped inside a massive spike laden orb. To actually get to the fruit you have to take a machete to the thing like its a zombie head. The fruit itself taste like a thick, putrid custard... thing. I really don't know how to describe it. Oh yeah, it also raises your blood pressure and makes you sweat. As if smelling like shit and being covered in spikes wasn't enough to get you to not eat this damn thing. If you find one, try it... but don't say I didn't warn you.

(Figure 1.6: The fine for durians? You are removed from existence)

Oscar the Grouch

Alright, so I don't know if you guys know this, but every year there is this big show and all these famous people get these awards called Oscar's for making (sometimes) good movies. They also can win them for being really nasty actors. It's called the Academy Awards, maybe you've heard of them.

Like everything else in the film world, I pretty much hate the Academy Awards, and then secretly love them when no one is looking. I understand that it's pretty much impossible for a single group to pick one movie that is the best of the entire year. There is simply too much to judge. What makes the BEST movie? Only the shadowy Academy knows for sure. Meanwhile us puny mortals are left waiting and wondering if Transformers 2 will win best sound. Well, worry no more faithful reader, because I'm going to tell you what is should win (according to me) and what most likely will win (aka shit). I'm not going to go through all the categories, because most of you probs don't give an S about a majority of them anyway.

My picks (opinion) is in bold, what I think is actually going to win is italicized. So let's get this party started:

Best Animated Feature

Nominees: Up, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Coraline, Secret of Kells, Princess and the Frog

This one was tough. I really liked Up, more than I thought I would. Not to mention the fact that it was beautiful and one of the few movies to ever make me weep, laugh, and jump with excitement. It was great, fantastic even, but in that regards its more of a best picture than a just a lowly animated feature (how did that happen anyway?). Despite all of my love for Up, Fantastic Mr. Fox really impressed me. Now I know there is a lot of Wes Anderson haters out there, but they need to take a seat. Mr. Fox had me smiling the entire time, and most importantly, it made me feel like a kid again. Also, the untraditional style of animation was like nothing I've never seen before, even in stop motion format.

Best Achievement in Editing

Nominees: Avatar, District 9, Hurt Locker, Inglorious Basterds, Precious

This will be the first time, but not the last time I say this: fuck Avatar. Seriously. Now I've already gone over this ad nauseum so I'll spare you the hate. If you haven't seen Hurt Locker yet, the you're a dummy. You should stop what you're doing right now, and go out and rent that shit. You'll say to yourself, 'dang, maybe I should see more movies than Avatar. Look at this snappy editing. Someone should give that Bryan Roy a job, because he's wicked smart.' Seriously, that's what you'll say. I also pick Hurt Locker for cinematography... so there.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Nominees: District 9, An Education, In the Loop, Precious, Up in the Air

Believe it or not another Sci-Fi movie came out in 2009 that wasn't Avatar. HUH? Oh yeah. That movie was District 9 and it was the bee knees. I suppose this is an adapted screenplay because it was based off of the short film? Anyhoo, District 9 was such a fresh, fantastic, and original idea it's going to be sad to see it get trounced by the Avatar war machine *sigh*. Up in the Air was enjoyable, and people seem to love George Clooney, so despite Mr. Clooney having nothing to do with the writing of a rather bland story, Up in the Air will probably win.

Best Original Screenplay

Nominees: The Hurt Locker, Inglorious Basterds, The Messenger, A Serious Man, Up.

This category is my fave for two reasons: 1) It's basically what I do. So it would be like if you were picking an award for best blog reader (ooooohhhh meta) and 2) I really enjoyed all these movies (minus the Messenger which I did not see). Hurt Locker was great, yes, but the writing could have been better. Up, was fun and that first 15 minutes is unreal, but in the end its an above average animated feature. A Serious Man was one of those movies that left me with chills and huhs?. If you haven't seen it, then you probably wouldn't like it. Basterds was surprisingly less Tarantino than I had anticipated and the way it was written (essentially two three act stories that share a third act) was quite creative. I think, for once, the Academy will agree.

Best Achievement in Directing

Nominees: Kathryn Bigelow (Hurt Locker), James Cameron (Avatar), Lee Daniels (Precious), Tarantino (Inglorious Basterds), Jason Reitman (Up in the Air)

Directing is one of those things about making movies that I've never really understood. From what I've gathered, a director just makes things work on set. They make the actors act, the grips grip, and the cinematographers cin. Anyway, they're a rather important aspect in making movies... I suppose. It's also a shit ton of work being a director, and if you're not ready you're movie will turn to shit quicker than a seven layer burrito from Taco Bell. Tarantino is known for being... well Tarantino, and I feel like he should get an Oscar as a sort of lifetime achievement award... in about 30 years. Reitman and Daniels, meh, you're not going to win, sorry. It really comes down to Bigelow and Cameron. Now I hated Avatar, it was really quite a piece of poo, but you have to give it to ol' Jimmy. Mr. Cameron really put together this behemoth and made it work. But then again, he is James Cameron, and if anyone could get away with a $400 dollar budget, its him (if not before than certainly now). Not to mention what Avatar brought to the table in terms of effects and blah, blah, blah. On the other hand we have Kathryn Bigelow, a rather unknown director who has been behind such gems as Point Break (!!!!!1). Now people on set are going to really listen to James Cameron, really get behind his direction because he's JAMES FUCKING CAMERON and NOT Kathryn Bigelow. Hurt Locker had such incredible acting in some parts, and the main character, uh, my god, so good. When I started writing this paragraph I was going to go with Cameron, but, fuck Avatar.

Supporting Actor/Actress

Nominees: Matt Damon (Invictus), Woody Harrelson (The Messenger), Christopher Plummer (The Last Station), Stanley Tucci (The Lovely Bones), Christoph Waltz (Ingorious Basterds)

Nominees: Penelope Cruz (Nine), Maggie Gyllenhaal (Crazy Heart), Vera Farmiga (Up in the Air), Anna Kendrick (Up in the Air), Mo'Nique (Precious)

Chistopher Waltz was one of the greatest villains I think I've seen on screen in a long time. Every scene where he would show up I was literally holding my breath in anticipation of how evil he was going to be. The fact that Matt Damon is on there is silly. For some reason I saw Invictus (see: earlier blog), and he reminded me of a piece of wood, with a bowl cut. Honestly I haven't seen the other three movies, but whatev, Waltz is gonna win anyway.

Now on to the ladies. Up in the Air was good, pretty slick, but other than Clooney, I wasn't really digging the other performances. Same deal with Gyllenhaal in Crazy Heart. Although she might have been sold short by a bum script. Haven't seen Precious, but I heard that Mo'Nique is solid in that, so I figure the Academy will go that way. Still Anna Kendrick held her own against GC, and she played her part well. I'll go with her for the long shot.

Leading Actor/Actress

Nominees: Jeff Bridges (Crazy Heart), George Clooney (Up in the Air), Colin Firth (A Single Man), Jeremy Renner (Hurt Locker), Morgan Freeman (Invictus)

Nominees: Sandra Bullock (Blind Side), Helen Mirren (The Last Station), Carey Mulligan (An Education), Gabourey Sidibe (Precious), Meryl Streep (Julie & Julia)

I'll start with all my single ladies this time. I actually haven't seen any of these movies... so I guess I won't be giving my pick. Bullock got her Globe, I think the academy will give it to the rookie Sidibe.

On the guy side I've seen all of these movies but one (A Single Man). All of these gents put on some fine performances. Freeman was probably the only good thing about Invictus. Jeff Bridges was great in The Wrestler II aka Crazy Heart. Renner blew me away (get it?) in Hurt Locker, but seriously he had some really great stuff. Clooney had a rare turn in Up in the Air where he gets to shed some of his Mr. Cool for a little vulnerability. This one is a tough call. For some reason I feel like the Academy is going to go with Bridges, who is the man so that's cool. I however am going with Da Bomb aka Jeremy Brenner. Two bomb jokes in one paragraph! Noitch!

Best Picture

Nominees: Blind Side, Avatar, Inglorious Basterds, Hurt Locker, Up, Up in the Air, District 9, Precious, Serious Man, An Education

So The Academy opened up the nominees for best picture this year to 10 films. That's pretty insane. It was to make more room for genre films after many believed The Dark Knight was snubbed of a nomination last year. So here we are, with ten films that may or not be deserved of an oscar nomination. A lot of good flicks on this list, and I'm glad to see some of my favorites of laster year are getting recognition. District 9 was great, a lot of fun, and lush with creativity and originality, but it wasn't perfect nor the best. Blind Side and An Education I didn't/will probably never see. Inglorious Basterds was better the second time around, although it was an interesting theater experience and my first real Tarantino film (not counting Death Proof and yes I missed the Kill Bills). Up, like I said before really tugged at all emotional strings possible. Up in the Air was slick but not exactly the best. A Serious Man still has me thinking. I thought it was a perfect entry into the Coen brothers line-up. Very interesting. Fuck Avatar...

It's hard to pick just one, but since I promised my picks, I shall present you with a pick. I am rooting for many films, but I want to see a win from Basterds, which I felt was an all around great piece of film making. Hurt Locker is a VERY strong second, and I wouldn't mind seeing District 9 sneak away with a statue. The Academy has a hard on for Avatar, so that's that.

Fuck Avatar

Free Sample

Here's a little free writing I did a few months ago. Thought I posted this, but I guess I didn't. Not necessarily about anyone or part of anything. I just found myself with the inspiration to put some words on some paper. Dig? So I present to you with the following untitled piece:

--------

“Tell me a story”

A phrase that I heard on more than a daily basis, but the first time I had heard it come from my niece’s mouth. The first words she had said to me beyond the initial, shy hello. Five years ago my sister consummated her marriage to a guy I have barely met with an event that I would rather not ponder about. This aforementioned unmentionable event would lead to a niece I had never met until today. With the way information traveled these days, via video messages and megapixel photos I feel like I’ve been there since her first step. In reality I’ve been 3000 miles away.

“Mommy says that you’re a story teller”

True, by definition I did tell stories. At least I liked to think that my assortments of words on pages could be taken as stories. In reality I told stiffs in suits words like ‘high concept’ and ‘franchise’ so I could then turn out a hackneyed retelling of one of 100 stories. All so I could line my pockets with more unnecessary paper. You want talking monkeys who sell real estate? Got it. A love story between *gasp* two women, with a twist that one is really *OMG* a man? Sure, I can do that. Some say that what I’m doing is called living the dream. I call it purgatory with a six figure salary. I eagerly await the day when I can actually tell my own stories, so why not practice with a willing and eager audience.

“Okay,” I said, pushing the flimsy plastic straw through the tiny foil hole, as though I was drilling for apple juice, “But don’t you want to, uh, play or something?”

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell a story to this little human who happened to share a fraction of my genetics, it’s just that at the moment my mind grapes had been thoroughly squeezed. My brain was filled with stats for a Playboy article regarding the swingers scene in L.A. Meanwhile I was redrafting some sort of shit motorcycle street racing p.o.s. for Paramount. Apparently the kids were all about racing their motorbikes these days, who knew? Not exactly material appropriate for a five uear old. Plus I was perfectly content at ogling the myriad of MILFs who littered the area. Sufficient payment for an afternoon of babysitting while the parental units did the typical sightseeing.

“Play? You mean like swing and stuff? That’s for kids.” Five years old and she was already too old for something.

“Sure, swing, slide, you tell me. You know it’s been a while since I’ve been five,” I said, sliding the juice box across the table like some sort of kiddy bartender, “You’re never too old to have fun ya’know.”

Her soft blue eyes flitted across the playground with a general look of disinterest. How dare this little scamp stick her nose up at this place, it was like the Fischer Price version of Vegas. Hell, if it wasn’t likely to get me tossed onto some sex offender list or more likely into the hospital I’d be swinging across monkey bars and barreling through those plastic tunnels like a mad man. But to each their own.

“Alright then, a story it is,” I said with a theatrical clearing of my throat, “Any requests?”

There were none, so I began to spout off a rather tired concept about a little girl having to go on an adventure. A rare fairy tale about a lass of peasantly status rescuing a trapped prince. A perfect package with equal parts magic and prince and heroine hand-holding. Little girls still liked this crap right? I could tell by the way her young face began to crinkle like an old hag that my assumptions were grossly incorrect. There was an almost immediate interjection.

“Is this story about a girl just because I’M a girl?”

Yikes. This pleasant afternoon in the park was quickly turning into the pitch meeting from hell. That familiar feeling of stomach unbalance that usually led to quick-toed thinking began to creep up my spine.

“Well-” I tried to explain myself

“I’m five and three quarters you know, I’m not a baby. So don’t treat me like one.”

Sweet zombie Jesus! This young one had some sass, certainly a trait bestowed upon her by my sister and one I had nearly 20 years of experience dealing with. Perhaps this wasn’t my niece at all, and simply a plant from one of the studios, trying to pick my brain for free… bastards. Or maybe I was on some sort of reality, hidden camera, Running Man type program. No, I’m not that lucky to be treated with instant, undeserved celebrity. Like usual, my mind had drifted off course like an untethered dingy. Back to the firing squad.

“I figured I’d test you, see what you were made of.” I laid out the mental challenge, knowing that few cocky youngsters could resist its bait, “Obviously you’re a bit sharper than I though. Bet your Mommy and Daddy are proud of that.”

“Sure,” she said looking at the ground. Her attention momentarily diverted by a few skittering ants, “But why is the main character a girl?”

The same afternoon sun that was turning her East Coast eyes into slits was now burning on my back. This, amongst a long list of other reasons, was why I chose not to procreate. The Questions.

“Since you’re obviously above the whole princess saves the day type thing, I’ll give you something a bit more adult”

I could almost hear her perk up at the words. Nothing glowed more brightly for a youngster then the promise of seeing or hearing something ‘more adult’. But now I had worked my way into the ropes against a kid. Sure I had an infinite amount of stories that were adult, but nothing nearly appropriate for my Mom, let alone my five year old niece. As a failsafe I’d have to preface this with a phrase commonly uttered by uncles at family parties and fathers on fishing trips.

“Yeah, just don’t tell your mother about this. ”

Flux Vector

Avatar. Everyone has been talking about this bad boy for a while now. People seem to think this is the future of film making and that it is literally a piece of instantly classic cinema. Seriously, people are all wet about this thing and are going crazy for it. It was nominated for a fucking Golden Globe before it was even released! And if you don't like it, beware the mighty lynch mob of uber fans (just see how they attack Doug Benson via twitter after he said he didn't like it). So one must ask, does the man that hates all films enjoy the supposed most important film of our time? What follows is a brief summary and review of Avatar. I would say that there are spoilers, but if you don't know the story after watching the first ten minutes of the movie, then I would recommend you leave the theater and complete your grade school education. None the less... SPOILER ALERT!

Here's a brief timeline of my pre Avatar feelings. My first impressions: I thought it looked stupid, didn't like the character designs, and overall wasn't impressed. As more and more trailers, teasers, and co-branding shit came about, my enthusiasm about James Cameron's masterpiece only grew weaker. Then came the reviews. This thing was, supposedly, legit. I figured it was something I had to see, if only to see the nutty 3D Imax bullshit.

Here's a brief synopsis of Avatar. Okay so there are these marines, led by Ari Gold and Guile from Street Fighter. They want this metal called unobtanium. Seriously, its so rare they just named it sofuckinghardtogetonium. They also renamed kryptonite as antisupermanonium. So they want this rare metal (20 mil a kilo!) and there is a big fat lode of it on this crazy little planet called Pandora. Surely nothing can possibly go wrong on a named after a bitch that fucked mankind for eternity with her curiosity. So Guile and his merry band of space marines are just gonna go in and make a shit ton of money right? Alas my friend, there are tall, blue things in the way. Tall blue things with ARROWS!

For some reason, the evil space marines decide to try and use super science to solve the problem of the angry native. They use this super complex technology to transport the consciousness of human beings into their own personal blue things, hence Avatar. Their plan is to learn about them via assimilation and then bring them down from the inside or some garbage. This raises several questions:

1) With the ability to transport consciousness into different bodies and travel lightyears through space with cryfreeze, where did the marines put their weapons? With this kind of technology shouldn't the miitary have some insane shit? How could tall blue hippies with rocks possibly pose a threat to the army of the future? They really need to learn their secrets/become friends with them?

2) Is Sygorny Weaver the most unattractive creature on all planets? Seriously, she's fucking ghoulish, even as a blue tiger-man. Yes tiger-man, calling her a tiger-woman would be an insult to tiger-women everywhere.

So anyway the paralyzd marine guy, I'm sure you've all seen him in the trailers and he's so generic its not worth going into his character, gets to be one of these Avatars. After several loosley threaded together set-pieces, the marine guy (Jake) finds himself face to face with the hipster chick of the blu ray tribe. Seriously, this tiger-woman has gauged ears and feathers in her hair. Total hipster. She doesn't kill him because she wants to fuck his brains out. Seriously, I could practically smell those tiger-woman pheromones... perhaps it was really 4D? SO after the tree of life gets its seeds all up on Jake's business, Hipster is convinced that he's totally chill. Mom and Pop, the village shaman and leader respectively, aren't so keen on this Jake guy (surprise!). However, after a montage in which Jake learns how useless a bow and arrow are and he tames a flying lizard, the blue people think he's totally the shit... well maybe like 80% the shit. The town joke still thinks he's totally lame.

To go on a brief tangent, the amount of phallic symbolism in this movie is insane. Big guns/spears are rather standard but Avatar goes a step further. The pokemon of pandora are 'controlled' when the blue folks put their hair pubes (note, not pube hairs, literally the pubes of their hair) into their ear holes. Which is quite strange. I chuckled the first time Jake rode his dragon bird with its head looking like he was straddling a massive dong. I could probably write a paper about this is A) I cared or B) wanted to write a paper (see: never). As part of the climax, Jake trades his bird-dragon pokemon in for an EVEN BIGGER BIRD-DRAGON COCK!

I really kind of lost my train of thought there... At some point there is Jake on Hipster alien sex. Then the marines try to blow up a big tree, fail, and get beaten by the ewoks. Somehow I like the ewoks better then the blue guys. My entire life I've been told to root for the space marines, and even though I suppose they were the villains here, I was really hoping they would get that hardtoaccsessonium.

In brief: Avatar is a turd wrapped in a glittery, sparkly, expensive package that is so mind numbingly beautiful you really don't care that there is a turd inside. The dialogue is a fucking laugh riot, the story is stock and boring, and the characters are rather forgettable. Does it deserve critical praise? No. NONONO. Is it a fun, corny action romp? Yes. Bring the barf bags if you see this in Imax. Bring your mind altering substance of choice if you choose to see this anywhere.

Final Verdict: See it in theaters, because when this hits home video its really going to get neutered.

Carrot Juice

Someone I found myself at the theater watching Invictus yesterday. After pondering for a moment, I deduced my reasoning for arriving:

1) I was napping and Fred came in and asked me if I wanted to go see aforementioned movie. So, post-nap confusion may be to blame for this lapse in judgement.

2) I was also the last car in the driveway, so I would've had to of moved my car anyway... so I ended up moving it all the way to the parking lot at the Americana.

After adventuring through the mall, discussing mall based zombie attacks and jerking around the Lov Sac salesman, we bumbled our way into the theater. Popcorn was purchased. Fuck loads of popcorn. So much god damn popcorn. If you can eat a large popcorn, then get a refill, and even eat a single kernel, then perhaps you should consider investing in corn. So popcorn was distributed amongst the three of us via some boxes that the popcorn jerker was kind enough to give us.

Anyway, on to the movie. I had about

0 expectations for this movie. You might even say I had about a -2 expectation for this movie. Deep down inside I have a sore spot for cheesy sports movies. All the Rocky movies, Rudy, Victory, hell even that one about the Eagles with Markie Mark. All those flicks are alright in my book. With the sport of choice being Rugby, at least I would get to see a sport on film that I've never seen before... however this logic could be quite flawed had the movie been about cricket, or... like swimming or some shit.

Considering you probably don't want to read a review, dig these notes:

- There was a preview for some Mel Gibson movie that takes place in Boston. I'm really fucking sick of every movie giving people from Boston over the top Southie accents. Seriously.

- I know nothing about Rugby. Here's what I've gathered from Invictus

~ Apparently there is a lot of grunting and shoving. All while holding hands.

~ If you've got a really little guy on your team, you can use him in a sort of fastball special type maneuver.

~ There is a lot of field goal kicking. I imagine it is similar to another foreign sport: Canadian Football.

~ New Zealand has a team called the All Blacks, despite having no Black players. (Note: They did however have a large Samoan type looking dude.)

- Nelson Mandela had a fucking tight wardrobe. He either wore suits, pimping silver shirts with crazy patterns, or Cosby sweaters. No wonder they locked him up, they feared the social upheaval that his stellar wardrobe would cause.

- Morgan Freeman looked more like Admiral Ackbar than Mandela.

Overall I gave this thang a C+. See it if you must, or if you really like Matt Damon. However I imagine if you're that big of a Damon fan, you've already seen this thing a few times. Cheers!

Airstrike

Remember when I said I'd be continuing that movie list? Yeah, fuck that noise. A) No one cared (including myself) and B) I realized I hate every movie anyway. Literally it's so rare that I see a movie I like. Don't think I'm being a pretentious (bleh) film snob, because really I just hate most things. People, movies, smells, areas; literally out of everything I like, and I'm being generous, maybe 35%. There are so few things in this world I like, it's astounding that I haven't gone all 'Falling Down'. However, recently I have discovered something I actually do like, beyond Call of Duty and masturbation of course. In fact, if you had told me I would have enjoyed this thing before I had experienced it, I would quite possibly of spat, maybe even spat upon you. But alas, here I am enjoying the toxic wonders of MTV's The Jersey Shore.

Yep. I said it. I enjoy this astounding piece of American television like a guido enjoys a protein shakes and fist pumping. The constant seesaw between hilarity and toilet filling nausea is like nothing I've ever experienced before. On one hand, the show is a terrifying freak show; displaying to the world the very reason why America is destined for the shitter faster then an evening of El Pollo Loco. While these fine 'guidos' and 'guidettes' may seem like rare beasts, they are growing in number and I can tell you that my generation is leading the league in douchiness. Invest in Jager and Red Bull now because that shit is going to go through the roof (if it hasn't already)

Being able to observe these alien, Affliction clad, orange skinned beasts from the safety of my couch is perhaps the point of redemption that makes the show enjoyable. No longer to I have to venture out to 'The Club' and get my ears blown out by shit house music while I scream a 'conversation' to a girl who looks like she applied her make-up with an Oozinator (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s830U1ckE6A&feature=related). Its almost like MTV read my mind and took all the garbage out of the Real World and just handed me a 45 minute peep show with an alcohol content higher than The Hoff's blood and more tribal tattoos than there are actual tribes. The best part? I don't think these people realize what train wrecks they are. A choice line of dialogue from one of the future members of MENSA was: "This work (t-shirt shop cashier) is below me. I'm a bartender."

Indeed.

So let's all raise our glasses and stock our bomb shelters, because honestly 2012 is looking pretty good right now.

ABC Must See Movies: Episode 1

Alright, so a little change of pace in terms of this blog. Since I don't really have a job yet (internship two days a week) I've been watching a buttload of movies. I like to call it research, ya'know, gotta see what gets made versus what doesn't... or some shit. Anyway, since I have seen so many movies, I decided to help you brainless bloggers out by telling you what you should watch. Now before I get to the list, there are some FAQa I must address.

1) Are these your favorite movies?

Hell naw. Some of 'em might be, but I was hoping to go for movies people might not have seen, or have never heard of. Sure I could Back to the Future, but everyone knows that movie is the tits anyway so that would be useless.

2) Will you be doing another list?

Mayhaps

3) Doth there be spoilers in thine blog?

I'll try not to ruin anything. Because that would just ruin things

3) Who is asking these questions?

STFU

Alright, let's begin:

A is for American Movie.

Genre: Documentary

Running Time: 107 min

(Writer, Director, Actor, American)

This flick follows the exploits of a film maker with no experience, no mon

ey, and no clue. What he does have, and what this film oozes is passion. It brought me back to when I first picked up a camera and shot my first 'films' with my friends (Saturday the 8th and Big Time Cops for those keeping score). You'll laugh, you'll look away with shame, and you might even cry. If you have any connection to making films, whether on an amateur or professional level, you'll be able to take something away from this doc. A perfect place to start this list... so like totally watch this one first.

B is for Being There

Genre: Dark Comedy

Running Time: 130 min (according to IMDB... I don't remember it being that long)

(The Swedish movie poster, totally legit)

Peter Sellers stars in this gem about our media saturated world in the role of Chance the gardener. As funny as it is emotional... fuck I really wish I could remember this movie, but it's really dope. It was one of the movies my Dad told me to watch, I'm sure this won't be the only one of those on this list (other Dave Roy recommendations have included Taxi Driver, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and Falling Down). You'll "like to watch" this one.

C is for Cobra Verde

Genre: Badass

Running Time: Just fucking watch the movie, who cares how long it is

(Cobra Verde fucks shit up, and literally just fucks)

Werner Herzog and Klaus Kinski manage to yet again not kill each other and collaborate for this masterpiece of badassness. A guy gets his hand caught in a suger sheather or some shit in tis movie, and Klaus Kinski is in it, so I really don't know what else to say. Plus, did you see that fucking pic?

Alright, I planned on doing more in this installment but I got burntout on the idea. I don't see you doing any blogging so don't complain. I assure you that at some point the other 23 entries will find their way here.