Goodbye Royal

Saturday was the shittiest day of my life, pun very much intended. That being said, the following blog is a very real, very graphic, and very disgusting account of my last few days.

Friday - Woozy all day. Light headed, nothing serious. I thought it was a catagory 1.5 hangover. Nothing to bitch about. Typical side effects from tequila consumption. Olive Garden dinner. Delicious, but deadly. This would not be the last time I would see that dish of Chicken Alfredo...

Saturday - All hell breaks lose in my gastro-intestinal tract. I literally shit about 25 times that day. Except it was like peeing out my butt. Miserable. Like a gypsy had placed a curse on me. I was powerless, my guts were revolting against me and there was nothing I could do. The climax came when I booted for about three minutes straight. Jet engine style. Chicken Alfredo made a cameo appearance.

Sunday - Day of rest. My guts needed to rebuild. Actually was able to eat food. Needed to regain strength. Crushed the toon Disney channel. Aladdin was the shit. Made plans.

Today - Nearing full strength. Able to make solid shits and fart without crapping my pants (seriously it sucks not being able to fart). I still can't eat food without feeling weird. Fuck that. Tonight is gonna be ill. Winchester meets Manchester with a dash of Auburn. Its going to be like the Flinstones meets the Jetsons (tight movie).

Drunkocity

OKAY, so here it is. No spellm checks, none of that sit. a real blog from the dark dungeins of drunkeness. so here it goees.

My cat is the shit. doesnt matter wht his nam is I calllll him whatever i want. cat, dog, weiner, bro, homie, slice, kimbo slice, whatever. he is the shit. je follows me arounl all day every day. younknow wht ? fuck this ! fuck blog@ its gay@

Rhythm Vampires

Here is a rare first draft of my Christmas list this year. It was promptly rejected by "Santa":

1) Time Machine - Doesn't have to be the Delorian model, but that would be the sweetest.

2) Statometer - How many times have you wanted to know certain things. Like how many times have I farted in my life, how many times I've used the letter F, how many peanuts I've eaten, etc.

3) Clone - two Roys twice the rant!

4) Slave - pretty self explanatory. Did kids get slaves from their plantation owner uncles back in the day?

5) Sex Slave - see #4. This one is just really hot.

6) Magic Lamp - Since I'm not a moron like Aladin, I could really benefit from a magic lamp.

7) True Love - O RLY?

8) An official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle, with a compass in the stock and 'this thing' which tells time - Shot my eye out.

THE INTERNET

The internet spreads some sweet info, but a lot of garbage as well. I will elaborate on a later date. But I found this pic I thought was pretty tight.

Nintendo Wii

Crazy storm today, almost as crazy as the storm thats about to drop in Foxborough *zing*! So now we've gotten a whole big dump of snow, the city is going crazy. Mayor Mumbles' eyes are probably dripping blood after what happened earlier this week. Snow makes things happen. Like Hyde said, it brings peeps together, the social glue of the world, or... were it snows anyway. But it also has a negative side, like crack from the sky. So I'm gonna break down shit right now.

Pros:

- Camaraderie - Like mentioned earlier, snow brings people together. It forces people to interact. There is no where to go, so you kind of have to play board games, and promptly lose Monopoly to me.

- Excuses - Snow is the ultimate excuse for being late... or not going at all period. Seriously, I walk to the train, and then take the train, two things that aren't effected by snow. So realistically I shouldn't be any later then normal. However, I've definitely busted nuts on this excuse several times this year, and in high school.

- Battles - Good snow drives wedges between people. Not evil wedges, but wedges that require bases to be constructed and orbs of ice to be formed. Shit gets crazy. You have to be eternally aware of what's going on. At any time someone could snatch your grill and white wash your dumb ass. Good times.

Cons:

- Idiots - Snow makes people retarded. I realized this after what happened on Monday. How can people forget how snow fucks shit up? We live in New England, snow town USA. Shit happens here. Fucking Nor'Easters are named after this shit. Yet fools forget, and motherfuckers drive like fools.

- Transit - The T. Nuff said.

- Invisible Puddles - Beware. Next to sidewalks these beasts lurk. They look like pavement, but really they're a half frozen ice drink that is... A TRAP! I had to jump over a few earlier this week whilst dodging traffic (good thing I have a high agility score, reflex saves FTW!).

Bassheadz be blasting,
My body be fasting,
I need some food now,
Gotta gets me some chow
.

WARNING

I will be writing a short movie to star Damien Vasquez. It will be very legit. More to come.

CoooooooBRAAAAA!

Alright, so as I mentioned in the previous post I spotted a Baroness clone. I've seen her multiple times since. It's become obvious that either:

A) COBRA has begun to lease out their soldiers to Emerson College. Pretty soon I'll see Destro in the editing labs with his big dumb metal face.

or

B) COBRA is out to get me. Had this been ten years ago, I probably would have loved to have COBRA after me. Finally a time to prove myself to join the JOEs. However, I'm too busy for COBRA these days. Motherfuckers probably just want to use me for some elaborate scheme that won't work anyway.

Either way, I see Baroness clone everyday. Which makes me think about how ludicrous of a character she was to begin with. She was the only female in the COBRA ranks. What the fuck? Way to be equal opportunity there guys. I mean I know your evil terrorists and shit, but fuck, one girl? Damn. She must get plugged a tone. Or... wait! She's a lesbian. She's gotta be. Serpentor would be enough to turn any woman gay, plus Cobra Commander and his annoying ass voice? Imagine that motherfucker during sex (voiced by Chris Latta aka Starscream RIP)? Alright, blogosphere doesn't need to hear about that.


Figure 1.4 - Yeah, it was kind of like that, but less... Asian...