Movie Recap 2010

So, sometimes I go to the movies. Sometimes I see really good flicks, sometimes I see really bad ones. It's like eating a pizza. Sometimes I eat really good zas, and its the bomb, I can't stop talking about how awesome the pizza was. Like a good movie. Bad pizza, like bad movies, suck but at least I'm eating pizza, aka I enjoy watching movies... well most of the time. Anyway, I've comprised a list of movies all of the movies I saw in theaters this year. This list may or may not be complete, and considering Tron and True Grit have yet to come out there is at least two I haven't seen yet. Regardless he's the moving pictures I've seen this year, and a little blurb, or perhaps a big blurb, about them.

(Note: This isn't in any kind of order, at all, so back off man)

- Black Swan
If you had told me I would ever see a movie that revolves around the world of ballet I would've probably called you an idiot. If you said I would've seen that movie and really liked it, I would've called you a liar, and possibly pointed out that your pants were on fire. This one is still making its way out there, so I don't want to spoil anything. The trailers have no idea how to spin this one, but I can spin it for them. Go see this.

- Inception

This movie squeezed my mind grapes of every last ounce of sweet thinking juice they had. A movie about dreams that made me feel as though I was dreaming. If you haven't seen this one yet, you've fucked up, pain and simple. Dear Chris Nolan, when you and your bro are ready to pass on your magic writing dust, I'll be more than willing to take it off your hands.

- Enter the Void
There is probably a 97% chance you haven't seen this movie. An erratic and challenging piece about life and love, shook me all the way down to the black stuff in my guts. One of the few movies I've ever seen where I had to look away from the screen. Visceral is an understatement. After viewing, it was like a worm had been planted in my brain and for a good week or so I couldn't shake it. Not for everyone, probably not 'FOR' anyone.

- Toy Story 3

This was like Enter the Void on PCP. But seriously folks, if you didn't see this one or have no emotional response to your childhood memories getting tossed into an incinerator, then stop reading this blog because youre just a shit human being.

- The Town
This movie was a huge Boston bonah. Kid, this movie was wicked sick and shit. Again, but seriously, this movie was a pretty solid c+/b-. Having an attachment to Boston definitely boosted this one. Its no Gone Baby Gone, but it was still a fun ride. Blake Lively (who?) killed it.

- Due Date
More like meh date. Zach Galifinakis shot par for his usual humor course, and RDJr was slickity slick like Tony Stark, but overall this just didn't have the humorous punch of Old School or even The Hangover (other Tod Phillips ventures for all you non cinemaphiles out there.)

- Social Network
A movie about facebook without having to look at your pregnant friends or people making shitty decisions (or both?). Jesse Eisenberg hit a fucking home run as the facebook founder. Would've been a shoe-in for best actor is 127 Hours hadn't come out this year. Still a great flick, but why wouldn't it be with the writer director combo equivalent of World's Finest (google that if you don't know it, I'm too lazy to explain my nerd lingo).

- Scott Pilgrim vs The World

You didn't see this movie, and you have fucked up. Absolve your sins by buying the blu-ray. Seriously.

- The Expendables
I found it funny that the main characters all wore lots of leather, while being quite leathery themselves. Watch a pack of old catcher's mits blow shit up and shoot things for an hour and a half. It'll make you feel American again. Terry Crews has the best line of the movie.

- 127 Hours
No zombies, no bollywood, and no sunshine, this Danny Boyle flick is still a winner and a half. Jimmy Franco drops an atomic bomb of drama as the camera probes his pain stricken face for a good hour. I knew what was going to happen, didn't matter. Go and see this, even my Mom liked it.

- Iron Man 2
I don't remember anything about this movie other than the fact that the screening I went to had two special guests. Some no names calling themselves Robert Downey Jr. and Jon Favreau

- Kick Ass

Good fun. If anything a good way to get new, fresh, bodies into the local comic shop. Most kills by a 9 year old I've ever seen on film. Nick Cage is classy as a top hat.

- Shutter Island
This movie was very c+.

- Predators
This movie was SUPRISINGLY C+

- Alice in Wonderland (3D)
Headache city. I wanted to leave this movie. Made me feel like throwing up.

- Robin Hood

Seen Braveheart? Seen Gladiator? Know who Robin Hood is? There you go. You just saw Robin Hood.

- Hot Tub Time Machine
Some good laughs. 80s parody overload.

I think that's it. If you want to know more of my opinions on any movie, I could probably tell you in person. For real. On commission.

The Christmas Spirit of Vengeance

"Now I have a machine gun. Ho! Ho! Ho!"

Why didn't I think of this on Halloween?!

I bet when you read that you totally had a euro trash terrorist accent in your head. That, my friends is what we call a Christmas miracle. Much like the hit single 'Miracles' by the prolific Insane Clown Posse, Christmas Miracles are everywhere and scientists don't know shit about them. Seriously, magic is just stronger at Christmas. Like I mentioned, scientists are completely baffled by this (and magnets). However, I believe I have found the source of all this X-Mass mysticism, the one and only Santa Claus. I mean, for Christs sake (get it, Christ? Christmas? lololol) Santa is a goddamn wizard, actually more like a druid... pretty sure he's an elf and or a giant dwarf. Cross class druid/wizard elf/dwarf hrybrid? Would explain the unreal agility and resistance to cold. Don't believe me? Let's do a quick wizard comparison here.

Gandalf: Arguably the most legit Wizard, ever.
- White Beard: check
- Multiple Aliases: check ( Mithrandir, Greyhame, Stormcrow, Olórin, Incánus, Tharkûn)
- Has a way with animals (giant eagles, moths): check
- Owns a glorious steed: check (Shadowfax)

Totally badass.

- Hangs out with elves, but they are totally his bitch: check
- Has magic powers: check (killed Balrog, essentially saved Middle Earth)
- Knows how to party: check check check x10000

Fireworks and Pipeweed bitches, let's get bombed!

Santa: Arguably the most legit fat man
- White Beard: check (hell, even impostors sport the white beard)
- Multiple Aliases: check (Father Christmas, Papa Noel, Santa Clause, Chimney John)
- Has a way with animals: check (he can make them fucking fly)
- Owns a glorious steed: check (Rudolph)

"Call me when Shadowfax has his own Monopoly" -Love, Rudolph

- Hangs with elves, but they are totally his bitch: check (ho,ho,ho now I need 3000 silly bands by sundown)
- Has magic powers: check (time manipulation, the everseeing eye of agamotto, size manipulation, cheer generation)
- Knows how to party: check (Santa was the first man on Earth to put booze in his nog. truth)

Batman, you can shove your mumbles up your ass. We're all getting wasted with Santa.

I mean, I'm no wikileaks here people but the proof is in the Christmas pudding. Either Santa is a wizard, or he's a fictional character created to bring cheer to those unlucky enough to live where it get below the freezing point.

Middle Earth Tabloid Cover Story

Regardless, hohoho I have a machine gun. Go watch Die Hard, it's my favorite Christmas movie.