Time Bandits

I had a dream last night where I figured out that I was in the past because everyone was listening to Slipknot. When I woke up I thought to myself... "When did anyone listen to Slipknot?". Either way, I was pleased with my ability to determine I had time traveled, and wasn't lumbering around like an oaf saying things like "Ronald Reagan is president?" or "Why are my parents in high school? derp derp". That all segues nicely into this new instillation of 5 Things That Are Awesome and 1 That Sucks. This installments flavor: Time Travelers.


1) Marty McFly

(Figure 3.1: Worst (best?) Fake ID ever)

Duh. Obvious pick right? Well maybe not. At first young Marty is kind of an idiot. It literally takes him an entire day to realize he isn't in 1985 anymore. This is only AFTER his mom tries to bone him. Idiot. However, he redeems himself by (spoiler alert) not getting too mixed up in shit... which in turn makes his future both possible, and bucket loads better. All of this at the expense of the bad guy, Biff. Poor Biff. Is that even a real name? Was anyone ever named that besides bad guys? Marty refines his time travel skillz with trips to the future, and another to the Wild West. While on both journies he defeats the Biff of that time period... so really he just fucks with one guy, through time, forever. Man McFly is a jerk. A fucking cool jerk with a HOVERBOARD!

2) Booster Gold

(Figure 3.2: Booster Gold. Super Hero. Celebrity. Time Traveler. Douch)

You can't expect one of these lists without a comic book based entry... well minus the fruit one.... Anyway, Booster Gold! In his future (the 30th century I think?) he was a high school football star. Ladies wanted him and Gents wanted to be him, all that good stuff. Then he injures himself and/or gets caught doing some insider betting and is out of football forever. Bummer. So like anyone who peaks in high school athletics, Booster becomes a janitor. Luckily for him its this museum of all super hero crap. This is where they keep Batman's first Batmobile and... like... Steel's hammer and shit... I think. So anyway, Booster is all like "Man I wish I was cool, and fought crime and junk like all these heroes of the past. If only I had the keys to unlock all these glass cases.... oh... wait". So basically he steals a flight ring, a force field generator, some other junk, and a robot sidekick. He teams up with the Justice League, and is basically a big prick. Fighting crime for fame, adorning his super suit with sponsor's logos, flirting with the lady heroes, etc. One time he married an old woman, and admitted it was for the money. Now-a-days, Booster is a bit more on the up and up, and travels the 'time stream' with this dude Rip Hunter, basically making sure no Ultra-Humanites or Marty McFlys run around and fuck shit up... good for Booster.

3) Homer Simpson

(Figure 3.3: Homer w/time machine and two idiots)

During one installment of The Treehouse of Horror, Homer finds himself mixed up in little recreational time traveling. Many LoLs followed. Basically he tries to fix a toaster by jamming a fork into it. Being Homer, this doesn't kill him and instead makes the toaster into a time machine. While in the past, Homer remembers the only words of advice his father ever gave him "Homer if you ever find yourself in the past, don't touch anything". For once, Homer listens... kind of. Long story short, Homer fucks shit up and ends up going back and forth through time trying to fix it. He doesn't.... but whatever, Booster Gold will prob fix that shit.

4) George Taylor

(Figure 3.4: Yeah, this looks about right.)

Who? Maybe you're more familiar with Charlton Heston, champion of men, killer of apes? Yeah, thats what I thought. So Mr. Taylor is an astronaut/scientist/badass who ends up on this monkey planet. Long story short the monkey planet turns out to be EARTH, and Charlton Heston gets super pissed off. Especially when he find our that the monkeys blew up the Statue of Liberty. I haven't seen any of the sequels of the apes, but I would like to assume that they are all just Heston charging through the countryside blowing away monkey men with a musket screaming 'YOU DAMN DIRTY APES!'

5) The Terminator

(Figure 3.5: Or nose holes for that matter...)

One time it was sent back to kill Sarah Conner. Then two were sent back, to protect/kill John Conner. THEN two more were sent back AGAIN to protect/kill an older but equally as stupid John Conner.  Then one traveled to the real world and became a governor. winwinwinwin

The One That Sucks

Mr. Peabody and Sherman

(Figure 3.6: A gentleman and an idiot)

Now this should really just be Sherman, but Mr. Peabody gets dragged down by his sidekicks idiocy. Mr. Peabody is a super intelligent talking dog who, for some unknown reason, owns a time machine. For no other reason, other than maybe the fact that he possesses thumbs, Peabody drags along the dunce known as Sherman. This 'child' has the brain capacity of a groundhog, but somehow manages to not get killed by pirates, or bandits, or Christopher Columbus.... or really anything that could kill you during time travel. He has that blend of expendability and invincibility that makes him an ideal sidekick... if only he had something else to offer... like a quarter of a brain. For shame on you Mr. Peabody... bad dog.

(Blogger's Note: The Doctor was not included due to the fact that he travels through dimensions AS WELL AS time. Not the same thing. At all.)

Barrel Scraping

5 Things that are Awesome and 1 that Sucks Volume 2: D-List Batman Villains

So I bet you thought I would abandon this idea like I have so many other blogolicious ideas that I've schemed up in the past years. But alas, here is volume 2 of 5ttaaa1ts!
So to get more to the theme of this blog, and I guess more to the theme of my life, I've decided to make this entry extra nerdy. You've all heard of the Joker and Mr. Freeze, but Batman has a buttload of villains. Literally, Arkham Asylum exist because there are so many bat-shit (get it?) crazy mothers in Gotham who think they can take on the Bat. Now when Batman's usual, A-List rogues gallery contains a homicidal clown, a man who looks like a flightless bird, a pile of clay, and a burn victim, you can only imagine what his lesser known baddies are like. So, here is a look at some of the lamest (aka most bad-a) Bat Villains:

1) Ventriloquist

Like most supervillains/heroes, Arnold Wesker wasn't gonna try and pull any punches with his code name. He literally is a ventriloquist, you know, the guys with the dummies who pretty much died out with vaudeville? (minus the deplorable Jeff Dunham... blech). Anyhoo, so this dude, like many other Bat Baddies doesn't have any super powers other than being completely insane. Arnold Wesker, a human, takes his orders from a higher power aka Scarface his puppet. Now Scarface isn't some Howdy Doody rip off, he's arguable a pretty gnarly puppet... if puppets can be gnarly. He's like a 30s gangster complete wit tommygun, but without all the human parts. So this guy fights Batman with a puppet... that would be like me trying fight Tyson with only a pool noodle.

(Figure 2.1: Yeah, Batman fights a giant Alligator-man on the reg... a puppet aint shit)

2) Cluemaster

First off, this guy's name is dumb as shit. If I was going to get my ass pounded in by Bruce Wayne I might at least try and sound cool while doing it. How about a name like 'Mystery' and 'Brainmelter'? Cluemaster sounds like a goddamn villain from Archie. Dorky name aside, this guy is badass for one sole reason (two if you count the fact he was once a game show host), HE LEAVES CLUES FOR BATMAN! What the Hell? Does he realize that Batman is known as (beyond the Dark Knight and Bruce Wayne) as the world's greatest detective? He doesn't need clues! Batman could solve a crime faster than the CSI team using only his nose and a magnifying glass. Giving him clues is like letting Albert Pujols use a tee when batting. Hell, at least Riddler flexes his brain a little and gives Bats a tricky riddle to solve. Nope. Not Cluemaster. Also, his daughter was Batman's sidekick for a while. That really bites.

(Figure 2.2: Well at least he doesn't dress like a douche... oh... wait)

3) Captain Stingaree

None of you have heard of this guy. If you have, than may God have mercy on your sole. Or you're a huge Batman fan/giant nerd/Bryan Roy. But this guy is really lame. So lame he goes all the way around the cool/lame spectrum back to being cool. He's kind of like a pirate, but not a badass yar-har pirate, more of a Pirate of Penzance type pirate. He's quite foppish indeed. Now he's also pretty nutty because all he brings to the table is some halfway decent fencing skills. Seriously? Fencing? How gay can this guy get? Oh yeah, he actually is gay... with another dude who is literally the same character called the Cavalier. So hell yeah for LGBT comic characters! But Booo to lame pirates. Also, what the fuck is a stingaree and how does one become a captain of it?

(Figure 2.3: This is from when he teamed up with Captain Cold and Captain Boomerang... I'm 100% serious)

4) Killer Moth

Wolverines are scary. Spiders are scary. Bats are scary. Moths... are really lame. This dude is lame on all accounts. His name is lame. His motivation is lame (he read about Batman and wanted to be the anti Batman... really for no reason). Lastly his weapons are really lame. His primary form of offense comes from his Cocoon Gun. Seriously. As wikipedia puts it, a gun that "fires a stream of sticky threads". STICKY THREADS? Christ, at least Spider-Man has the decency to call his stuff 'webbing'. Killer Moth might as well call it his jizz-gun to avoid confusion. Needless to say, Batman beat this guys face in for decades. This eventually forced him to sell his soul to a demon (now I'm paraphrasing here) to become a literally, man sized, Killer Moth... fuck that's lame.

(Figure 2.4: Hey! There he is with fellow lame-o, and Captain Stingaree's lover, The Cavalier!)

5) Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee

Yeah. Just look at these poor bastards. Their only 'power' is that their fat allows them to bounce? WTF? When is the last time you saw a fat person bounce? Isn't that like the opposite of being fat? Jesus Christ these guys must be fucking twisted if they can fight Batman simply by being fat... well, my hats off to them! Huzzah, keep on bouncin' you crazy fat Lewis Carol characters!

(Figure 2.5: Batman's face is one of pure WTF)

THE ONE THAT SUCKS

1) Man-Bat

Maybe not a D-Lister, but certainly not an A. Man-Bat is super fucking lame do to sheer unoriginality. He literally saw Batman, and reversed his name. Look how clever I am! He also comes from the whole, 'scientist who fucks up and becomes all weird and angry' pool of villains that seem to litter super hero books. Seriously if you are a scientist in the Marvel or DC universe there is at least an 80% chance you will A) Be hideously scarred and start a career of crime or B) Gain some super fresh powers and battle the other scientists who have gone all cuckoo. Man-Bat, half man, half bat. He is no one's friend.

(Figure 2.5: Batman doing his best Man-Bat impression)

Well, that's all for this pile of words and pictures. Tell your friends about this shit, especially if they're in the job giving market.