Flux Vector

Avatar. Everyone has been talking about this bad boy for a while now. People seem to think this is the future of film making and that it is literally a piece of instantly classic cinema. Seriously, people are all wet about this thing and are going crazy for it. It was nominated for a fucking Golden Globe before it was even released! And if you don't like it, beware the mighty lynch mob of uber fans (just see how they attack Doug Benson via twitter after he said he didn't like it). So one must ask, does the man that hates all films enjoy the supposed most important film of our time? What follows is a brief summary and review of Avatar. I would say that there are spoilers, but if you don't know the story after watching the first ten minutes of the movie, then I would recommend you leave the theater and complete your grade school education. None the less... SPOILER ALERT!

Here's a brief timeline of my pre Avatar feelings. My first impressions: I thought it looked stupid, didn't like the character designs, and overall wasn't impressed. As more and more trailers, teasers, and co-branding shit came about, my enthusiasm about James Cameron's masterpiece only grew weaker. Then came the reviews. This thing was, supposedly, legit. I figured it was something I had to see, if only to see the nutty 3D Imax bullshit.

Here's a brief synopsis of Avatar. Okay so there are these marines, led by Ari Gold and Guile from Street Fighter. They want this metal called unobtanium. Seriously, its so rare they just named it sofuckinghardtogetonium. They also renamed kryptonite as antisupermanonium. So they want this rare metal (20 mil a kilo!) and there is a big fat lode of it on this crazy little planet called Pandora. Surely nothing can possibly go wrong on a named after a bitch that fucked mankind for eternity with her curiosity. So Guile and his merry band of space marines are just gonna go in and make a shit ton of money right? Alas my friend, there are tall, blue things in the way. Tall blue things with ARROWS!

For some reason, the evil space marines decide to try and use super science to solve the problem of the angry native. They use this super complex technology to transport the consciousness of human beings into their own personal blue things, hence Avatar. Their plan is to learn about them via assimilation and then bring them down from the inside or some garbage. This raises several questions:

1) With the ability to transport consciousness into different bodies and travel lightyears through space with cryfreeze, where did the marines put their weapons? With this kind of technology shouldn't the miitary have some insane shit? How could tall blue hippies with rocks possibly pose a threat to the army of the future? They really need to learn their secrets/become friends with them?

2) Is Sygorny Weaver the most unattractive creature on all planets? Seriously, she's fucking ghoulish, even as a blue tiger-man. Yes tiger-man, calling her a tiger-woman would be an insult to tiger-women everywhere.

So anyway the paralyzd marine guy, I'm sure you've all seen him in the trailers and he's so generic its not worth going into his character, gets to be one of these Avatars. After several loosley threaded together set-pieces, the marine guy (Jake) finds himself face to face with the hipster chick of the blu ray tribe. Seriously, this tiger-woman has gauged ears and feathers in her hair. Total hipster. She doesn't kill him because she wants to fuck his brains out. Seriously, I could practically smell those tiger-woman pheromones... perhaps it was really 4D? SO after the tree of life gets its seeds all up on Jake's business, Hipster is convinced that he's totally chill. Mom and Pop, the village shaman and leader respectively, aren't so keen on this Jake guy (surprise!). However, after a montage in which Jake learns how useless a bow and arrow are and he tames a flying lizard, the blue people think he's totally the shit... well maybe like 80% the shit. The town joke still thinks he's totally lame.

To go on a brief tangent, the amount of phallic symbolism in this movie is insane. Big guns/spears are rather standard but Avatar goes a step further. The pokemon of pandora are 'controlled' when the blue folks put their hair pubes (note, not pube hairs, literally the pubes of their hair) into their ear holes. Which is quite strange. I chuckled the first time Jake rode his dragon bird with its head looking like he was straddling a massive dong. I could probably write a paper about this is A) I cared or B) wanted to write a paper (see: never). As part of the climax, Jake trades his bird-dragon pokemon in for an EVEN BIGGER BIRD-DRAGON COCK!

I really kind of lost my train of thought there... At some point there is Jake on Hipster alien sex. Then the marines try to blow up a big tree, fail, and get beaten by the ewoks. Somehow I like the ewoks better then the blue guys. My entire life I've been told to root for the space marines, and even though I suppose they were the villains here, I was really hoping they would get that hardtoaccsessonium.

In brief: Avatar is a turd wrapped in a glittery, sparkly, expensive package that is so mind numbingly beautiful you really don't care that there is a turd inside. The dialogue is a fucking laugh riot, the story is stock and boring, and the characters are rather forgettable. Does it deserve critical praise? No. NONONO. Is it a fun, corny action romp? Yes. Bring the barf bags if you see this in Imax. Bring your mind altering substance of choice if you choose to see this anywhere.

Final Verdict: See it in theaters, because when this hits home video its really going to get neutered.