Movie Recap 2010

So, sometimes I go to the movies. Sometimes I see really good flicks, sometimes I see really bad ones. It's like eating a pizza. Sometimes I eat really good zas, and its the bomb, I can't stop talking about how awesome the pizza was. Like a good movie. Bad pizza, like bad movies, suck but at least I'm eating pizza, aka I enjoy watching movies... well most of the time. Anyway, I've comprised a list of movies all of the movies I saw in theaters this year. This list may or may not be complete, and considering Tron and True Grit have yet to come out there is at least two I haven't seen yet. Regardless he's the moving pictures I've seen this year, and a little blurb, or perhaps a big blurb, about them.

(Note: This isn't in any kind of order, at all, so back off man)

- Black Swan
If you had told me I would ever see a movie that revolves around the world of ballet I would've probably called you an idiot. If you said I would've seen that movie and really liked it, I would've called you a liar, and possibly pointed out that your pants were on fire. This one is still making its way out there, so I don't want to spoil anything. The trailers have no idea how to spin this one, but I can spin it for them. Go see this.

- Inception

This movie squeezed my mind grapes of every last ounce of sweet thinking juice they had. A movie about dreams that made me feel as though I was dreaming. If you haven't seen this one yet, you've fucked up, pain and simple. Dear Chris Nolan, when you and your bro are ready to pass on your magic writing dust, I'll be more than willing to take it off your hands.

- Enter the Void
There is probably a 97% chance you haven't seen this movie. An erratic and challenging piece about life and love, shook me all the way down to the black stuff in my guts. One of the few movies I've ever seen where I had to look away from the screen. Visceral is an understatement. After viewing, it was like a worm had been planted in my brain and for a good week or so I couldn't shake it. Not for everyone, probably not 'FOR' anyone.

- Toy Story 3

This was like Enter the Void on PCP. But seriously folks, if you didn't see this one or have no emotional response to your childhood memories getting tossed into an incinerator, then stop reading this blog because youre just a shit human being.

- The Town
This movie was a huge Boston bonah. Kid, this movie was wicked sick and shit. Again, but seriously, this movie was a pretty solid c+/b-. Having an attachment to Boston definitely boosted this one. Its no Gone Baby Gone, but it was still a fun ride. Blake Lively (who?) killed it.

- Due Date
More like meh date. Zach Galifinakis shot par for his usual humor course, and RDJr was slickity slick like Tony Stark, but overall this just didn't have the humorous punch of Old School or even The Hangover (other Tod Phillips ventures for all you non cinemaphiles out there.)

- Social Network
A movie about facebook without having to look at your pregnant friends or people making shitty decisions (or both?). Jesse Eisenberg hit a fucking home run as the facebook founder. Would've been a shoe-in for best actor is 127 Hours hadn't come out this year. Still a great flick, but why wouldn't it be with the writer director combo equivalent of World's Finest (google that if you don't know it, I'm too lazy to explain my nerd lingo).

- Scott Pilgrim vs The World

You didn't see this movie, and you have fucked up. Absolve your sins by buying the blu-ray. Seriously.

- The Expendables
I found it funny that the main characters all wore lots of leather, while being quite leathery themselves. Watch a pack of old catcher's mits blow shit up and shoot things for an hour and a half. It'll make you feel American again. Terry Crews has the best line of the movie.

- 127 Hours
No zombies, no bollywood, and no sunshine, this Danny Boyle flick is still a winner and a half. Jimmy Franco drops an atomic bomb of drama as the camera probes his pain stricken face for a good hour. I knew what was going to happen, didn't matter. Go and see this, even my Mom liked it.

- Iron Man 2
I don't remember anything about this movie other than the fact that the screening I went to had two special guests. Some no names calling themselves Robert Downey Jr. and Jon Favreau

- Kick Ass

Good fun. If anything a good way to get new, fresh, bodies into the local comic shop. Most kills by a 9 year old I've ever seen on film. Nick Cage is classy as a top hat.

- Shutter Island
This movie was very c+.

- Predators
This movie was SUPRISINGLY C+

- Alice in Wonderland (3D)
Headache city. I wanted to leave this movie. Made me feel like throwing up.

- Robin Hood

Seen Braveheart? Seen Gladiator? Know who Robin Hood is? There you go. You just saw Robin Hood.

- Hot Tub Time Machine
Some good laughs. 80s parody overload.

I think that's it. If you want to know more of my opinions on any movie, I could probably tell you in person. For real. On commission.

The Christmas Spirit of Vengeance

"Now I have a machine gun. Ho! Ho! Ho!"

Why didn't I think of this on Halloween?!

I bet when you read that you totally had a euro trash terrorist accent in your head. That, my friends is what we call a Christmas miracle. Much like the hit single 'Miracles' by the prolific Insane Clown Posse, Christmas Miracles are everywhere and scientists don't know shit about them. Seriously, magic is just stronger at Christmas. Like I mentioned, scientists are completely baffled by this (and magnets). However, I believe I have found the source of all this X-Mass mysticism, the one and only Santa Claus. I mean, for Christs sake (get it, Christ? Christmas? lololol) Santa is a goddamn wizard, actually more like a druid... pretty sure he's an elf and or a giant dwarf. Cross class druid/wizard elf/dwarf hrybrid? Would explain the unreal agility and resistance to cold. Don't believe me? Let's do a quick wizard comparison here.

Gandalf: Arguably the most legit Wizard, ever.
- White Beard: check
- Multiple Aliases: check ( Mithrandir, Greyhame, Stormcrow, Olórin, Incánus, Tharkûn)
- Has a way with animals (giant eagles, moths): check
- Owns a glorious steed: check (Shadowfax)

Totally badass.

- Hangs out with elves, but they are totally his bitch: check
- Has magic powers: check (killed Balrog, essentially saved Middle Earth)
- Knows how to party: check check check x10000

Fireworks and Pipeweed bitches, let's get bombed!

Santa: Arguably the most legit fat man
- White Beard: check (hell, even impostors sport the white beard)
- Multiple Aliases: check (Father Christmas, Papa Noel, Santa Clause, Chimney John)
- Has a way with animals: check (he can make them fucking fly)
- Owns a glorious steed: check (Rudolph)

"Call me when Shadowfax has his own Monopoly" -Love, Rudolph

- Hangs with elves, but they are totally his bitch: check (ho,ho,ho now I need 3000 silly bands by sundown)
- Has magic powers: check (time manipulation, the everseeing eye of agamotto, size manipulation, cheer generation)
- Knows how to party: check (Santa was the first man on Earth to put booze in his nog. truth)

Batman, you can shove your mumbles up your ass. We're all getting wasted with Santa.

I mean, I'm no wikileaks here people but the proof is in the Christmas pudding. Either Santa is a wizard, or he's a fictional character created to bring cheer to those unlucky enough to live where it get below the freezing point.

Middle Earth Tabloid Cover Story

Regardless, hohoho I have a machine gun. Go watch Die Hard, it's my favorite Christmas movie.

Halloweenies

It's October 18th, do you know what you're going to be for Halloween? If you said ''no, because I'm too old for that shit'', then fuck you stop reading my blog you un-fun turd. If you said ''yes'' then good for you, you over prepared turd. If you said ''Oh shit, it's October?" then read on my faithful friend because I've got the cure for what ails ya!

So the knowledge I'm going to drop in this blog is all about the magic of costume making. Ever since I was a young lad, I'd always make my own costumes. Whether this meant getting things from Good Will or having Ma stitch something together, my costumes were rarely, if ever store bought. Don't be lazy and unoriginal so get on the DIY train and do that shit yourself. Here some tip-a-roos:

1) Don't go for store bought costumes: Why? Well first off, they suck. They look cheap, are made of cheap material, and often smell like old rubber. Whenever I see someone with one of those cheesy store bought costumes, a part of my soul dies. The old argument is that it's cheaper. Really? Paying 40+ dollars for a pile of shit is cheaper than putting together an original piece with things form Good Will? Doubt it. Seriously, if I had a nickle for every shitty store bought Mad Hatter costume Im going to see this year, I'd have like... 3 dollars. But seriously.

FUCK YOU

2) You're more creative than you think.  Use your head a little. Good costumes just don't happen over night. Think about what you like, what suits you, or what makes you laugh. Now look around the house, in your closest, garage, torture dungeon, and put start putting things together. You'll be surprised at what interesting treasures you'll find. Imagination is key. Turn trash and junk into something fun... fuck did I just type that?

Before

After

3) Keep it simple, dummy. Obviously not everyone has the know-how, or cash, for a perfect Iron Man armor replica costume. Stick to what your know. Maybe you aren't comfortable using power tools, alright use a glue gun. Maybe the sewing kit isn't for you, use tape or velcro. If the costume is simple, you can hit a grand slam with minimal effort. Example: John McClain from Die Hard. Easy costume that with minimal effort can look great!

Yippi-Ki-Yay

So don't be a Halloweenie this year and get yourself a great custom costume!

Oil Change

Had to get an oil change today. Most likely overdue.... but, whatever I like ridin' dirty. Anyway, without wheels, without anything to do, and feeling a bit like a zombie, I journeyed to the mall. Let's just start this off with a general theme: The Burbank Town Center has some really weird stores. I went into this one store that was just random Japanese shit. Like Gundam models and little plastic sushi. It was a decent place to waste time. Basically just looking at every little stupid toy in a box. Then, two floors below there is like this... Asian interior design thing store. They have fountains, and bamboo things. Two sketchy dudes were checking out the large variety of swords. Many replicas of anime swords. All I could think was, "Who buys this shit?... well besides the sketchy guys buying Final Fantasy VII replicas."

I bought some incense. It was apple scented. The sales woman said, "Oh, apple. Very fresh." To which I replied, "Yeah, fresh". It was a good time.

I the fled the mall and stumbled my way down San Fernando. I came across this book store, which ironically is called ''something'' movie, or something like that. In reality they had like 200 VHS tapes and approximately 500,000 books, give or take 1,000,000,000 books. This place was like something out of a Harry Potter movie. I expected to see some floating books or some shit. The book keeper was a stout little troll, sifting through a massive stack of sci-fi and mystery paper backs. He grunted something at me and I scurried into the nearby aisle. This place would give Storm a heart attack. I mean serious claustrophobia. Bookifobia is more like it. The stacks were well over my head and arranged in narrow rows. I found a book of Leonard Nemoy's poetry, but couldn't justify coughing up 20 bones haha. The growing smell of musty old books eventually repelled me from the tomes.

With no call from the oil monger, I decided to grab an ice cream from Foster's Freeze. This place is like a bizarro world Dairy Queen. Like something that would be a hang out for a TV show. Is this place just a West Coast thing? Anyway I order the 'Cherry and Brownie Twister aka blizzard'. Looking back it's quite a girly flavor. It also kind of sounds like a Tyler Perry movie. Tyler Perry presents: "Brownie and Cherry"... kind of forgot the punch line for that one... use your imagination.

So I crush that, but it ended up being too much. Gives me more respect for that man vs food guy. He must go through some serious shit... and some serious SHITS *Heyyooooo*. I chucked a good quarter of it and strolled back to the mechanic. Car wasn't ready yet, but whatever. The office/waiting room had a tv playing Inside Edition. This is some serious Paul Verhoeven shit. Stories about people falling off cliffs next to stories about some hooker claiming her son is a Tiger Woods love baby. Then every commercial has some crazy jingle, or stupid dance. Powerful stuff.

Whatever got the oil changed. Mission accomplished.

BEAT DRUMS! BEAT DRUMS!

Muppet (n): 1) A puppet thing. Normally some sort of anthropomorphic animal, typically bearing large googly eyes, poofy hair, and/or large floppy mouths 2) A person with physical qualities that closely resemble a muppet, typically brought on by old age.

Seeing a human muppet is not that uncommon. As the definition states it is typically brought on by old age, and old muppets are everywhere. On the bus, crossing the street, trying to buy things, staring at electronics with googly-eyed bewilderment. Literally, old human muppets are everywhere. However, it is quite rare to catch a human muppet at earlier stages in its life. What I'm about to present to you all, is some rare footage of one of the youngest human muppets discovered in the wild. Without further ado, I present to you the Crazy Dummer, of the Animal family of human muppets:

Exhibit A (totally safe for work)

Exhibit B (also totally safe for work)

NOTE: How lame are his bandmates? The Allnighters? More like the All-lamos. Do they even know what's going on behind them?

Totally Badass

Been a while, but fuck that not like ya'll care anyway. Hopefully you've been able to mine your humor nuggets elsewhere on the interwebs in my leave. Alas I have returned to provide you with some well placed wit and mirth to make you daily LOL quotient that much higher. Or maybe you'll think it's totally shit, entirely up to you. So without further ado, I present a new edition of 5 Awesome Things and 1 That Sucks (or whatever I'm calling this thing). Today's topic: Badass Villains.

1) Hans Gruber

 (Figure 4.1: Yes we can... defeat John McClain and run off with a zillion dollars in bonds!)

Hans is a bad ass villain for a mountain of reasons. He gets a race bonus of +15 to villainy for being German. His accent just sounds better saying things like 'Kill HIM!' moreso than it does 'Let me bag that for you'. Needless to say, he was born to be badass. An underestimated trait of Gruber's is that he understands the value (or non-value) of the henchman. Henchmen are something you need, but dont' necessarily want to pay, much like a production assistant. Along the way you're most likely going to lose a handfull or two to the hero, so don't blow all your cash arming these idiots to the teeth, because John McClain, or Rambo, or whoever hero is in your grill is going to end up with those weapons anyway. Instead Hans, chooses his team wisely, filling out his ranks with a bucket of schmucks with a badass super-hench to back them up. Then, as they get picked off, Hans doesn't sweat it, because that means more money for him and his Urkel rip-off hacker dude. "Now I have a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho." Indeed!



2) Xenia Onatop

(Figure 4.2: Mr. Bond, it appears as though you're in a bit of a bind. MUAHAHAHA!)

James Bond has come across a lot of hilariously jokey names in his time (Pussy Galore, Honey Rider, Plenty O'Toole, and Strawberry Fields come to mind). You would think after a while the world's greatest spy would just start rolling his eyes whenever someone went to introduce themselves. He'd be all like 'Let me guess sexy lady, you're name is... Ivanna Fuke?'. Anyway, Xenia Onatop is one of my fave Bond villains, and not only for her incredibly jokeful name. What separates her from the rest of the Bond Baddie pack is her ... erm... talents. Ms. Onatop (tee hee) gets off on hurting other people, more specifically squeezing people to death with her fine-ass legs. Both hot and terrifying, much like the Double Down. Most villains like killing, Xenia likes LIKES killing, more than a friend if you catch my drift. Ironically JB kills her by crushing her, more or less, with a helicopter. Gotta give it to Bond, he knows how to handle women... amiright?!


3) Boba Fett

(Figure 4.3: Boba Fett: Hunter of Men, Slayer of Women)

Boba is hands down the baddest assed clone to ever exist... well besides maybe that time when Lex Luthor cloned himself. Anyway, imagine if you cloned yourself. You'd literally know everything about you, and could therefore counter all of your weaknesses by teaching yourself how not to suck. Now imagine if you're the illest soldier in the galaxy and the government has just offered you a shitload of credits for an army worth of your clones. As payment I'd totally ask for a test model... I mean why not? Taking care of a clone of yourself would be easier than caring for a cat. So anyway, Boba Fett is Jano Fett but basically with a lifetime of experience. Plus he totally fell in the Sarlac Pit and didn't die. Baller.



4) Lex Luthor

(Figure 4.4: Because of Superman, someone is gonna be down 40 cakes...)

Like all these articles, you can't escape without a comic book reference. So here is arguably my favorite comic book villain, Lex Luthor. For starters, he hates Superman as much as I do. Honestly, Superman is a dork, and a douche... and a fucking asshole. If it wasn't for Superman, Earth wouldn't constantly be hosting these insane battles against Supes and whatever alien wants to battle his dumb ass. Luthor, a mere mortal, is all like 'fuck that, I don't like aliens playin' all up on my Earth'. So without any powers, minus a big 'ol bald brain, Luthor goes about building an empire to crush Superman. So basically its a nerd versus one of the strongest beings  in the universe. Think of it this way: if Superman wasn't on Earth, Luthor would be the world's greatest hero. He seriously hates Superman that much, and that's badass.


5) Bowser

(Figure 4.5: Fuck you Mario. PS DO NOT google image search for Bowser and Peach... trust me)

A key ingredient for all villainy is persistence. Never, EVER, are you going to defeat the hero on the first go-round. Shit like that just doesn't happen. And if for some reason it does? Mother fuckers have extra lives coming out of their pockets like they grow on trees. Sometimes the villain just can't catch a god damn break, yet they keep coming back. Therefore, persistence translates well into badassness, and good ol Bowser has boatloads. All poor Bowser has wanted for damn near 20 years is a little princess pussy. He doesn't want to rule the world, or have infinite riches, or irradiate the world's gold supply. No. He just wants Princess Toadstool. If you ask me that's pretty damn romantic. Then this fucking plunger wielding guido somehow shows up, stomps through his minions, and runs off with aforementioned female royalty. So weak. Despite Mario ruining his life perpetually for two decades, Bowser has no problem showing up for the mustachioed maniac's go-kart races, golf tournaments, or block parties. Bowser is a real stand up guy, someone...er something, I wouldn't mind grabbing a beer with. Mario needs to lighten up and face the fact that Princess is a whore, and maybe she wants to be capture every now and then. Didn't think about that one eh Mario?



1) Biff Tannen

(Figure 4.6: Seriously Biff... you're name is a sound effect)

Normally a villain is given one chance to win. Sure they may best the hero here and there, but overall their ass is going to get kicked and they're going to end up face first in a pile of horseshit. Seriously. The reason Biff (and his past and future selves) is the one that sucks is because he literally has infinite chances to Best the McFly clan. YOU HAVE A FUCKING TIME MACHINE IDIOT! Or at least he did once in the second one. Yet what does Biff do when he has access to the famed DeLorean? He sends his past self a sports almanac... fuck. that. You can literally go anywhere in time, do anything you want, yet you choose to let your past self know the Cleveland Brown's record for the next 50 years. A Butthead indeed.

Derp