iLove

Rant Mode: ENGAGE!

So I was eating break-fast this morning flipping through the tube (PiR had just wrapped up), and I stumbled across VH1. Perhaps you have heard of this channel. If you haven't, it is a television station that was once a music channel. I like to think VH1 started as a Mom version of MTV, you know, what a mom would think music television was.

Well, now, like it's sperm donor MTV, VH1 has ceased its musical programming. Big deal right? I can catch music videos on the youtube(s) these days. Get myself some mp3s and mpegs, don't need no stinking music on my TV. So what fills the void? Assholes, telling me things.

Now this started out as a grand idea, I love the 80s. If there was any generation that is super easy to make fun of (besides maybe the 1900-1910 with all their fancy pants and big wheel bicycles) its the 1980's. Reagen? He-Man? Jaws 3D? Hilarious! Throw in some F-List celebrities and comedians to talk about this shit and you've got programming gold.

So, I'll admit, I'm a fan of I love the 80's. Great concept. I could even buy the spinoffs of 70's, and Best Week Ever (all the other 'I Loves' can eat a shoe). However, VH1 has officially jumped the shark with a god damn rocket bike. Today, I kid you not, I watched I love the new millennium.... the year 2007....

What the Fuck? Seriously? I need a show to tell me what happened literally not even a half a year ago? "That's it, I'm done with this shit" was a direct quote after I saw Jared (fat subway asshole who looks like he's had too many five dollar foot shlongs) talking about the Geico Cavemen. I nearly barfed up my Go Lean Crunch. Honestly, if I wanted to hear about shit that is currently happening I would TALK TO ANOTHER HUMAN. I don't need Cat Von DEEEEE telling me how much she liked 300, or some asshole from Survivor telling me who the 'Liars' from 2005 were. I can tell you who lied in 2005, ME! Because I can remember that far back unlike half of America.

Seriously people, let's take a step back from the glowing box for a moment. We can all talk about current events AND make them funny, without Ant (Z-List "comedian" from NH who seems to get gayer and gayer all the time so he can use his sexuality as a humor crutch) telling us so. VH1, consider yourself(selves?) ranted!

17

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Worldwide Event

So last night during the Celtics game I decided to take some notes. This was of course until the second half, when I was pacing like a maniac through my living room, trying not to wake up my mom with swearing and throwing things. So here are some unfiltered game notes, the stuff in parenthetical was added today.:


-KP 43! I would nickname him cucumber, so coooooool.

-Ray "Harvey Dent" Allen, it's a flip of the coin as to who is going to show up. Looks like we got the DA tonight. (nerdy Batman reference, new movie makes it a little easier to understand)

-Look at my boy Bill! Canoodling with an unknown MILF and letting his son take the front row, what a guy. HAHA, 4th quarter he switches with his son, take that!

-Budlight Party Cruise? Sign me up!

-Basketball officials...... weakest, i.e. most human, part of the game.

-Scal showed up in warm-ups tonight! GO GREEN!

-Von Gundy, one day you and I will coach the Celtics together. It's like you can read my mind.

-PJ, armpit touch? Flagrant? no. Flamboyant? yes. You also got boned on a monster block that was called a foul, I still love you, I see you pouting on the bench...

-Where's my boy Powe? House needs more time. Cassel shouldn't play basketball anymore... you look like a child out there.

-Rondo, so you can play PG.... TAKE THE SHOT!

-Under 3 on the shot clock? Where's KG? TAKE THE SHOT!

That's it. Like I said had I taken notes through the fourth quarter there would have been much more profanity, and much less cohesiveness. The Celtics are the most stressful team to watch with a lead. Doc, get on that. Here's to my prediction of the series not going to 7 games...


TOMMY POINT!

Video Tour

I thought I would move in on Matt's territory by posting about a dream I had last night. I wouldn't normally do this but this is an exception. I literally awoke from the following dream and said, "Fuck, that dream was awesome!". So, without further ado, I bring you Roy's Dream.

Last night I went to bed after a long Celtics game. To be honest I shut it off with three or so minutes left in the fourth. I apparently didn't miss anything as the Celtics finished with the same score. Anyway, so in this dream I found myself riding the Celtics bench. You know, rubbing elbows with Scott Pollard and Scal. So Scal and I are sitting there watching the game, talking about the new NBA video game that's going to come out. We decided that we would probably be no named characters, or wouldn't be in the game at all. Doc overheard our convo and said I would definitely be in it (according to him I was the hot rookie sensation, this year's Rondo, apparently I get signed by the Celts in 2009), Scal would too (fan fave or some shit), Pollard... not so much (we had a laugh at this, because he sucks).

While this was happening, Perk threw down a massive dunk, sending the bench into a frenzy. Scal and I started a "Green, Green, Green," chant that overtook the entire arena or whatever place we were at. I continue to get the crowd fired up, leading to a strong C's quarter, crushing our unnamed opponents. Quarter ends, Rondo comes out, star point guard Roy goes in. Blam! Steal, three, steal, dunk. I was on fire, apparently the game of my life.

Afterwards, Perk asked me to smoke a blunt with him, and Rondo. Obviously he was impressed by my killer performance and, according to him, all the other dudes on the team were too old (there was an eerie lack of the big 3 in my dream, only a brief cameo by Pierce, who I dished a pass to before he mysteriously vanished), and he and Rondo were psyched to chill with someone their age. I never made it to Perk's party, as this is where I was awakened. Bummer.

Too Soon?

Return of the Rant

So I realized that I haven't honored this blogs namesake in a while. Maybe it's because I haven't been heated in a while, ya'know nothing has gotten under my skin...... enter game 2 of the eastern conference finals.

I think I could some this game up with one word: Garbage. Since I'm so fucking flustered right now, I'm going to just kick out (basketball joke?) some footnotes.

- Tony Allen. This is why Doc is the worst coach in the NBA. You bench Tony Allen for 95% of the playoffs, as well as the last few games of the regular season, only to play him now? I was almost expecting to see Scal out there in his fly suit taking threes. Alright, so they were up, and they need his D. Again, I'm not buying it. One of Doc's hunches I'm sure. Then he stays in as the C's go down by 9. Where's Powe? Where's House? Surely they should be getting some time before Tony Allen? Tony Allen!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Officials: Can you please stop calling the Celtics games like bizarro world Tommy's? Honestly, I consider myself a pretty big homer, but there were some calls in this game. My god... Ray Allen getting absolutely hacked in the last three or so minutes comes to mind. Meanwhile Perk can't make a play without getting a call, but that's because he's Perk and he sux. TOMMY POINT!

- Rondo. Get your head out of your ass kid. Take some shots, you don't need to pass it every time you touch the ball. Plus the blocking the face call? Christ that's something I would have done.

I know I had more to bitch about but in all honesty I need to beat one out, relieve some tension. TOMMY POINT!

Face an Interview

Back at the homestead
watching high definition
thinking about life



Starbucks finally crossed the line today. They've been keeping out of my sphere(s), but now they're really dicking with my shit. They put in a drive-thru, blocked off my sneak route. Fuck that...

Battle

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