Halloweenies

It's October 18th, do you know what you're going to be for Halloween? If you said ''no, because I'm too old for that shit'', then fuck you stop reading my blog you un-fun turd. If you said ''yes'' then good for you, you over prepared turd. If you said ''Oh shit, it's October?" then read on my faithful friend because I've got the cure for what ails ya!

So the knowledge I'm going to drop in this blog is all about the magic of costume making. Ever since I was a young lad, I'd always make my own costumes. Whether this meant getting things from Good Will or having Ma stitch something together, my costumes were rarely, if ever store bought. Don't be lazy and unoriginal so get on the DIY train and do that shit yourself. Here some tip-a-roos:

1) Don't go for store bought costumes: Why? Well first off, they suck. They look cheap, are made of cheap material, and often smell like old rubber. Whenever I see someone with one of those cheesy store bought costumes, a part of my soul dies. The old argument is that it's cheaper. Really? Paying 40+ dollars for a pile of shit is cheaper than putting together an original piece with things form Good Will? Doubt it. Seriously, if I had a nickle for every shitty store bought Mad Hatter costume Im going to see this year, I'd have like... 3 dollars. But seriously.

FUCK YOU

2) You're more creative than you think.  Use your head a little. Good costumes just don't happen over night. Think about what you like, what suits you, or what makes you laugh. Now look around the house, in your closest, garage, torture dungeon, and put start putting things together. You'll be surprised at what interesting treasures you'll find. Imagination is key. Turn trash and junk into something fun... fuck did I just type that?

Before

After

3) Keep it simple, dummy. Obviously not everyone has the know-how, or cash, for a perfect Iron Man armor replica costume. Stick to what your know. Maybe you aren't comfortable using power tools, alright use a glue gun. Maybe the sewing kit isn't for you, use tape or velcro. If the costume is simple, you can hit a grand slam with minimal effort. Example: John McClain from Die Hard. Easy costume that with minimal effort can look great!

Yippi-Ki-Yay

So don't be a Halloweenie this year and get yourself a great custom costume!

Oil Change

Had to get an oil change today. Most likely overdue.... but, whatever I like ridin' dirty. Anyway, without wheels, without anything to do, and feeling a bit like a zombie, I journeyed to the mall. Let's just start this off with a general theme: The Burbank Town Center has some really weird stores. I went into this one store that was just random Japanese shit. Like Gundam models and little plastic sushi. It was a decent place to waste time. Basically just looking at every little stupid toy in a box. Then, two floors below there is like this... Asian interior design thing store. They have fountains, and bamboo things. Two sketchy dudes were checking out the large variety of swords. Many replicas of anime swords. All I could think was, "Who buys this shit?... well besides the sketchy guys buying Final Fantasy VII replicas."

I bought some incense. It was apple scented. The sales woman said, "Oh, apple. Very fresh." To which I replied, "Yeah, fresh". It was a good time.

I the fled the mall and stumbled my way down San Fernando. I came across this book store, which ironically is called ''something'' movie, or something like that. In reality they had like 200 VHS tapes and approximately 500,000 books, give or take 1,000,000,000 books. This place was like something out of a Harry Potter movie. I expected to see some floating books or some shit. The book keeper was a stout little troll, sifting through a massive stack of sci-fi and mystery paper backs. He grunted something at me and I scurried into the nearby aisle. This place would give Storm a heart attack. I mean serious claustrophobia. Bookifobia is more like it. The stacks were well over my head and arranged in narrow rows. I found a book of Leonard Nemoy's poetry, but couldn't justify coughing up 20 bones haha. The growing smell of musty old books eventually repelled me from the tomes.

With no call from the oil monger, I decided to grab an ice cream from Foster's Freeze. This place is like a bizarro world Dairy Queen. Like something that would be a hang out for a TV show. Is this place just a West Coast thing? Anyway I order the 'Cherry and Brownie Twister aka blizzard'. Looking back it's quite a girly flavor. It also kind of sounds like a Tyler Perry movie. Tyler Perry presents: "Brownie and Cherry"... kind of forgot the punch line for that one... use your imagination.

So I crush that, but it ended up being too much. Gives me more respect for that man vs food guy. He must go through some serious shit... and some serious SHITS *Heyyooooo*. I chucked a good quarter of it and strolled back to the mechanic. Car wasn't ready yet, but whatever. The office/waiting room had a tv playing Inside Edition. This is some serious Paul Verhoeven shit. Stories about people falling off cliffs next to stories about some hooker claiming her son is a Tiger Woods love baby. Then every commercial has some crazy jingle, or stupid dance. Powerful stuff.

Whatever got the oil changed. Mission accomplished.

BEAT DRUMS! BEAT DRUMS!

Muppet (n): 1) A puppet thing. Normally some sort of anthropomorphic animal, typically bearing large googly eyes, poofy hair, and/or large floppy mouths 2) A person with physical qualities that closely resemble a muppet, typically brought on by old age.

Seeing a human muppet is not that uncommon. As the definition states it is typically brought on by old age, and old muppets are everywhere. On the bus, crossing the street, trying to buy things, staring at electronics with googly-eyed bewilderment. Literally, old human muppets are everywhere. However, it is quite rare to catch a human muppet at earlier stages in its life. What I'm about to present to you all, is some rare footage of one of the youngest human muppets discovered in the wild. Without further ado, I present to you the Crazy Dummer, of the Animal family of human muppets:

Exhibit A (totally safe for work)

Exhibit B (also totally safe for work)

NOTE: How lame are his bandmates? The Allnighters? More like the All-lamos. Do they even know what's going on behind them?

Totally Badass

Been a while, but fuck that not like ya'll care anyway. Hopefully you've been able to mine your humor nuggets elsewhere on the interwebs in my leave. Alas I have returned to provide you with some well placed wit and mirth to make you daily LOL quotient that much higher. Or maybe you'll think it's totally shit, entirely up to you. So without further ado, I present a new edition of 5 Awesome Things and 1 That Sucks (or whatever I'm calling this thing). Today's topic: Badass Villains.

1) Hans Gruber

 (Figure 4.1: Yes we can... defeat John McClain and run off with a zillion dollars in bonds!)

Hans is a bad ass villain for a mountain of reasons. He gets a race bonus of +15 to villainy for being German. His accent just sounds better saying things like 'Kill HIM!' moreso than it does 'Let me bag that for you'. Needless to say, he was born to be badass. An underestimated trait of Gruber's is that he understands the value (or non-value) of the henchman. Henchmen are something you need, but dont' necessarily want to pay, much like a production assistant. Along the way you're most likely going to lose a handfull or two to the hero, so don't blow all your cash arming these idiots to the teeth, because John McClain, or Rambo, or whoever hero is in your grill is going to end up with those weapons anyway. Instead Hans, chooses his team wisely, filling out his ranks with a bucket of schmucks with a badass super-hench to back them up. Then, as they get picked off, Hans doesn't sweat it, because that means more money for him and his Urkel rip-off hacker dude. "Now I have a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho." Indeed!



2) Xenia Onatop

(Figure 4.2: Mr. Bond, it appears as though you're in a bit of a bind. MUAHAHAHA!)

James Bond has come across a lot of hilariously jokey names in his time (Pussy Galore, Honey Rider, Plenty O'Toole, and Strawberry Fields come to mind). You would think after a while the world's greatest spy would just start rolling his eyes whenever someone went to introduce themselves. He'd be all like 'Let me guess sexy lady, you're name is... Ivanna Fuke?'. Anyway, Xenia Onatop is one of my fave Bond villains, and not only for her incredibly jokeful name. What separates her from the rest of the Bond Baddie pack is her ... erm... talents. Ms. Onatop (tee hee) gets off on hurting other people, more specifically squeezing people to death with her fine-ass legs. Both hot and terrifying, much like the Double Down. Most villains like killing, Xenia likes LIKES killing, more than a friend if you catch my drift. Ironically JB kills her by crushing her, more or less, with a helicopter. Gotta give it to Bond, he knows how to handle women... amiright?!


3) Boba Fett

(Figure 4.3: Boba Fett: Hunter of Men, Slayer of Women)

Boba is hands down the baddest assed clone to ever exist... well besides maybe that time when Lex Luthor cloned himself. Anyway, imagine if you cloned yourself. You'd literally know everything about you, and could therefore counter all of your weaknesses by teaching yourself how not to suck. Now imagine if you're the illest soldier in the galaxy and the government has just offered you a shitload of credits for an army worth of your clones. As payment I'd totally ask for a test model... I mean why not? Taking care of a clone of yourself would be easier than caring for a cat. So anyway, Boba Fett is Jano Fett but basically with a lifetime of experience. Plus he totally fell in the Sarlac Pit and didn't die. Baller.



4) Lex Luthor

(Figure 4.4: Because of Superman, someone is gonna be down 40 cakes...)

Like all these articles, you can't escape without a comic book reference. So here is arguably my favorite comic book villain, Lex Luthor. For starters, he hates Superman as much as I do. Honestly, Superman is a dork, and a douche... and a fucking asshole. If it wasn't for Superman, Earth wouldn't constantly be hosting these insane battles against Supes and whatever alien wants to battle his dumb ass. Luthor, a mere mortal, is all like 'fuck that, I don't like aliens playin' all up on my Earth'. So without any powers, minus a big 'ol bald brain, Luthor goes about building an empire to crush Superman. So basically its a nerd versus one of the strongest beings  in the universe. Think of it this way: if Superman wasn't on Earth, Luthor would be the world's greatest hero. He seriously hates Superman that much, and that's badass.


5) Bowser

(Figure 4.5: Fuck you Mario. PS DO NOT google image search for Bowser and Peach... trust me)

A key ingredient for all villainy is persistence. Never, EVER, are you going to defeat the hero on the first go-round. Shit like that just doesn't happen. And if for some reason it does? Mother fuckers have extra lives coming out of their pockets like they grow on trees. Sometimes the villain just can't catch a god damn break, yet they keep coming back. Therefore, persistence translates well into badassness, and good ol Bowser has boatloads. All poor Bowser has wanted for damn near 20 years is a little princess pussy. He doesn't want to rule the world, or have infinite riches, or irradiate the world's gold supply. No. He just wants Princess Toadstool. If you ask me that's pretty damn romantic. Then this fucking plunger wielding guido somehow shows up, stomps through his minions, and runs off with aforementioned female royalty. So weak. Despite Mario ruining his life perpetually for two decades, Bowser has no problem showing up for the mustachioed maniac's go-kart races, golf tournaments, or block parties. Bowser is a real stand up guy, someone...er something, I wouldn't mind grabbing a beer with. Mario needs to lighten up and face the fact that Princess is a whore, and maybe she wants to be capture every now and then. Didn't think about that one eh Mario?



1) Biff Tannen

(Figure 4.6: Seriously Biff... you're name is a sound effect)

Normally a villain is given one chance to win. Sure they may best the hero here and there, but overall their ass is going to get kicked and they're going to end up face first in a pile of horseshit. Seriously. The reason Biff (and his past and future selves) is the one that sucks is because he literally has infinite chances to Best the McFly clan. YOU HAVE A FUCKING TIME MACHINE IDIOT! Or at least he did once in the second one. Yet what does Biff do when he has access to the famed DeLorean? He sends his past self a sports almanac... fuck. that. You can literally go anywhere in time, do anything you want, yet you choose to let your past self know the Cleveland Brown's record for the next 50 years. A Butthead indeed.

Derp

Time Bandits

I had a dream last night where I figured out that I was in the past because everyone was listening to Slipknot. When I woke up I thought to myself... "When did anyone listen to Slipknot?". Either way, I was pleased with my ability to determine I had time traveled, and wasn't lumbering around like an oaf saying things like "Ronald Reagan is president?" or "Why are my parents in high school? derp derp". That all segues nicely into this new instillation of 5 Things That Are Awesome and 1 That Sucks. This installments flavor: Time Travelers.


1) Marty McFly

(Figure 3.1: Worst (best?) Fake ID ever)

Duh. Obvious pick right? Well maybe not. At first young Marty is kind of an idiot. It literally takes him an entire day to realize he isn't in 1985 anymore. This is only AFTER his mom tries to bone him. Idiot. However, he redeems himself by (spoiler alert) not getting too mixed up in shit... which in turn makes his future both possible, and bucket loads better. All of this at the expense of the bad guy, Biff. Poor Biff. Is that even a real name? Was anyone ever named that besides bad guys? Marty refines his time travel skillz with trips to the future, and another to the Wild West. While on both journies he defeats the Biff of that time period... so really he just fucks with one guy, through time, forever. Man McFly is a jerk. A fucking cool jerk with a HOVERBOARD!

2) Booster Gold

(Figure 3.2: Booster Gold. Super Hero. Celebrity. Time Traveler. Douch)

You can't expect one of these lists without a comic book based entry... well minus the fruit one.... Anyway, Booster Gold! In his future (the 30th century I think?) he was a high school football star. Ladies wanted him and Gents wanted to be him, all that good stuff. Then he injures himself and/or gets caught doing some insider betting and is out of football forever. Bummer. So like anyone who peaks in high school athletics, Booster becomes a janitor. Luckily for him its this museum of all super hero crap. This is where they keep Batman's first Batmobile and... like... Steel's hammer and shit... I think. So anyway, Booster is all like "Man I wish I was cool, and fought crime and junk like all these heroes of the past. If only I had the keys to unlock all these glass cases.... oh... wait". So basically he steals a flight ring, a force field generator, some other junk, and a robot sidekick. He teams up with the Justice League, and is basically a big prick. Fighting crime for fame, adorning his super suit with sponsor's logos, flirting with the lady heroes, etc. One time he married an old woman, and admitted it was for the money. Now-a-days, Booster is a bit more on the up and up, and travels the 'time stream' with this dude Rip Hunter, basically making sure no Ultra-Humanites or Marty McFlys run around and fuck shit up... good for Booster.

3) Homer Simpson

(Figure 3.3: Homer w/time machine and two idiots)

During one installment of The Treehouse of Horror, Homer finds himself mixed up in little recreational time traveling. Many LoLs followed. Basically he tries to fix a toaster by jamming a fork into it. Being Homer, this doesn't kill him and instead makes the toaster into a time machine. While in the past, Homer remembers the only words of advice his father ever gave him "Homer if you ever find yourself in the past, don't touch anything". For once, Homer listens... kind of. Long story short, Homer fucks shit up and ends up going back and forth through time trying to fix it. He doesn't.... but whatever, Booster Gold will prob fix that shit.

4) George Taylor

(Figure 3.4: Yeah, this looks about right.)

Who? Maybe you're more familiar with Charlton Heston, champion of men, killer of apes? Yeah, thats what I thought. So Mr. Taylor is an astronaut/scientist/badass who ends up on this monkey planet. Long story short the monkey planet turns out to be EARTH, and Charlton Heston gets super pissed off. Especially when he find our that the monkeys blew up the Statue of Liberty. I haven't seen any of the sequels of the apes, but I would like to assume that they are all just Heston charging through the countryside blowing away monkey men with a musket screaming 'YOU DAMN DIRTY APES!'

5) The Terminator

(Figure 3.5: Or nose holes for that matter...)

One time it was sent back to kill Sarah Conner. Then two were sent back, to protect/kill John Conner. THEN two more were sent back AGAIN to protect/kill an older but equally as stupid John Conner.  Then one traveled to the real world and became a governor. winwinwinwin

The One That Sucks

Mr. Peabody and Sherman

(Figure 3.6: A gentleman and an idiot)

Now this should really just be Sherman, but Mr. Peabody gets dragged down by his sidekicks idiocy. Mr. Peabody is a super intelligent talking dog who, for some unknown reason, owns a time machine. For no other reason, other than maybe the fact that he possesses thumbs, Peabody drags along the dunce known as Sherman. This 'child' has the brain capacity of a groundhog, but somehow manages to not get killed by pirates, or bandits, or Christopher Columbus.... or really anything that could kill you during time travel. He has that blend of expendability and invincibility that makes him an ideal sidekick... if only he had something else to offer... like a quarter of a brain. For shame on you Mr. Peabody... bad dog.

(Blogger's Note: The Doctor was not included due to the fact that he travels through dimensions AS WELL AS time. Not the same thing. At all.)

Barrel Scraping

5 Things that are Awesome and 1 that Sucks Volume 2: D-List Batman Villains

So I bet you thought I would abandon this idea like I have so many other blogolicious ideas that I've schemed up in the past years. But alas, here is volume 2 of 5ttaaa1ts!
So to get more to the theme of this blog, and I guess more to the theme of my life, I've decided to make this entry extra nerdy. You've all heard of the Joker and Mr. Freeze, but Batman has a buttload of villains. Literally, Arkham Asylum exist because there are so many bat-shit (get it?) crazy mothers in Gotham who think they can take on the Bat. Now when Batman's usual, A-List rogues gallery contains a homicidal clown, a man who looks like a flightless bird, a pile of clay, and a burn victim, you can only imagine what his lesser known baddies are like. So, here is a look at some of the lamest (aka most bad-a) Bat Villains:

1) Ventriloquist

Like most supervillains/heroes, Arnold Wesker wasn't gonna try and pull any punches with his code name. He literally is a ventriloquist, you know, the guys with the dummies who pretty much died out with vaudeville? (minus the deplorable Jeff Dunham... blech). Anyhoo, so this dude, like many other Bat Baddies doesn't have any super powers other than being completely insane. Arnold Wesker, a human, takes his orders from a higher power aka Scarface his puppet. Now Scarface isn't some Howdy Doody rip off, he's arguable a pretty gnarly puppet... if puppets can be gnarly. He's like a 30s gangster complete wit tommygun, but without all the human parts. So this guy fights Batman with a puppet... that would be like me trying fight Tyson with only a pool noodle.

(Figure 2.1: Yeah, Batman fights a giant Alligator-man on the reg... a puppet aint shit)

2) Cluemaster

First off, this guy's name is dumb as shit. If I was going to get my ass pounded in by Bruce Wayne I might at least try and sound cool while doing it. How about a name like 'Mystery' and 'Brainmelter'? Cluemaster sounds like a goddamn villain from Archie. Dorky name aside, this guy is badass for one sole reason (two if you count the fact he was once a game show host), HE LEAVES CLUES FOR BATMAN! What the Hell? Does he realize that Batman is known as (beyond the Dark Knight and Bruce Wayne) as the world's greatest detective? He doesn't need clues! Batman could solve a crime faster than the CSI team using only his nose and a magnifying glass. Giving him clues is like letting Albert Pujols use a tee when batting. Hell, at least Riddler flexes his brain a little and gives Bats a tricky riddle to solve. Nope. Not Cluemaster. Also, his daughter was Batman's sidekick for a while. That really bites.

(Figure 2.2: Well at least he doesn't dress like a douche... oh... wait)

3) Captain Stingaree

None of you have heard of this guy. If you have, than may God have mercy on your sole. Or you're a huge Batman fan/giant nerd/Bryan Roy. But this guy is really lame. So lame he goes all the way around the cool/lame spectrum back to being cool. He's kind of like a pirate, but not a badass yar-har pirate, more of a Pirate of Penzance type pirate. He's quite foppish indeed. Now he's also pretty nutty because all he brings to the table is some halfway decent fencing skills. Seriously? Fencing? How gay can this guy get? Oh yeah, he actually is gay... with another dude who is literally the same character called the Cavalier. So hell yeah for LGBT comic characters! But Booo to lame pirates. Also, what the fuck is a stingaree and how does one become a captain of it?

(Figure 2.3: This is from when he teamed up with Captain Cold and Captain Boomerang... I'm 100% serious)

4) Killer Moth

Wolverines are scary. Spiders are scary. Bats are scary. Moths... are really lame. This dude is lame on all accounts. His name is lame. His motivation is lame (he read about Batman and wanted to be the anti Batman... really for no reason). Lastly his weapons are really lame. His primary form of offense comes from his Cocoon Gun. Seriously. As wikipedia puts it, a gun that "fires a stream of sticky threads". STICKY THREADS? Christ, at least Spider-Man has the decency to call his stuff 'webbing'. Killer Moth might as well call it his jizz-gun to avoid confusion. Needless to say, Batman beat this guys face in for decades. This eventually forced him to sell his soul to a demon (now I'm paraphrasing here) to become a literally, man sized, Killer Moth... fuck that's lame.

(Figure 2.4: Hey! There he is with fellow lame-o, and Captain Stingaree's lover, The Cavalier!)

5) Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee

Yeah. Just look at these poor bastards. Their only 'power' is that their fat allows them to bounce? WTF? When is the last time you saw a fat person bounce? Isn't that like the opposite of being fat? Jesus Christ these guys must be fucking twisted if they can fight Batman simply by being fat... well, my hats off to them! Huzzah, keep on bouncin' you crazy fat Lewis Carol characters!

(Figure 2.5: Batman's face is one of pure WTF)

THE ONE THAT SUCKS

1) Man-Bat

Maybe not a D-Lister, but certainly not an A. Man-Bat is super fucking lame do to sheer unoriginality. He literally saw Batman, and reversed his name. Look how clever I am! He also comes from the whole, 'scientist who fucks up and becomes all weird and angry' pool of villains that seem to litter super hero books. Seriously if you are a scientist in the Marvel or DC universe there is at least an 80% chance you will A) Be hideously scarred and start a career of crime or B) Gain some super fresh powers and battle the other scientists who have gone all cuckoo. Man-Bat, half man, half bat. He is no one's friend.

(Figure 2.5: Batman doing his best Man-Bat impression)

Well, that's all for this pile of words and pictures. Tell your friends about this shit, especially if they're in the job giving market.