Roy's Rants

Movie Recap 2010

2010-12-14T00:21:00.000-05:00

So, sometimes I go to the movies. Sometimes I see really good flicks, sometimes I see really bad ones. It's like eating a pizza. Sometimes I eat really good zas, and its the bomb, I can't stop talking about how awesome the pizza was. Like a good movie. Bad pizza, like bad movies, suck but at least I'm eating pizza, aka I enjoy watching movies... well most of the time. Anyway, I've comprised a list of movies all of the movies I saw in theaters this year. This list may or may not be complete, and considering Tron and True Grit have yet to come out there is at least two I haven't seen yet. Regardless he's the moving pictures I've seen this year, and a little blurb, or perhaps a big blurb, about them.

(Note: This isn't in any kind of order, at all, so back off man)

- Black Swan
If you had told me I would ever see a movie that revolves around the world of ballet I would've probably called you an idiot. If you said I would've seen that movie and really liked it, I would've called you a liar, and possibly pointed out that your pants were on fire. This one is still making its way out there, so I don't want to spoil anything. The trailers have no idea how to spin this one, but I can spin it for them. Go see this.

- Inception

This movie squeezed my mind grapes of every last ounce of sweet thinking juice they had. A movie about dreams that made me feel as though I was dreaming. If you haven't seen this one yet, you've fucked up, pain and simple. Dear Chris Nolan, when you and your bro are ready to pass on your magic writing dust, I'll be more than willing to take it off your hands.

- Enter the Void
There is probably a 97% chance you haven't seen this movie. An erratic and challenging piece about life and love, shook me all the way down to the black stuff in my guts. One of the few movies I've ever seen where I had to look away from the screen. Visceral is an understatement. After viewing, it was like a worm had been planted in my brain and for a good week or so I couldn't shake it. Not for everyone, probably not 'FOR' anyone.

- Toy Story 3

This was like Enter the Void on PCP. But seriously folks, if you didn't see this one or have no emotional response to your childhood memories getting tossed into an incinerator, then stop reading this blog because youre just a shit human being.

- The Town
This movie was a huge Boston bonah. Kid, this movie was wicked sick and shit. Again, but seriously, this movie was a pretty solid c+/b-. Having an attachment to Boston definitely boosted this one. Its no Gone Baby Gone, but it was still a fun ride. Blake Lively (who?) killed it.

- Due Date
More like meh date. Zach Galifinakis shot par for his usual humor course, and RDJr was slickity slick like Tony Stark, but overall this just didn't have the humorous punch of Old School or even The Hangover (other Tod Phillips ventures for all you non cinemaphiles out there.)

- Social Network
A movie about facebook without having to look at your pregnant friends or people making shitty decisions (or both?). Jesse Eisenberg hit a fucking home run as the facebook founder. Would've been a shoe-in for best actor is 127 Hours hadn't come out this year. Still a great flick, but why wouldn't it be with the writer director combo equivalent of World's Finest (google that if you don't know it, I'm too lazy to explain my nerd lingo).

- Scott Pilgrim vs The World

You didn't see this movie, and you have fucked up. Absolve your sins by buying the blu-ray. Seriously.

- The Expendables
I found it funny that the main characters all wore lots of leather, while being quite leathery themselves. Watch a pack of old catcher's mits blow shit up and shoot things for an hour and a half. It'll make you feel American again. Terry Crews has the best line of the movie.

- 127 Hours
No zombies, no bollywood, and no sunshine, this Danny Boyle flick is still a winner and a half. Jimmy Franco drops an atomic bomb of drama as the camera probes his pain stricken face for a good hour. I knew what was going to happen, didn't matter. Go and see this, even my Mom liked it.

- Iron Man 2
I don't remember anything about this movie other than the fact that the screening I went to had two special guests. Some no names calling themselves Robert Downey Jr. and Jon Favreau

- Kick Ass

Good fun. If anything a good way to get new, fresh, bodies into the local comic shop. Most kills by a 9 year old I've ever seen on film. Nick Cage is classy as a top hat.

- Shutter Island
This movie was very c+.

- Predators
This movie was SUPRISINGLY C+

- Alice in Wonderland (3D)
Headache city. I wanted to leave this movie. Made me feel like throwing up.

- Robin Hood

Seen Braveheart? Seen Gladiator? Know who Robin Hood is? There you go. You just saw Robin Hood.

- Hot Tub Time Machine
Some good laughs. 80s parody overload.

I think that's it. If you want to know more of my opinions on any movie, I could probably tell you in person. For real. On commission.

The Christmas Spirit of Vengeance

2010-12-11T18:22:00.000-05:00

"Now I have a machine gun. Ho! Ho! Ho!"

Why didn't I think of this on Halloween?!

I bet when you read that you totally had a euro trash terrorist accent in your head. That, my friends is what we call a Christmas miracle. Much like the hit single 'Miracles' by the prolific Insane Clown Posse, Christmas Miracles are everywhere and scientists don't know shit about them. Seriously, magic is just stronger at Christmas. Like I mentioned, scientists are completely baffled by this (and magnets). However, I believe I have found the source of all this X-Mass mysticism, the one and only Santa Claus. I mean, for Christs sake (get it, Christ? Christmas? lololol) Santa is a goddamn wizard, actually more like a druid... pretty sure he's an elf and or a giant dwarf. Cross class druid/wizard elf/dwarf hrybrid? Would explain the unreal agility and resistance to cold. Don't believe me? Let's do a quick wizard comparison here.

Gandalf: Arguably the most legit Wizard, ever.
- White Beard: check
- Multiple Aliases: check ( Mithrandir, Greyhame, Stormcrow, Olórin, Incánus, Tharkûn)
- Has a way with animals (giant eagles, moths): check
- Owns a glorious steed: check (Shadowfax)

Totally badass.

- Hangs out with elves, but they are totally his bitch: check
- Has magic powers: check (killed Balrog, essentially saved Middle Earth)
- Knows how to party: check check check x10000

Fireworks and Pipeweed bitches, let's get bombed!

Santa: Arguably the most legit fat man
- White Beard: check (hell, even impostors sport the white beard)
- Multiple Aliases: check (Father Christmas, Papa Noel, Santa Clause, Chimney John)
- Has a way with animals: check (he can make them fucking fly)
- Owns a glorious steed: check (Rudolph)

"Call me when Shadowfax has his own Monopoly" -Love, Rudolph

- Hangs with elves, but they are totally his bitch: check (ho,ho,ho now I need 3000 silly bands by sundown)
- Has magic powers: check (time manipulation, the everseeing eye of agamotto, size manipulation, cheer generation)
- Knows how to party: check (Santa was the first man on Earth to put booze in his nog. truth)

Batman, you can shove your mumbles up your ass. We're all getting wasted with Santa.

I mean, I'm no wikileaks here people but the proof is in the Christmas pudding. Either Santa is a wizard, or he's a fictional character created to bring cheer to those unlucky enough to live where it get below the freezing point.

Middle Earth Tabloid Cover Story

Regardless, hohoho I have a machine gun. Go watch Die Hard, it's my favorite Christmas movie.

Halloweenies

2010-10-18T20:22:00.000-04:00

It's October 18th, do you know what you're going to be for Halloween? If you said ''no, because I'm too old for that shit'', then fuck you stop reading my blog you un-fun turd. If you said ''yes'' then good for you, you over prepared turd. If you said ''Oh shit, it's October?" then read on my faithful friend because I've got the cure for what ails ya!

So the knowledge I'm going to drop in this blog is all about the magic of costume making. Ever since I was a young lad, I'd always make my own costumes. Whether this meant getting things from Good Will or having Ma stitch something together, my costumes were rarely, if ever store bought. Don't be lazy and unoriginal so get on the DIY train and do that shit yourself. Here some tip-a-roos:

1) Don't go for store bought costumes: Why? Well first off, they suck. They look cheap, are made of cheap material, and often smell like old rubber. Whenever I see someone with one of those cheesy store bought costumes, a part of my soul dies. The old argument is that it's cheaper. Really? Paying 40+ dollars for a pile of shit is cheaper than putting together an original piece with things form Good Will? Doubt it. Seriously, if I had a nickle for every shitty store bought Mad Hatter costume Im going to see this year, I'd have like... 3 dollars. But seriously.

FUCK YOU

2) You're more creative than you think. Use your head a little. Good costumes just don't happen over night. Think about what you like, what suits you, or what makes you laugh. Now look around the house, in your closest, garage, torture dungeon, and put start putting things together. You'll be surprised at what interesting treasures you'll find. Imagination is key. Turn trash and junk into something fun... fuck did I just type that?


Before

After

3) Keep it simple, dummy. Obviously not everyone has the know-how, or cash, for a perfect Iron Man armor replica costume. Stick to what your know. Maybe you aren't comfortable using power tools, alright use a glue gun. Maybe the sewing kit isn't for you, use tape or velcro. If the costume is simple, you can hit a grand slam with minimal effort. Example: John McClain from Die Hard. Easy costume that with minimal effort can look great!

Yippi-Ki-Yay

So don't be a Halloweenie this year and get yourself a great custom costume!

Oil Change

2010-08-27T20:04:00.000-04:00

Had to get an oil change today. Most likely overdue.... but, whatever I like ridin' dirty. Anyway, without wheels, without anything to do, and feeling a bit like a zombie, I journeyed to the mall. Let's just start this off with a general theme: The Burbank Town Center has some really weird stores. I went into this one store that was just random Japanese shit. Like Gundam models and little plastic sushi. It was a decent place to waste time. Basically just looking at every little stupid toy in a box. Then, two floors below there is like this... Asian interior design thing store. They have fountains, and bamboo things. Two sketchy dudes were checking out the large variety of swords. Many replicas of anime swords. All I could think was, "Who buys this shit?... well besides the sketchy guys buying Final Fantasy VII replicas."

I bought some incense. It was apple scented. The sales woman said, "Oh, apple. Very fresh." To which I replied, "Yeah, fresh". It was a good time.

I the fled the mall and stumbled my way down San Fernando. I came across this book store, which ironically is called ''something'' movie, or something like that. In reality they had like 200 VHS tapes and approximately 500,000 books, give or take 1,000,000,000 books. This place was like something out of a Harry Potter movie. I expected to see some floating books or some shit. The book keeper was a stout little troll, sifting through a massive stack of sci-fi and mystery paper backs. He grunted something at me and I scurried into the nearby aisle. This place would give Storm a heart attack. I mean serious claustrophobia. Bookifobia is more like it. The stacks were well over my head and arranged in narrow rows. I found a book of Leonard Nemoy's poetry, but couldn't justify coughing up 20 bones haha. The growing smell of musty old books eventually repelled me from the tomes.

With no call from the oil monger, I decided to grab an ice cream from Foster's Freeze. This place is like a bizarro world Dairy Queen. Like something that would be a hang out for a TV show. Is this place just a West Coast thing? Anyway I order the 'Cherry and Brownie Twister aka blizzard'. Looking back it's quite a girly flavor. It also kind of sounds like a Tyler Perry movie. Tyler Perry presents: "Brownie and Cherry"... kind of forgot the punch line for that one... use your imagination.

So I crush that, but it ended up being too much. Gives me more respect for that man vs food guy. He must go through some serious shit... and some serious SHITS *Heyyooooo*. I chucked a good quarter of it and strolled back to the mechanic. Car wasn't ready yet, but whatever. The office/waiting room had a tv playing Inside Edition. This is some serious Paul Verhoeven shit. Stories about people falling off cliffs next to stories about some hooker claiming her son is a Tiger Woods love baby. Then every commercial has some crazy jingle, or stupid dance. Powerful stuff.

Whatever got the oil changed. Mission accomplished.

BEAT DRUMS! BEAT DRUMS!

2010-06-10T15:55:00.002-04:00

Muppet (n): 1) A puppet thing. Normally some sort of anthropomorphic animal, typically bearing large googly eyes, poofy hair, and/or large floppy mouths 2) A person with physical qualities that closely resemble a muppet, typically brought on by old age.

Seeing a human muppet is not that uncommon. As the definition states it is typically brought on by old age, and old muppets are everywhere. On the bus, crossing the street, trying to buy things, staring at electronics with googly-eyed bewilderment. Literally, old human muppets are everywhere. However, it is quite rare to catch a human muppet at earlier stages in its life. What I'm about to present to you all, is some rare footage of one of the youngest human muppets discovered in the wild. Without further ado, I present to you the Crazy Dummer, of the Animal family of human muppets:

Exhibit A (totally safe for work)

Exhibit B (also totally safe for work)

NOTE: How lame are his bandmates? The Allnighters? More like the All-lamos. Do they even know what's going on behind them?

Totally Badass

2010-06-09T19:40:00.000-04:00

Been a while, but fuck that not like ya'll care anyway. Hopefully you've been able to mine your humor nuggets elsewhere on the interwebs in my leave. Alas I have returned to provide you with some well placed wit and mirth to make you daily LOL quotient that much higher. Or maybe you'll think it's totally shit, entirely up to you. So without further ado, I present a new edition of 5 Awesome Things and 1 That Sucks (or whatever I'm calling this thing). Today's topic: Badass Villains.

1) Hans Gruber

(Figure 4.1: Yes we can... defeat John McClain and run off with a zillion dollars in bonds!)

Hans is a bad ass villain for a mountain of reasons. He gets a race bonus of +15 to villainy for being German. His accent just sounds better saying things like 'Kill HIM!' moreso than it does 'Let me bag that for you'. Needless to say, he was born to be badass. An underestimated trait of Gruber's is that he understands the value (or non-value) of the henchman. Henchmen are something you need, but dont' necessarily want to pay, much like a production assistant. Along the way you're most likely going to lose a handfull or two to the hero, so don't blow all your cash arming these idiots to the teeth, because John McClain, or Rambo, or whoever hero is in your grill is going to end up with those weapons anyway. Instead Hans, chooses his team wisely, filling out his ranks with a bucket of schmucks with a badass super-hench to back them up. Then, as they get picked off, Hans doesn't sweat it, because that means more money for him and his Urkel rip-off hacker dude. "Now I have a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho." Indeed!

2) Xenia Onatop

(Figure 4.2: Mr. Bond, it appears as though you're in a bit of a bind. MUAHAHAHA!)

James Bond has come across a lot of hilariously jokey names in his time (Pussy Galore, Honey Rider, Plenty O'Toole, and Strawberry Fields come to mind). You would think after a while the world's greatest spy would just start rolling his eyes whenever someone went to introduce themselves. He'd be all like 'Let me guess sexy lady, you're name is... Ivanna Fuke?'. Anyway, Xenia Onatop is one of my fave Bond villains, and not only for her incredibly jokeful name. What separates her from the rest of the Bond Baddie pack is her ... erm... talents. Ms. Onatop (tee hee) gets off on hurting other people, more specifically squeezing people to death with her fine-ass legs. Both hot and terrifying, much like the Double Down. Most villains like killing, Xenia likes LIKES killing, more than a friend if you catch my drift. Ironically JB kills her by crushing her, more or less, with a helicopter. Gotta give it to Bond, he knows how to handle women... amiright?!

3) Boba Fett

(Figure 4.3: Boba Fett: Hunter of Men, Slayer of Women)

Boba is hands down the baddest assed clone to ever exist... well besides maybe that time when Lex Luthor cloned himself. Anyway, imagine if you cloned yourself. You'd literally know everything about you, and could therefore counter all of your weaknesses by teaching yourself how not to suck. Now imagine if you're the illest soldier in the galaxy and the government has just offered you a shitload of credits for an army worth of your clones. As payment I'd totally ask for a test model... I mean why not? Taking care of a clone of yourself would be easier than caring for a cat. So anyway, Boba Fett is Jano Fett but basically with a lifetime of experience. Plus he totally fell in the Sarlac Pit and didn't die. Baller.

4) Lex Luthor

(Figure 4.4: Because of Superman, someone is gonna be down 40 cakes...)

Like all these articles, you can't escape without a comic book reference. So here is arguably my favorite comic book villain, Lex Luthor. For starters, he hates Superman as much as I do. Honestly, Superman is a dork, and a douche... and a fucking asshole. If it wasn't for Superman, Earth wouldn't constantly be hosting these insane battles against Supes and whatever alien wants to battle his dumb ass. Luthor, a mere mortal, is all like 'fuck that, I don't like aliens playin' all up on my Earth'. So without any powers, minus a big 'ol bald brain, Luthor goes about building an empire to crush Superman. So basically its a nerd versus one of the strongest beings in the universe. Think of it this way: if Superman wasn't on Earth, Luthor would be the world's greatest hero. He seriously hates Superman that much, and that's badass.

5) Bowser

(Figure 4.5: Fuck you Mario. PS DO NOT google image search for Bowser and Peach... trust me)

A key ingredient for all villainy is persistence. Never, EVER, are you going to defeat the hero on the first go-round. Shit like that just doesn't happen. And if for some reason it does? Mother fuckers have extra lives coming out of their pockets like they grow on trees. Sometimes the villain just can't catch a god damn break, yet they keep coming back. Therefore, persistence translates well into badassness, and good ol Bowser has boatloads. All poor Bowser has wanted for damn near 20 years is a little princess pussy. He doesn't want to rule the world, or have infinite riches, or irradiate the world's gold supply. No. He just wants Princess Toadstool. If you ask me that's pretty damn romantic. Then this fucking plunger wielding guido somehow shows up, stomps through his minions, and runs off with aforementioned female royalty. So weak. Despite Mario ruining his life perpetually for two decades, Bowser has no problem showing up for the mustachioed maniac's go-kart races, golf tournaments, or block parties. Bowser is a real stand up guy, someone...er something, I wouldn't mind grabbing a beer with. Mario needs to lighten up and face the fact that Princess is a whore, and maybe she wants to be capture every now and then. Didn't think about that one eh Mario?

1) Biff Tannen

(Figure 4.6: Seriously Biff... you're name is a sound effect)

Normally a villain is given one chance to win. Sure they may best the hero here and there, but overall their ass is going to get kicked and they're going to end up face first in a pile of horseshit. Seriously. The reason Biff (and his past and future selves) is the one that sucks is because he literally has infinite chances to Best the McFly clan. YOU HAVE A FUCKING TIME MACHINE IDIOT! Or at least he did once in the second one. Yet what does Biff do when he has access to the famed DeLorean? He sends his past self a sports almanac... fuck. that. You can literally go anywhere in time, do anything you want, yet you choose to let your past self know the Cleveland Brown's record for the next 50 years. A Butthead indeed.

Derp

2010-05-02T13:48:00.000-04:00

Time Bandits

2010-04-20T03:12:00.000-04:00

I had a dream last night where I figured out that I was in the past because everyone was listening to Slipknot. When I woke up I thought to myself... "When did anyone listen to Slipknot?". Either way, I was pleased with my ability to determine I had time traveled, and wasn't lumbering around like an oaf saying things like "Ronald Reagan is president?" or "Why are my parents in high school? derp derp". That all segues nicely into this new instillation of 5 Things That Are Awesome and 1 That Sucks. This installments flavor: Time Travelers.

1) Marty McFly

(Figure 3.1: Worst (best?) Fake ID ever)

Duh. Obvious pick right? Well maybe not. At first young Marty is kind of an idiot. It literally takes him an entire day to realize he isn't in 1985 anymore. This is only AFTER his mom tries to bone him. Idiot. However, he redeems himself by (spoiler alert) not getting too mixed up in shit... which in turn makes his future both possible, and bucket loads better. All of this at the expense of the bad guy, Biff. Poor Biff. Is that even a real name? Was anyone ever named that besides bad guys? Marty refines his time travel skillz with trips to the future, and another to the Wild West. While on both journies he defeats the Biff of that time period... so really he just fucks with one guy, through time, forever. Man McFly is a jerk. A fucking cool jerk with a HOVERBOARD!

2) Booster Gold

(Figure 3.2: Booster Gold. Super Hero. Celebrity. Time Traveler. Douch)

You can't expect one of these lists without a comic book based entry... well minus the fruit one.... Anyway, Booster Gold! In his future (the 30th century I think?) he was a high school football star. Ladies wanted him and Gents wanted to be him, all that good stuff. Then he injures himself and/or gets caught doing some insider betting and is out of football forever. Bummer. So like anyone who peaks in high school athletics, Booster becomes a janitor. Luckily for him its this museum of all super hero crap. This is where they keep Batman's first Batmobile and... like... Steel's hammer and shit... I think. So anyway, Booster is all like "Man I wish I was cool, and fought crime and junk like all these heroes of the past. If only I had the keys to unlock all these glass cases.... oh... wait". So basically he steals a flight ring, a force field generator, some other junk, and a robot sidekick. He teams up with the Justice League, and is basically a big prick. Fighting crime for fame, adorning his super suit with sponsor's logos, flirting with the lady heroes, etc. One time he married an old woman, and admitted it was for the money. Now-a-days, Booster is a bit more on the up and up, and travels the 'time stream' with this dude Rip Hunter, basically making sure no Ultra-Humanites or Marty McFlys run around and fuck shit up... good for Booster.

3) Homer Simpson

(Figure 3.3: Homer w/time machine and two idiots)

During one installment of The Treehouse of Horror, Homer finds himself mixed up in little recreational time traveling. Many LoLs followed. Basically he tries to fix a toaster by jamming a fork into it. Being Homer, this doesn't kill him and instead makes the toaster into a time machine. While in the past, Homer remembers the only words of advice his father ever gave him "Homer if you ever find yourself in the past, don't touch anything". For once, Homer listens... kind of. Long story short, Homer fucks shit up and ends up going back and forth through time trying to fix it. He doesn't.... but whatever, Booster Gold will prob fix that shit.

4) George Taylor

(Figure 3.4: Yeah, this looks about right.)

Who? Maybe you're more familiar with Charlton Heston, champion of men, killer of apes? Yeah, thats what I thought. So Mr. Taylor is an astronaut/scientist/badass who ends up on this monkey planet. Long story short the monkey planet turns out to be EARTH, and Charlton Heston gets super pissed off. Especially when he find our that the monkeys blew up the Statue of Liberty. I haven't seen any of the sequels of the apes, but I would like to assume that they are all just Heston charging through the countryside blowing away monkey men with a musket screaming 'YOU DAMN DIRTY APES!'

5) The Terminator

(Figure 3.5: Or nose holes for that matter...)

One time it was sent back to kill Sarah Conner. Then two were sent back, to protect/kill John Conner. THEN two more were sent back AGAIN to protect/kill an older but equally as stupid John Conner. Then one traveled to the real world and became a governor. winwinwinwin

The One That Sucks

Mr. Peabody and Sherman

(Figure 3.6: A gentleman and an idiot)

Now this should really just be Sherman, but Mr. Peabody gets dragged down by his sidekicks idiocy. Mr. Peabody is a super intelligent talking dog who, for some unknown reason, owns a time machine. For no other reason, other than maybe the fact that he possesses thumbs, Peabody drags along the dunce known as Sherman. This 'child' has the brain capacity of a groundhog, but somehow manages to not get killed by pirates, or bandits, or Christopher Columbus.... or really anything that could kill you during time travel. He has that blend of expendability and invincibility that makes him an ideal sidekick... if only he had something else to offer... like a quarter of a brain. For shame on you Mr. Peabody... bad dog.

(Blogger's Note: The Doctor was not included due to the fact that he travels through dimensions AS WELL AS time. Not the same thing. At all.)

Barrel Scraping

2010-04-07T22:55:00.011-04:00

5 Things that are Awesome and 1 that Sucks Volume 2: D-List Batman Villains

So I bet you thought I would abandon this idea like I have so many other blogolicious ideas that I've schemed up in the past years. But alas, here is volume 2 of 5ttaaa1ts!
So to get more to the theme of this blog, and I guess more to the theme of my life, I've decided to make this entry extra nerdy. You've all heard of the Joker and Mr. Freeze, but Batman has a buttload of villains. Literally, Arkham Asylum exist because there are so many bat-shit (get it?) crazy mothers in Gotham who think they can take on the Bat. Now when Batman's usual, A-List rogues gallery contains a homicidal clown, a man who looks like a flightless bird, a pile of clay, and a burn victim, you can only imagine what his lesser known baddies are like. So, here is a look at some of the lamest (aka most bad-a) Bat Villains:

1) Ventriloquist

Like most supervillains/heroes, Arnold Wesker wasn't gonna try and pull any punches with his code name. He literally is a ventriloquist, you know, the guys with the dummies who pretty much died out with vaudeville? (minus the deplorable Jeff Dunham... blech). Anyhoo, so this dude, like many other Bat Baddies doesn't have any super powers other than being completely insane. Arnold Wesker, a human, takes his orders from a higher power aka Scarface his puppet. Now Scarface isn't some Howdy Doody rip off, he's arguable a pretty gnarly puppet... if puppets can be gnarly. He's like a 30s gangster complete wit tommygun, but without all the human parts. So this guy fights Batman with a puppet... that would be like me trying fight Tyson with only a pool noodle.

(Figure 2.1: Yeah, Batman fights a giant Alligator-man on the reg... a puppet aint shit)

2) Cluemaster

First off, this guy's name is dumb as shit. If I was going to get my ass pounded in by Bruce Wayne I might at least try and sound cool while doing it. How about a name like 'Mystery' and 'Brainmelter'? Cluemaster sounds like a goddamn villain from Archie. Dorky name aside, this guy is badass for one sole reason (two if you count the fact he was once a game show host), HE LEAVES CLUES FOR BATMAN! What the Hell? Does he realize that Batman is known as (beyond the Dark Knight and Bruce Wayne) as the world's greatest detective? He doesn't need clues! Batman could solve a crime faster than the CSI team using only his nose and a magnifying glass. Giving him clues is like letting Albert Pujols use a tee when batting. Hell, at least Riddler flexes his brain a little and gives Bats a tricky riddle to solve. Nope. Not Cluemaster. Also, his daughter was Batman's sidekick for a while. That really bites.

(Figure 2.2: Well at least he doesn't dress like a douche... oh... wait)

3) Captain Stingaree

None of you have heard of this guy. If you have, than may God have mercy on your sole. Or you're a huge Batman fan/giant nerd/Bryan Roy. But this guy is really lame. So lame he goes all the way around the cool/lame spectrum back to being cool. He's kind of like a pirate, but not a badass yar-har pirate, more of a Pirate of Penzance type pirate. He's quite foppish indeed. Now he's also pretty nutty because all he brings to the table is some halfway decent fencing skills. Seriously? Fencing? How gay can this guy get? Oh yeah, he actually is gay... with another dude who is literally the same character called the Cavalier. So hell yeah for LGBT comic characters! But Booo to lame pirates. Also, what the fuck is a stingaree and how does one become a captain of it?

(Figure 2.3: This is from when he teamed up with Captain Cold and Captain Boomerang... I'm 100% serious)

4) Killer Moth

Wolverines are scary. Spiders are scary. Bats are scary. Moths... are really lame. This dude is lame on all accounts. His name is lame. His motivation is lame (he read about Batman and wanted to be the anti Batman... really for no reason). Lastly his weapons are really lame. His primary form of offense comes from his Cocoon Gun. Seriously. As wikipedia puts it, a gun that "fires a stream of sticky threads". STICKY THREADS? Christ, at least Spider-Man has the decency to call his stuff 'webbing'. Killer Moth might as well call it his jizz-gun to avoid confusion. Needless to say, Batman beat this guys face in for decades. This eventually forced him to sell his soul to a demon (now I'm paraphrasing here) to become a literally, man sized, Killer Moth... fuck that's lame.

(Figure 2.4: Hey! There he is with fellow lame-o, and Captain Stingaree's lover, The Cavalier!)

5) Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee

Yeah. Just look at these poor bastards. Their only 'power' is that their fat allows them to bounce? WTF? When is the last time you saw a fat person bounce? Isn't that like the opposite of being fat? Jesus Christ these guys must be fucking twisted if they can fight Batman simply by being fat... well, my hats off to them! Huzzah, keep on bouncin' you crazy fat Lewis Carol characters!

(Figure 2.5: Batman's face is one of pure WTF)

THE ONE THAT SUCKS

1) Man-Bat

Maybe not a D-Lister, but certainly not an A. Man-Bat is super fucking lame do to sheer unoriginality. He literally saw Batman, and reversed his name. Look how clever I am! He also comes from the whole, 'scientist who fucks up and becomes all weird and angry' pool of villains that seem to litter super hero books. Seriously if you are a scientist in the Marvel or DC universe there is at least an 80% chance you will A) Be hideously scarred and start a career of crime or B) Gain some super fresh powers and battle the other scientists who have gone all cuckoo. Man-Bat, half man, half bat. He is no one's friend.

(Figure 2.5: Batman doing his best Man-Bat impression)

Well, that's all for this pile of words and pictures. Tell your friends about this shit, especially if they're in the job giving market.

Fruity Pebbles

2010-03-23T14:29:00.010-04:00

Out of the mist there emerged.... a ROY! Seriously folks it's been a while. Last post had something to do with the Osacars... whatever those are. Anyway, to get my blog juices (mmmmm, blog juice) flowing I decided to start a new series of posts called '5 things that are awesome and one that sucks'. Basically, I'll tell you about five things that I really dig. Throughout the course of the article, by using subtle mind control and clever writing techniques, I'll convince you that you also like these things. Then, since I hate so much stuff, I'll include one thing that sucks. So this is the pilot episode of "5 Things that are Awsome and 1 That Sucks". I promise it'll be better then The Jay Leno Show:

Today's Episode: Fruit

Now I really like fruit, a lot. It's hard not to like fruit. Someone the other day told me that they didn't like fruit. WHAT?! How can someone discredit an entire piece of the food pyramid? There are so many different fruits out there, and saying you don't like them all is just straight up fruitist. Anyway, those people who don't like fruit are crazy and wrong. For all ya'll who don't hate on my seeded brethren. Here's 5 fruits that are awesome (and 1 that sucks).

1) Strawberry: There is a reason why strawberries are involved with satin sheets and candlelight. It's because they're a fuckin' sexy fruit. Cover them in chocolate and watch the panties drop. Sweet, bite sized little piece of red gold. Whoever ate the first strawberry probably ended up being the tribe leader, because when he brought that shit back to camp everyone probably went ape shit. Name me one berry that is better. Blackberries are close, raspberries are gay, and blueberries are better in pie/muffin form. Fact: Strawberries are the best berry.

(Figure 1.1: Look how sexy this fruit is... seriously)

2) Watermelon: You know during the summer, when you're hot and sticky and feel like death? Besides beer, the only thing that could make you feel better is a massive slice of watermelon. I've made it my goal to always bring a whole watermelon to any party I go to. Why? Because unlike bean salad, the king of all melons won't go bad in the hot sun and will get eaten. There is just something so visceral about tearing open a melon, ripping out its guts, then feasting upon its flesh as its juices dribble down your face. Bring one of these camping, have everyone laugh at you, then they'll realize on the last day that when they're too hungover to eat real food, the watermelon reigns supreme.

(Figure 1.2: Even turtles like watermelons. You can always trust turtles)

3) Bananas: Some guys don't like bananas because of their phallic nature. Well I think that's quite gay of them. Literally I suppose. Combine these guys with strawberries and you have the original fruit combo flavor (also my favorite yogurt flave). Bananas are an awesome fruit because they are unlike any other fruit around. Opening a banana isn't a hassle like the aforementioned watermelon or even an orange. You just tear that baby open like a Christmas present and feast upon its pale shaft of potassium. Alright... maybe a little gay.

(Figure 1.3: I AM A BANANA!)

4) Tomatoes: Ha. Scientific curve ball mother fuckers!! Have you had a sandwich with a tomato? Now try it without. LAME! Tomatoes also make ketchup, tomato sauce, tomato juice (eh?). I'm growing six plants of these bad boys in my backyard right now. WHO WANTS A TAMATAH!?

(Figure 1.4: Look at how much this mother fucker loves tomatoes)

5) Cherries: A bit underrated, but a good sack full of cherries is most pleasing to my tasting buds. Cherries are often pigeon holed into the condiment group thanks to ice cream and their evil cousin the maraschino cherry. The real deal cherries are the tits. Not to mention the fact that there is a firework named after them. Cherry also happens to be one of the best candy flavors also known as red. Plus, like sunflower seeds, they come with that added bonus of being able to spit something out after consumption and not look like a jerk doing so. Pitooie! Now bring me a goblet full of cherries!

(Figure 1.5: The forgotten Fruit of the Loom fruit)

Now for the one that sucks:

1) Durian: Humans are blessed with a sense of smell that usually lets us know things our other senses fail to. Such as if something is rotten or dying or garbage. Typically fruits have a smell like a flower or something. In fact many fruits are often used for scratch and sniff stickers or air fresheners or whatever. Not the durian. This little monster found in South East Asia smells like a baby threw-up on some dying fish that at one point had eaten dirty socks. Whoof. These things smell so bad, you can't bring them into public places in Singapore (the subway, cabs, parks, elevators, hotels, etc.). You literally have to eat them on the spot, or rush them home. Not to mention the fact that the actual fruit, which looks like a brain, is trapped inside a massive spike laden orb. To actually get to the fruit you have to take a machete to the thing like its a zombie head. The fruit itself taste like a thick, putrid custard... thing. I really don't know how to describe it. Oh yeah, it also raises your blood pressure and makes you sweat. As if smelling like shit and being covered in spikes wasn't enough to get you to not eat this damn thing. If you find one, try it... but don't say I didn't warn you.

(Figure 1.6: The fine for durians? You are removed from existence)

Oscar the Grouch

2010-02-06T13:21:00.003-05:00

Alright, so I don't know if you guys know this, but every year there is this big show and all these famous people get these awards called Oscar's for making (sometimes) good movies. They also can win them for being really nasty actors. It's called the Academy Awards, maybe you've heard of them.

Like everything else in the film world, I pretty much hate the Academy Awards, and then secretly love them when no one is looking. I understand that it's pretty much impossible for a single group to pick one movie that is the best of the entire year. There is simply too much to judge. What makes the BEST movie? Only the shadowy Academy knows for sure. Meanwhile us puny mortals are left waiting and wondering if Transformers 2 will win best sound. Well, worry no more faithful reader, because I'm going to tell you what is should win (according to me) and what most likely will win (aka shit). I'm not going to go through all the categories, because most of you probs don't give an S about a majority of them anyway.

My picks (opinion) is in bold, what I think is actually going to win is italicized. So let's get this party started:

Best Animated Feature

Nominees: Up, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Coraline, Secret of Kells, Princess and the Frog

This one was tough. I really liked Up, more than I thought I would. Not to mention the fact that it was beautiful and one of the few movies to ever make me weep, laugh, and jump with excitement. It was great, fantastic even, but in that regards its more of a best picture than a just a lowly animated feature (how did that happen anyway?). Despite all of my love for Up, Fantastic Mr. Fox really impressed me. Now I know there is a lot of Wes Anderson haters out there, but they need to take a seat. Mr. Fox had me smiling the entire time, and most importantly, it made me feel like a kid again. Also, the untraditional style of animation was like nothing I've never seen before, even in stop motion format.

Best Achievement in Editing

Nominees: Avatar, District 9, Hurt Locker, Inglorious Basterds, Precious

This will be the first time, but not the last time I say this: fuck Avatar. Seriously. Now I've already gone over this ad nauseum so I'll spare you the hate. If you haven't seen Hurt Locker yet, the you're a dummy. You should stop what you're doing right now, and go out and rent that shit. You'll say to yourself, 'dang, maybe I should see more movies than Avatar. Look at this snappy editing. Someone should give that Bryan Roy a job, because he's wicked smart.' Seriously, that's what you'll say. I also pick Hurt Locker for cinematography... so there.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Nominees: District 9, An Education, In the Loop, Precious, Up in the Air

Believe it or not another Sci-Fi movie came out in 2009 that wasn't Avatar. HUH? Oh yeah. That movie was District 9 and it was the bee knees. I suppose this is an adapted screenplay because it was based off of the short film? Anyhoo, District 9 was such a fresh, fantastic, and original idea it's going to be sad to see it get trounced by the Avatar war machine *sigh*. Up in the Air was enjoyable, and people seem to love George Clooney, so despite Mr. Clooney having nothing to do with the writing of a rather bland story, Up in the Air will probably win.

Best Original Screenplay

Nominees: The Hurt Locker, Inglorious Basterds, The Messenger, A Serious Man, Up.

This category is my fave for two reasons: 1) It's basically what I do. So it would be like if you were picking an award for best blog reader (ooooohhhh meta) and 2) I really enjoyed all these movies (minus the Messenger which I did not see). Hurt Locker was great, yes, but the writing could have been better. Up, was fun and that first 15 minutes is unreal, but in the end its an above average animated feature. A Serious Man was one of those movies that left me with chills and huhs?. If you haven't seen it, then you probably wouldn't like it. Basterds was surprisingly less Tarantino than I had anticipated and the way it was written (essentially two three act stories that share a third act) was quite creative. I think, for once, the Academy will agree.

Best Achievement in Directing

Nominees: Kathryn Bigelow (Hurt Locker), James Cameron (Avatar), Lee Daniels (Precious), Tarantino (Inglorious Basterds), Jason Reitman (Up in the Air)

Directing is one of those things about making movies that I've never really understood. From what I've gathered, a director just makes things work on set. They make the actors act, the grips grip, and the cinematographers cin. Anyway, they're a rather important aspect in making movies... I suppose. It's also a shit ton of work being a director, and if you're not ready you're movie will turn to shit quicker than a seven layer burrito from Taco Bell. Tarantino is known for being... well Tarantino, and I feel like he should get an Oscar as a sort of lifetime achievement award... in about 30 years. Reitman and Daniels, meh, you're not going to win, sorry. It really comes down to Bigelow and Cameron. Now I hated Avatar, it was really quite a piece of poo, but you have to give it to ol' Jimmy. Mr. Cameron really put together this behemoth and made it work. But then again, he is James Cameron, and if anyone could get away with a $400 dollar budget, its him (if not before than certainly now). Not to mention what Avatar brought to the table in terms of effects and blah, blah, blah. On the other hand we have Kathryn Bigelow, a rather unknown director who has been behind such gems as Point Break (!!!!!1). Now people on set are going to really listen to James Cameron, really get behind his direction because he's JAMES FUCKING CAMERON and NOT Kathryn Bigelow. Hurt Locker had such incredible acting in some parts, and the main character, uh, my god, so good. When I started writing this paragraph I was going to go with Cameron, but, fuck Avatar.

Supporting Actor/Actress

Nominees: Matt Damon (Invictus), Woody Harrelson (The Messenger), Christopher Plummer (The Last Station), Stanley Tucci (The Lovely Bones), Christoph Waltz (Ingorious Basterds)

Nominees: Penelope Cruz (Nine), Maggie Gyllenhaal (Crazy Heart), Vera Farmiga (Up in the Air), Anna Kendrick (Up in the Air), Mo'Nique (Precious)

Chistopher Waltz was one of the greatest villains I think I've seen on screen in a long time. Every scene where he would show up I was literally holding my breath in anticipation of how evil he was going to be. The fact that Matt Damon is on there is silly. For some reason I saw Invictus (see: earlier blog), and he reminded me of a piece of wood, with a bowl cut. Honestly I haven't seen the other three movies, but whatev, Waltz is gonna win anyway.

Now on to the ladies. Up in the Air was good, pretty slick, but other than Clooney, I wasn't really digging the other performances. Same deal with Gyllenhaal in Crazy Heart. Although she might have been sold short by a bum script. Haven't seen Precious, but I heard that Mo'Nique is solid in that, so I figure the Academy will go that way. Still Anna Kendrick held her own against GC, and she played her part well. I'll go with her for the long shot.

Leading Actor/Actress

Nominees: Jeff Bridges (Crazy Heart), George Clooney (Up in the Air), Colin Firth (A Single Man), Jeremy Renner (Hurt Locker), Morgan Freeman (Invictus)

Nominees: Sandra Bullock (Blind Side), Helen Mirren (The Last Station), Carey Mulligan (An Education), Gabourey Sidibe (Precious), Meryl Streep (Julie & Julia)

I'll start with all my single ladies this time. I actually haven't seen any of these movies... so I guess I won't be giving my pick. Bullock got her Globe, I think the academy will give it to the rookie Sidibe.

On the guy side I've seen all of these movies but one (A Single Man). All of these gents put on some fine performances. Freeman was probably the only good thing about Invictus. Jeff Bridges was great in The Wrestler II aka Crazy Heart. Renner blew me away (get it?) in Hurt Locker, but seriously he had some really great stuff. Clooney had a rare turn in Up in the Air where he gets to shed some of his Mr. Cool for a little vulnerability. This one is a tough call. For some reason I feel like the Academy is going to go with Bridges, who is the man so that's cool. I however am going with Da Bomb aka Jeremy Brenner. Two bomb jokes in one paragraph! Noitch!

Best Picture

Nominees: Blind Side, Avatar, Inglorious Basterds, Hurt Locker, Up, Up in the Air, District 9, Precious, Serious Man, An Education

So The Academy opened up the nominees for best picture this year to 10 films. That's pretty insane. It was to make more room for genre films after many believed The Dark Knight was snubbed of a nomination last year. So here we are, with ten films that may or not be deserved of an oscar nomination. A lot of good flicks on this list, and I'm glad to see some of my favorites of laster year are getting recognition. District 9 was great, a lot of fun, and lush with creativity and originality, but it wasn't perfect nor the best. Blind Side and An Education I didn't/will probably never see. Inglorious Basterds was better the second time around, although it was an interesting theater experience and my first real Tarantino film (not counting Death Proof and yes I missed the Kill Bills). Up, like I said before really tugged at all emotional strings possible. Up in the Air was slick but not exactly the best. A Serious Man still has me thinking. I thought it was a perfect entry into the Coen brothers line-up. Very interesting. Fuck Avatar...

It's hard to pick just one, but since I promised my picks, I shall present you with a pick. I am rooting for many films, but I want to see a win from Basterds, which I felt was an all around great piece of film making. Hurt Locker is a VERY strong second, and I wouldn't mind seeing District 9 sneak away with a statue. The Academy has a hard on for Avatar, so that's that.

Fuck Avatar

Free Sample

2010-01-11T03:30:00.004-05:00

Here's a little free writing I did a few months ago. Thought I posted this, but I guess I didn't. Not necessarily about anyone or part of anything. I just found myself with the inspiration to put some words on some paper. Dig? So I present to you with the following untitled piece:

--------

“Tell me a story”

A phrase that I heard on more than a daily basis, but the first time I had heard it come from my niece’s mouth. The first words she had said to me beyond the initial, shy hello. Five years ago my sister consummated her marriage to a guy I have barely met with an event that I would rather not ponder about. This aforementioned unmentionable event would lead to a niece I had never met until today. With the way information traveled these days, via video messages and megapixel photos I feel like I’ve been there since her first step. In reality I’ve been 3000 miles away.

“Mommy says that you’re a story teller”

True, by definition I did tell stories. At least I liked to think that my assortments of words on pages could be taken as stories. In reality I told stiffs in suits words like ‘high concept’ and ‘franchise’ so I could then turn out a hackneyed retelling of one of 100 stories. All so I could line my pockets with more unnecessary paper. You want talking monkeys who sell real estate? Got it. A love story between *gasp* two women, with a twist that one is really *OMG* a man? Sure, I can do that. Some say that what I’m doing is called living the dream. I call it purgatory with a six figure salary. I eagerly await the day when I can actually tell my own stories, so why not practice with a willing and eager audience.

“Okay,” I said, pushing the flimsy plastic straw through the tiny foil hole, as though I was drilling for apple juice, “But don’t you want to, uh, play or something?”

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell a story to this little human who happened to share a fraction of my genetics, it’s just that at the moment my mind grapes had been thoroughly squeezed. My brain was filled with stats for a Playboy article regarding the swingers scene in L.A. Meanwhile I was redrafting some sort of shit motorcycle street racing p.o.s. for Paramount. Apparently the kids were all about racing their motorbikes these days, who knew? Not exactly material appropriate for a five uear old. Plus I was perfectly content at ogling the myriad of MILFs who littered the area. Sufficient payment for an afternoon of babysitting while the parental units did the typical sightseeing.

“Play? You mean like swing and stuff? That’s for kids.” Five years old and she was already too old for something.

“Sure, swing, slide, you tell me. You know it’s been a while since I’ve been five,” I said, sliding the juice box across the table like some sort of kiddy bartender, “You’re never too old to have fun ya’know.”

Her soft blue eyes flitted across the playground with a general look of disinterest. How dare this little scamp stick her nose up at this place, it was like the Fischer Price version of Vegas. Hell, if it wasn’t likely to get me tossed onto some sex offender list or more likely into the hospital I’d be swinging across monkey bars and barreling through those plastic tunnels like a mad man. But to each their own.

“Alright then, a story it is,” I said with a theatrical clearing of my throat, “Any requests?”

There were none, so I began to spout off a rather tired concept about a little girl having to go on an adventure. A rare fairy tale about a lass of peasantly status rescuing a trapped prince. A perfect package with equal parts magic and prince and heroine hand-holding. Little girls still liked this crap right? I could tell by the way her young face began to crinkle like an old hag that my assumptions were grossly incorrect. There was an almost immediate interjection.

“Is this story about a girl just because I’M a girl?”

Yikes. This pleasant afternoon in the park was quickly turning into the pitch meeting from hell. That familiar feeling of stomach unbalance that usually led to quick-toed thinking began to creep up my spine.

“Well-” I tried to explain myself

“I’m five and three quarters you know, I’m not a baby. So don’t treat me like one.”

Sweet zombie Jesus! This young one had some sass, certainly a trait bestowed upon her by my sister and one I had nearly 20 years of experience dealing with. Perhaps this wasn’t my niece at all, and simply a plant from one of the studios, trying to pick my brain for free… bastards. Or maybe I was on some sort of reality, hidden camera, Running Man type program. No, I’m not that lucky to be treated with instant, undeserved celebrity. Like usual, my mind had drifted off course like an untethered dingy. Back to the firing squad.

“I figured I’d test you, see what you were made of.” I laid out the mental challenge, knowing that few cocky youngsters could resist its bait, “Obviously you’re a bit sharper than I though. Bet your Mommy and Daddy are proud of that.”

“Sure,” she said looking at the ground. Her attention momentarily diverted by a few skittering ants, “But why is the main character a girl?”

The same afternoon sun that was turning her East Coast eyes into slits was now burning on my back. This, amongst a long list of other reasons, was why I chose not to procreate. The Questions.

“Since you’re obviously above the whole princess saves the day type thing, I’ll give you something a bit more adult”

I could almost hear her perk up at the words. Nothing glowed more brightly for a youngster then the promise of seeing or hearing something ‘more adult’. But now I had worked my way into the ropes against a kid. Sure I had an infinite amount of stories that were adult, but nothing nearly appropriate for my Mom, let alone my five year old niece. As a failsafe I’d have to preface this with a phrase commonly uttered by uncles at family parties and fathers on fishing trips.

“Yeah, just don’t tell your mother about this. ”

Flux Vector

2009-12-21T23:31:00.005-05:00

Avatar. Everyone has been talking about this bad boy for a while now. People seem to think this is the future of film making and that it is literally a piece of instantly classic cinema. Seriously, people are all wet about this thing and are going crazy for it. It was nominated for a fucking Golden Globe before it was even released! And if you don't like it, beware the mighty lynch mob of uber fans (just see how they attack Doug Benson via twitter after he said he didn't like it). So one must ask, does the man that hates all films enjoy the supposed most important film of our time? What follows is a brief summary and review of Avatar. I would say that there are spoilers, but if you don't know the story after watching the first ten minutes of the movie, then I would recommend you leave the theater and complete your grade school education. None the less... SPOILER ALERT!

Here's a brief timeline of my pre Avatar feelings. My first impressions: I thought it looked stupid, didn't like the character designs, and overall wasn't impressed. As more and more trailers, teasers, and co-branding shit came about, my enthusiasm about James Cameron's masterpiece only grew weaker. Then came the reviews. This thing was, supposedly, legit. I figured it was something I had to see, if only to see the nutty 3D Imax bullshit.

Here's a brief synopsis of Avatar. Okay so there are these marines, led by Ari Gold and Guile from Street Fighter. They want this metal called unobtanium. Seriously, its so rare they just named it sofuckinghardtogetonium. They also renamed kryptonite as antisupermanonium. So they want this rare metal (20 mil a kilo!) and there is a big fat lode of it on this crazy little planet called Pandora. Surely nothing can possibly go wrong on a named after a bitch that fucked mankind for eternity with her curiosity. So Guile and his merry band of space marines are just gonna go in and make a shit ton of money right? Alas my friend, there are tall, blue things in the way. Tall blue things with ARROWS!

For some reason, the evil space marines decide to try and use super science to solve the problem of the angry native. They use this super complex technology to transport the consciousness of human beings into their own personal blue things, hence Avatar. Their plan is to learn about them via assimilation and then bring them down from the inside or some garbage. This raises several questions:

1) With the ability to transport consciousness into different bodies and travel lightyears through space with cryfreeze, where did the marines put their weapons? With this kind of technology shouldn't the miitary have some insane shit? How could tall blue hippies with rocks possibly pose a threat to the army of the future? They really need to learn their secrets/become friends with them?

2) Is Sygorny Weaver the most unattractive creature on all planets? Seriously, she's fucking ghoulish, even as a blue tiger-man. Yes tiger-man, calling her a tiger-woman would be an insult to tiger-women everywhere.

So anyway the paralyzd marine guy, I'm sure you've all seen him in the trailers and he's so generic its not worth going into his character, gets to be one of these Avatars. After several loosley threaded together set-pieces, the marine guy (Jake) finds himself face to face with the hipster chick of the blu ray tribe. Seriously, this tiger-woman has gauged ears and feathers in her hair. Total hipster. She doesn't kill him because she wants to fuck his brains out. Seriously, I could practically smell those tiger-woman pheromones... perhaps it was really 4D? SO after the tree of life gets its seeds all up on Jake's business, Hipster is convinced that he's totally chill. Mom and Pop, the village shaman and leader respectively, aren't so keen on this Jake guy (surprise!). However, after a montage in which Jake learns how useless a bow and arrow are and he tames a flying lizard, the blue people think he's totally the shit... well maybe like 80% the shit. The town joke still thinks he's totally lame.

To go on a brief tangent, the amount of phallic symbolism in this movie is insane. Big guns/spears are rather standard but Avatar goes a step further. The pokemon of pandora are 'controlled' when the blue folks put their hair pubes (note, not pube hairs, literally the pubes of their hair) into their ear holes. Which is quite strange. I chuckled the first time Jake rode his dragon bird with its head looking like he was straddling a massive dong. I could probably write a paper about this is A) I cared or B) wanted to write a paper (see: never). As part of the climax, Jake trades his bird-dragon pokemon in for an EVEN BIGGER BIRD-DRAGON COCK!

I really kind of lost my train of thought there... At some point there is Jake on Hipster alien sex. Then the marines try to blow up a big tree, fail, and get beaten by the ewoks. Somehow I like the ewoks better then the blue guys. My entire life I've been told to root for the space marines, and even though I suppose they were the villains here, I was really hoping they would get that hardtoaccsessonium.

In brief: Avatar is a turd wrapped in a glittery, sparkly, expensive package that is so mind numbingly beautiful you really don't care that there is a turd inside. The dialogue is a fucking laugh riot, the story is stock and boring, and the characters are rather forgettable. Does it deserve critical praise? No. NONONO. Is it a fun, corny action romp? Yes. Bring the barf bags if you see this in Imax. Bring your mind altering substance of choice if you choose to see this anywhere.

Final Verdict: See it in theaters, because when this hits home video its really going to get neutered.

Carrot Juice

2009-12-14T14:44:00.001-05:00

Someone I found myself at the theater watching Invictus yesterday. After pondering for a moment, I deduced my reasoning for arriving:

1) I was napping and Fred came in and asked me if I wanted to go see aforementioned movie. So, post-nap confusion may be to blame for this lapse in judgement.

2) I was also the last car in the driveway, so I would've had to of moved my car anyway... so I ended up moving it all the way to the parking lot at the Americana.

After adventuring through the mall, discussing mall based zombie attacks and jerking around the Lov Sac salesman, we bumbled our way into the theater. Popcorn was purchased. Fuck loads of popcorn. So much god damn popcorn. If you can eat a large popcorn, then get a refill, and even eat a single kernel, then perhaps you should consider investing in corn. So popcorn was distributed amongst the three of us via some boxes that the popcorn jerker was kind enough to give us.

Anyway, on to the movie. I had about

0 expectations for this movie. You might even say I had about a -2 expectation for this movie. Deep down inside I have a sore spot for cheesy sports movies. All the Rocky movies, Rudy, Victory, hell even that one about the Eagles with Markie Mark. All those flicks are alright in my book. With the sport of choice being Rugby, at least I would get to see a sport on film that I've never seen before... however this logic could be quite flawed had the movie been about cricket, or... like swimming or some shit.

Considering you probably don't want to read a review, dig these notes:

- There was a preview for some Mel Gibson movie that takes place in Boston. I'm really fucking sick of every movie giving people from Boston over the top Southie accents. Seriously.

- I know nothing about Rugby. Here's what I've gathered from Invictus

~ Apparently there is a lot of grunting and shoving. All while holding hands.

~ If you've got a really little guy on your team, you can use him in a sort of fastball special type maneuver.

~ There is a lot of field goal kicking. I imagine it is similar to another foreign sport: Canadian Football.

~ New Zealand has a team called the All Blacks, despite having no Black players. (Note: They did however have a large Samoan type looking dude.)

- Nelson Mandela had a fucking tight wardrobe. He either wore suits, pimping silver shirts with crazy patterns, or Cosby sweaters. No wonder they locked him up, they feared the social upheaval that his stellar wardrobe would cause.

- Morgan Freeman looked more like Admiral Ackbar than Mandela.

Overall I gave this thang a C+. See it if you must, or if you really like Matt Damon. However I imagine if you're that big of a Damon fan, you've already seen this thing a few times. Cheers!

Airstrike

2009-12-09T22:14:00.004-05:00

Remember when I said I'd be continuing that movie list? Yeah, fuck that noise. A) No one cared (including myself) and B) I realized I hate every movie anyway. Literally it's so rare that I see a movie I like. Don't think I'm being a pretentious (bleh) film snob, because really I just hate most things. People, movies, smells, areas; literally out of everything I like, and I'm being generous, maybe 35%. There are so few things in this world I like, it's astounding that I haven't gone all 'Falling Down'. However, recently I have discovered something I actually do like, beyond Call of Duty and masturbation of course. In fact, if you had told me I would have enjoyed this thing before I had experienced it, I would quite possibly of spat, maybe even spat upon you. But alas, here I am enjoying the toxic wonders of MTV's The Jersey Shore.

Yep. I said it. I enjoy this astounding piece of American television like a guido enjoys a protein shakes and fist pumping. The constant seesaw between hilarity and toilet filling nausea is like nothing I've ever experienced before. On one hand, the show is a terrifying freak show; displaying to the world the very reason why America is destined for the shitter faster then an evening of El Pollo Loco. While these fine 'guidos' and 'guidettes' may seem like rare beasts, they are growing in number and I can tell you that my generation is leading the league in douchiness. Invest in Jager and Red Bull now because that shit is going to go through the roof (if it hasn't already)

Being able to observe these alien, Affliction clad, orange skinned beasts from the safety of my couch is perhaps the point of redemption that makes the show enjoyable. No longer to I have to venture out to 'The Club' and get my ears blown out by shit house music while I scream a 'conversation' to a girl who looks like she applied her make-up with an Oozinator (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s830U1ckE6A&feature=related). Its almost like MTV read my mind and took all the garbage out of the Real World and just handed me a 45 minute peep show with an alcohol content higher than The Hoff's blood and more tribal tattoos than there are actual tribes. The best part? I don't think these people realize what train wrecks they are. A choice line of dialogue from one of the future members of MENSA was: "This work (t-shirt shop cashier) is below me. I'm a bartender."

Indeed.

So let's all raise our glasses and stock our bomb shelters, because honestly 2012 is looking pretty good right now.

ABC Must See Movies: Episode 1

2009-10-16T17:35:00.006-04:00

Alright, so a little change of pace in terms of this blog. Since I don't really have a job yet (internship two days a week) I've been watching a buttload of movies. I like to call it research, ya'know, gotta see what gets made versus what doesn't... or some shit. Anyway, since I have seen so many movies, I decided to help you brainless bloggers out by telling you what you should watch. Now before I get to the list, there are some FAQa I must address.

1) Are these your favorite movies?

Hell naw. Some of 'em might be, but I was hoping to go for movies people might not have seen, or have never heard of. Sure I could Back to the Future, but everyone knows that movie is the tits anyway so that would be useless.

2) Will you be doing another list?

Mayhaps

3) Doth there be spoilers in thine blog?

I'll try not to ruin anything. Because that would just ruin things

3) Who is asking these questions?

STFU

Alright, let's begin:

A is for American Movie.

Genre: Documentary

Running Time: 107 min

(Writer, Director, Actor, American)

This flick follows the exploits of a film maker with no experience, no mon

ey, and no clue. What he does have, and what this film oozes is passion. It brought me back to when I first picked up a camera and shot my first 'films' with my friends (Saturday the 8th and Big Time Cops for those keeping score). You'll laugh, you'll look away with shame, and you might even cry. If you have any connection to making films, whether on an amateur or professional level, you'll be able to take something away from this doc. A perfect place to start this list... so like totally watch this one first.

B is for Being There

Genre: Dark Comedy

Running Time: 130 min (according to IMDB... I don't remember it being that long)

(The Swedish movie poster, totally legit)

Peter Sellers stars in this gem about our media saturated world in the role of Chance the gardener. As funny as it is emotional... fuck I really wish I could remember this movie, but it's really dope. It was one of the movies my Dad told me to watch, I'm sure this won't be the only one of those on this list (other Dave Roy recommendations have included Taxi Driver, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and Falling Down). You'll "like to watch" this one.

C is for Cobra Verde

Genre: Badass

Running Time: Just fucking watch the movie, who cares how long it is

(Cobra Verde fucks shit up, and literally just fucks)

Werner Herzog and Klaus Kinski manage to yet again not kill each other and collaborate for this masterpiece of badassness. A guy gets his hand caught in a suger sheather or some shit in tis movie, and Klaus Kinski is in it, so I really don't know what else to say. Plus, did you see that fucking pic?

Alright, I planned on doing more in this installment but I got burntout on the idea. I don't see you doing any blogging so don't complain. I assure you that at some point the other 23 entries will find their way here.

Texas

2009-10-07T23:26:00.010-04:00

The real world. Not like the MTV program, like the actual real shit. Me, you, like other people, we now all have to live in the real world, and do real shit. Unless, like... you're not doing anything or like are still getting that degree. But in a way, as we move on in life things start to get real... like the Real World... that time I meant the MTV program.

Moving on. So now I live in Glendale, CA. Its pretty tight, really tight actually. Cool house, with some very legit people. It's a house too, with a backyard and a hammock. Totally the

bee knees. More explanation will come with these PICS:

Here's the living room, and the entrance. Pretty standard, although notice the windows because this house has about infinity.

TV. Notice the X-Box already rocking its way in there. No cable, maximum netflix crushage.

This is Sid. He's one of the tightest cats I've ever come across. He's a bit crazy, gets his creep on a lot. He's like a familiar, you know, those things that like wizards and anime characters have? He'll follow you around, but not be annoying like some cats. He senses when there is someone coming to the door, typical familiar type shit. Moving on:

Kitchen table, also evidence that a female lives here.

Food room.

Roycave. Infinite windows. Ikea bed. Map of Yellowstone.

Door on the right is the closet. Door on the right goes into the backyard. Totally legitimate escape route.

The back yard. Notice the hammock in the back. We also carpet our outside because we are baller status. Also, it doesn't rain here.

A/S/L?

2009-09-03T23:51:00.003-04:00

Don't Get Cocky Kid

2009-08-28T18:09:00.002-04:00

A Rare Moment of Slight Sappiness: A Toast

Here’s to the English garden and the murder room. To the PBRs, the Gansets, the Modelos, and the Gritty’s. Here’s to Atwood’s, to Al’s, to New Deal, and to East Coast. Here's to friends that have come and gone, to those that have never left, and those yet to arrive. to those ominous Dutch Masters and the bitter Olde English. Here’s to sweaty sticky Summers, and the cold and bitter Winters. To trips, to distant lands, and to places not on any map. Here’s to Batman. To the Lions, Crusaders, and Sachems. Here’s to dragon slayers and ticket payers. To bike rides to nowhere, and burritos in the square. Here’s to heartbreak, and missed chances. To strokes of genius and flashes of inspiration. Here’s to category fives and Saturday girls. To the nights we never wanted to end, and to the mornings we never thought would come. Here’s to the hog. To a local wizard and a soulful ninja. Here’s to neighbors both in proximity and in mind. Here’s to the world champs, and to those who were nearly perfect. To deadlines met, missed, and moved. Here’s to Koopa Troopa beach. To the hundreds of thousands of virtual lives lost. Here’s to Cadbury Eggs and indestructible friendships. To freestyles, open mics, and good talks. Here’s to 2012. To one more round, just one more round. Here’s to full tanks, and empty glasses. Here’s to safer travels.

Here is to all of those souls who have rested their head, imbibed, relaxed, let their hair down, or just sat back and took it all in.

Here is to the apartment we’ve called our place, our crib, our home. Here’s to Fulkerson.

I'll Turn this God Damn Bus AROUND!

2009-07-29T17:19:00.012-04:00

There and Back Again II: A tale of unemployment

I awoke this morning and there was a stirring within. My inner hobbit was lusting for an adventure. Motivation was quite low. No real errands to run, nothing really to do, I decided to just go to Sweet Touch.

(Figure 1.1 - The Inner Hobbit stirs.)

The usual. Rita is the truth. Big ups to the staff at Sweet Touch in East Cambridge. From there, equipped with a large iced coffee as a source of fuel, I boarded th

e twisted hydra known as the Green Line. I didn't even know where I was going, I had a brief notion of book but that was it. Where would this mechanical Charon bring me? Surely the fates had an interesting tale in store for this young adventurer?

(Figure 1.2 The demons of the T [disguised here as pleasant beings] torture unlucky patrons with their hellish cacophony of string bass and xylophone.)

The green line is always packed with humanity. So many people riding

in a metal tube on a hot summer day: not really worth the 1.50 or whatever

it is their charging for that sideshow these days. Out of need for escape from this dank aluminum tomb I leapt from the train at Copley.

Rising to the street I became confused as to where I was. Always so much construction going on with this T stop it seems. Library became point of orientation. More

on the library later. My first stop was going to be Newbury Comics. Several reasons, 1) I could strut down Newbury street and pretend I had more then a Lincoln in my pocket (penny or five its your call reader!) and 2) because they have mad cool things there that only I would buy.

Few thoughts whilst walking down Newbury:

- Chill bitches your don't live in NYC or LA. So just slow your roll.

- On that same note, you may look like bitches but you still beautiful (oh snap!)

- Opening my backpack would be like opening a sharks stomach. You could tell where I have been and all that science junk. ''Let's see... his macbook, a half eaten

powerbar, looks like a receipt for an iced coffee.... hmmmm".

(Figure 1.3 - Obligatory pic of cat w/ text)

They didn't have the droids I was looking for at Newbury Comics. Fought off an impulse buy: Season Two of the Batman Animated Series for $9.99! Realized I could never possibly stay focused to watch all those episodes, plus the nerd is already strong with me, so I backed off.

A twist in the story. Where to go now? I roamed the streets in a humid haze. The beacon that had guided me out of the darkness os the T was shining again. The Boston Public Library, you'll never find a more retched hive of knowledge and literature. So many characters within this palace of pulp. All races/classes seek the public knowledge of the library: old people, olde people, muppets, children, wizards, wizard children, goblins, and Asian

s. I wandered aimlessly before getting a map. So the library map blows. Obv

iously librarians doth not make sturdy cartographers. Oh shit, why didn't anyone tell me they had comics here! Take that real books... although there is something weird about getting comics/graphic novels in a library. It's like the porn of literature...

So anyway as I'm waiting in line to check out some... literature... (yeah, a line at the library, take that capitalism!) and while I'm waiting I see security and this crazy guy having a verbal scuffle. Apparently the man claimed the guard was making up rules, and that the rules themselves were the unfair. Perhaps he had a good argument. Who knows, although security did not look amused. I think authorities were called.

In front of me in line was a little Asian girl... maybe 6 tops. She was checking out, and I fucking shit you not, two SAT prep books. Sweet zombie jesus, I almost had to pull a Will Smith in Men in Black and check this little bitch. Who's she kidding with that garbage? Good luck kid, you'll probably save us all from Galactus one day.

(Figure 1.4 - Bow before the mighty Galactus. Wait, is this guy in a bathrobe?)

Moving on. I decided to continue onward towards the Garden. Not the stadium, but the nature one. Duck boats, tourist... *shudder*... people just enjoying the hazy day. Why must people patronize the tree rats? Gross... do you people realize not only are these creatures stupid and annoying, they're also taking valuable food sources away from the crackheads who more than share the Common with them. Please, don't feed/take pictures of/lick/love/or solicit for sex the god damn squirrels, anywhere, but especially within the parks of Boston.

(Figure 1.5 - A local Squirrel gang displays their 'gats'. Squirrel on squirrel crime has been on the rise since the 1990's)

Making my way into the common I found a tree and meditated under it. Whilst trying to decide my route home, I spotted a lemonade vendor. Most excellent. I was sceptic at the hefty price of 3$... and my predetermined good more 1$ tip. Like they said on the X-Files, the truth is out there. In this case the truth was in this lemonade. My god it was quite top notch.

My wanderlust lead me through Beacon Hill... perhaps my adventures are determined via property value? I noticed a rather expensive looking car (make and model data has been lost) with a driver standing, arms crossed by back against the hood. Sure signs of someone famous. A quick glance in some high end deli (?) yielded no paparazzi oppoutunes. I would have investigated further had the rather surly looking driver not been an orge stuffed into a three piece Armani. Carry on, carry on.

Back to the T. However, the Red Line is a far fairer beast than its green brethren. Denied by the human slicers; insufficient funds... grumble.... With funds restored, I zipped across the river. With the sun waning, and a low cloud cover I had a sense there was a storm a brewin'. I hustled home, where I then recounted the events to you. I then reread about one third of this post before getting bored and starting searching for appropriate, maybe, pictures. Upon finding said pics, I posted them to this blog.

(Figure 1.7 - A being of unspeakable power known to many as God. Oh wait, wrong picture. LOL!LOL!OMGLOLOLOL!)

Once the blog was posted, I sat briefly, contemplating the importance of said blog. After a solid moment of hesitation, all parties determined (you, the reader included) t

hat the importance of tis aforementioned blog accounting a tale of a rather uninteresting and uneventful day to be_

Captain of Industry

2009-07-14T14:55:00.003-04:00

That's my new super hero moniker. Captain of Industry. Seriously I've been selling shit I don't use anymore via the internet, and people give me money. It's crazy, like I have a job or some shit. All I have to do is put the shit in boxes and bring them to the post office. By the way does anyone know of a cheap/free place to get small boxes? I'm talking like, only about a couple inches by a couple inches. I've heard rumblings of free boxes from the post office, I'll have to ask next time.

"Suns out, girls are out, Malator is around somewhere. Maybe he and I will grab a beer later"

Be on the lookout for Local Wizard updates as we near the launch date. It's going to be a pretty monumental piece of cinema. It'll make you laugh, cry, scream with ecstasy and it's all in HD. Seriously, when is that last time you've seen me in HD? Fuck real life, this is HD. HIGH def. Shit, you'd think 3D President went to school for this shit or something...

This pic was taken in Paul Pierce's personal suite at TD Garden. Me and The Truth are twitter friends :)

2009-07-12T16:20:00.002-04:00

I'm back on the blog steeze. Blame twitter. No need to tell you what happened in the void of non-bloggage. It isn't important, obviously considering nothing that happened recently has warranted a blogging. I figured I should start this thing up again, maybe someone will see how HIGH-LARIOUS I am and give me one of things I've heard so much about.... I think they're called jobs, or hobs... yobs?

Went to a wedding recently. Pretty tight. Hard to score with the single ladies when all of the groomsman are army dudes wearing uniforms w/medals. Makes it impossible for an unemployed writer to compete against someone who's probably killed a couple dozen people for America. Still good times.

I've gotta focus the ol brain grapes, get things back on track writing wise. I have about six different first drafts of first acts for three different projects. Gross. I'm going to start setting an alarm in the morning, rejuvenate the circadian rhythm. Three tough words to spell.

Epic Strikes Again

2009-03-31T19:25:00.002-04:00

Short Version: Macklin and I went to the Celtics vs. Thunder game on Sunday.

Long Version: Sunday, around two pm I went on the celtics blog. There I saw a hyperlink(!) for Paul Pierce's twitter. Clicked it. Paul had just twitted a message along these lines: Come to the players parking lot at 4:30 sharp wearing my jersey, I got five extra tickets to give out. passcode is truth. So at first I figured it probably was fake. Then about an hour later I figured I didn't have anything better to do, so if it was a joke, at least I

could say they didn't get me.

Anyway, I convince Macklin of this being a good idea and he comes along. T almost bones us, but we get to the lot at about 4:28 and there are already about 5-7 twitterheads already crushing. We wait. We doubt. 4:30 comes, and on the dot a black on black range rover appears, bumping beats emitting from the insides. Some think it's Garnett.

Then the rover pulls in, stops, and the window rolls down. Its th

e captain and the truth, Paul Pierce.

"What's the passcode?" He asks, not pulling any punches and apparently no time for small talk.

We all yelled truth! and he handed us tickets to his personal box. Suite 534. Get it?

Nothing was catered or anything, but the seats were still incredible. Plus we had our own bathroom. The suite basically went wild every time Pierce scored. During the comeback I was going crazy/being drunk. So awesome. Thanks Paul, that was the shit... damn

Dungeon Master

2009-03-23T17:28:00.002-04:00

Just crushed some work in the ECL (Emerson College Library for al ya'll not hip to the lingo). Anyway, its good. Got work done better and faster then I usually do, so that's a plus. Also a professor said I blew her mind today with my script outline for Red that I thought sucked. Must have been the airship race and/or the dragon fight. Yeah, shit gets nutty in that one. So now I'm sitting here in the lib, rocking Iron Maiden real hard over the earphones, constatnly paranoid that my headphones aren't plugged in and I'm just blasting shit through the entire building. Whatever. Mad fly hunnies in the library per usual. Probably why I've increased library visits recently to maximize work as well as face time. Gotta get out of 9 Fulk more. Cabin fever real hard. This cold snap is snapping me right now. Just need to play ball sports, and ride duo man powered vehicles. I've gotta focus up like a little bit so I'll break it off here. Real brief, but time is money these days and probably for remaining days, in the B Roy camp.

Return of the Jedi/King/Library Book

2009-03-12T22:12:00.006-04:00

Some more shit happened while I was in Quebec. More beer was consumed. One night we ordered (well Simon ordered... French) a 4 litre pitcher of this 9% beer. The waiter told Simon, in French, nice knowing you. Truer words were never spoken. Matt ended up disappearing into the night, and Simon and I stumbled after him. I awoke in my own puke, fucking classy/close to death. It is apparent I can't go to a foreign country without coming close to death (if you haven't heard the other stories, ask me in person... shame).

(As a side note, this is Duane Allman not me... yeah fuck that)

Matt and I sadly had to depart the land of French speaking goddesses and headed south. We stopped off for a night at the farm in VT. Complete nothingness always feels good. Drank whiskey, smoked cigars, and talked... well I talked while Matt texted (literally the kid was like a crack head after not being able to text in Canada). Good times. Plann

ing a return trip (it's true, check the guest book at the farm, it's in there).

Going back to Fulkertown tomorrow. Hopefully Macklin and Dougal didn't burn down the place. I have faith... kind of. Not much time left there. Hell not much time left on this coast... shudder at the thought. Many years ahead, it's hard not to be scared. Get amped on life, get amped on the future. Where we're going, we won't need roads.

Viva Quebec

2009-03-07T18:25:00.004-05:00

Well Watchmen sucked. Just thought I'd get that out there. If you want the full rant, see me in person. Fuck that shit... I don't even really want to talk about it. Maybe 15 minutes of quality in that two hour and forty-five minute abortion.

Blogging from America's hat, aka Canada. But I'm not really in Canada, I'm in Quebec city. Last walled city in North America or some shit. Also, they want to be their own country, and not be run but the Queen. Been there, done that... like 300 years ago. Anyway, we're crashing at Mur-dog's boy's crib. His name is Simone, he hates Canada more then most Americans (for instance, when Murray had to get a disposable camera at a souvenir shop, Simone had to leave the store because of all the Canadian shit) , speaks French, and races ostriches. One of those facts is false.

Last night Murray and I arrived just in time to start crushing, and crushing we did. Simone had to order our drinks for us non-frenching folks. Of note: girls here are bangin', but they don't want to/can't speak the english... such torture. Good thing I speak the universal language of love. Word. Hit up some real tight bars, and didn't get bounced despite Simone breaking two glasses in one bar. Also, Murray's other camp homie John 'Francis Ford' Coppola is here. He got really drunk, and booted this morning due to hang-overedness. Big ups to him, I've been there... all too often actually. We were actually driving to breakfast and Simone had to pull over so he could yak. Good looks.

Today Simone gave us a tour of this fine city. We saw a huge ass waterfall, a sick island, and did a walk through the walled city. Tight. We ate poutine. The sidewalks here are really fucking icy, due to daytime meltage and night time freezage. Makes drunken walks home trecherous. I thought I was pitching a perfect no fall game, but according to Murray I bit it last night (and I fell like earlier today). This explains why I punched a snowbank, and awoke with cuts all over my knuckles... silly

Strawberry Fields

2009-02-26T20:23:00.003-05:00

Thursday evening, you know where I'm at. Right now we're critically listening to the Fab Five. Fucking real tight if you ask me. Professor just mentioned the panning sitar. I once wrote a paper about the effect of the sitar on western music. Basically I'm a hippy. Is there such a thing as neo-hippies? Why not right? Sort of like a new wave of hippies that aren't as lame, but still border on being free spirits.

Been trying to get back into the game recently. Tickets seem to be on a limited basis, but I've got my name in the lottery. I think I realized today that I enter this bizarre cycle. I was going to explain said cycle, but A) I'm lazy B) My professor keeps looking at me and C) Strawberry Fields forever.

Also check out my twitter, I pretend I'm the best nation in the world, and I'm friends with Shaq: twitter.com/usausausa

Peak Levels

2009-02-19T19:38:00.003-05:00

I was sparked into blogging this evening after seeing an albino man on the train. Such a curious sight that was, and it made me realize that he has to deal with the same shit Hank McCoy aka Beast does... except with all the sweet shit Beast gets. Best of luck to you my new albino friend, don't let those sentinels catch ya!

So I'm in that same torturous class aka Critical Listening... curr

ently we're listening to the Boss aka Bruce Springsteen aka American Pimp aka Barak Obama 2000. Seriously... the Boss. This is the third four hour class i've been to and I still have very little idea as to what is going on. My sights keep lowering on the goal grade. We're somewhere between C and passing right now. If I get anything higher then that, then it would be quite butter. Showed up mad blizzy today and was treated by listening to this crazy 20 minute soundscape thing. Word. I fell asleep due to its hypnosis.

Duel wielding Matt birthdays this week has led to a massive birthday bash tomorrow. 9 Fulk is throwing its first theme party, and the lucky choice is white trash... because the Matt's are mad trashy. Come and drink beers and do things you wouldn't do with your boring friends or family. Or bring those boring fuckers, I don't care.

So last night Murray and I went down to East Coast Grille to have a few beers and wish Dougal a happy on the job birthday. We downed a few brews and bought a six pack of PBR tallies for the kitchen. There was mutch rejoicing. We were then punked by the kitchen when they gave us some 'mild' wings on the house. They turned out to be hell wings, which Murray and I attempted to finish just to spite them. Beer became an even better friend, as Murray and I stayed after they closed (they literally took the handle off the door so no one else could get in, just us and the crew). It's good to be down with the crew at a local restaurant (especially a gnarly one like ECG). Happy Birthday Dougal later showed up back home completely trash-headed, apparently he was so wasted that his boss gave him a ride home stating that Dougal was 'too drunk to walk'. Haha, good looks. Hopefully young Murray will follow suit. Always good to mess with the drunk birthday lads.

I want to start reading more, but I seem to have a 3/4 completion problem. It happens with video games too. I'll get almost to the end and then I lose interest and just form my own ending. Maybe it's the writer in me wanting to create rather then to have it spelled out for me. Eh, whatever. I tried to start the Watchmen philosophy book today but I couldn't get my brain in there, too dense.

Phantom

2009-02-10T10:36:00.003-05:00

Shit hits the fan sometimes, and sometimes that shit misses the fan completely and hits you in the face. Kind of like when your eating a banana and the peel keeps sliding down and slapping you in the grill. It sucks. It's unfair. It's frustrating. It's life. Sometimes it can be really sweet. Carpe Diem my friends. A bit cliched, but few truer words were ever spoken. Respect your fellow man. Learn. When life comes a peel slappin' just slap it right back. Don't waste your gifts.

On a lighter note, I'll be escorting Dave Hyde to the BC/Clemson game this evening. Should be sweet. According to Dave we have some pretty word seats, so I'm amped.

Last night was Bob Marley Night at East Coast Grille. 9 Fulkersons made an appearance and got the VIP treatment thanks to our man McDoo on the grill. Bomb food. I got the whole Red Snapper. We all split some apps and crushed Red Stripe. Sweet, chill atmosphere which is really awesome for a higher scale joint. The waiter told us we could smoke weed in the bathroom... jury is still split on whether or not he was serious... Mad duckets were dropped. Worth it.

Monitor Lizard

2009-02-02T16:38:00.004-05:00

Once again I'm blogging from the corner of Tremont and Boylston aka Emer-gunz College. Right now I'm in the two hour purgatory I have every Monday where I don't have class but don't have enough time to run back home. So I chill with How-Nutz in the dark room. Sometimes I run errands. Whatever.

Superbowl happened yesterday. Pretty meh until the last four minutes. Then things got a bit nutty, but in the end Pittsburgh ruled the day. Questionable call with the Warner fumble? Perhaps. Would it have made a difference? Most likely not. Always next year. Some solid commercials, but I'm really amped over the trailers that were shown. G.I Joe, new Transformers, Up, Monsters vs. Aliens, etc. While some of those sound pretty lames I'm still amped to see them.

(Bryan Roy and his bevy of casino whores)

I went to Connecticut this past weekend with a bunch of Manchester heads. Friday night was gambling at Mohegan Sun. I ended up +18 after several hours of craps. Great game that gets even better when the table gets amped. "C'MON SHOOTER! C'MON SHOOTER! LET'S SEE THAT HARD TEN!". Word. I was down a good 40 bucks at one point but one of my boys rolled some fire and hooked me up, leading me to a 70 dollar gain over two rolls. Baller.

(Toad's Place: not pictured, the drunken messes inside)

Saturday we went to this club called Toad's. I had only heard myths about Toad's, and it has garnered a somewhat legendary status. Basically it is this huge, multi-storied dance club that is in the middle of Yale, Quinnipiac, and Southern Conn. campuses. Add in the fact that it is near long island, and I think you get the idea. Many new haircuts, many slutty sluts. Anyway, the idea is to get really fucked up beforehand, then just dance and be ridiculous. This may or may not have happened to me. For you see, the last thing I can recall is handing the bouncer my ID, then ordering a drink my friend had mad with the bartender called 'The Goatskin'. Apparently at one point I got stuck outside, possibly on the roof. I also flipped off a girl, who came over and started to yell at me. According to eye witnesses, I then cracked a joke as the chick yelled at me, defusing her anger. From here I guess I made moves. Drunk game FTW! Long story short, I ended up getting kicked out of the club (collectively our crew had four members get kicked out). The details still need to be ironed out, which is tough considering there were very few conscious witnesses to what happened inside Toad's. Most notably I would like to know why my left leg has been all fucked up since... good times.

Inter-league Play

2009-01-29T18:41:00.002-05:00

Blogging from the frontline, aka 180 Tremont St., aka class. Critical Listening is the beast. Obviously I'm failing at the entire concept, as I am in fact not listening at all. Livin' on the edge, only about 15 peeps in here, so I don't have much cover. Brutal four hour stretch in one little windowless room. Freedom can't come soon enough. Check that chick out in the front row. Word. She digs me. Haha. You can't see her but I can.

Getting picked up from class by a squad car of homies. Ted, Dougal, and Howley are gonna roll wit me to the theater to see Outworlder. Its a movie about a guy who crash lands his spaceship in the middle of 500BC. He joins up with Vikings to battle an alien monster that is chasing him down. Check out the summary online somewhere, it's going to be BRUTAL!

If you have your mixer up real loud, you'd have very little bass in your mix. It's true, he just said that shit. God I hate this class. My blogger brethren, stand with me in my time of weakness. Our human hearing response is non linear! NO!

Blargh

2009-01-28T15:37:00.004-05:00

Unpleasant. That is the word I have settled on for my walk to and from school today. So heated that Emerson felt it would be legit to have classes today. Many error messages were going off as I trudged home. Cold, wet, hungry, sleepy. Many a negative.

Anyway, a new 9 Fulkerson has emerged! Everyone can welcome Matt 'Murderface' McDougal into the Fulker Fam. He now occupies the murder room and is a cook over at the East Coast Grill. So next time you go to that spot, buy a round of beers for the kitchen staff. They like to crush. According to google and yahoo, this is what good ol Dougal looks like:

Google:

Yahoo:

Silly search engines, he is neither.

Pure Product

2009-01-12T20:47:00.004-05:00

Interesting day for New England sports. Interesting because there was a lot of ancillary news that didn't directly effect New England sports nation (well one of them did). First off, Young Blood Joshy McD is headed to the mile high city to coach the Bronc-hoes. He will fail. As much as I like the guy, no apprentice to the master has succeeded on their own. Romeo went to the Browns and flushed the franchise down the toilet... like... well... a Cleveland brown. Weis fucked up at ND, and Mangina is just a bitch, so fuck him. We'll see how that goes.

(Power Mustache)

Next up, a pair of Sox waltzed into Cooperstown today. Career Boston player, and all around good guy, Jim Rice snuck in there. Good for him. Also, Ricky Henderson stole his way into the hall (get it? hahaha crappy SPORTS humor). Ricky is going to be the only player to re-enter the league after getting into the hall of fame. Mark my words.

(Ricky Henderson celebrates after stealing home during his son's little league game)

Let's go Celts, c'mon now. Anyone want to hit up a C's game later this week and or next week?

In on the Blitz

2009-01-11T13:59:00.007-05:00

Snow has fallen. I awoke this morning and was immediately conscripted into shoveling duty. Not something I particularly mind, but is was really quite cold this morning, frost on the whiskers type stuff. As Commander Roy scraped the snow off the roof, I was put in charge of the driveway. Reinforcements appeared in the form of Colonel White and his snow blowing machine.

(Thor expresses his love for Winter)

Shoveling gives me time to think. I was thinking about. how low the quality of life in New England has gotten. When I left in the summer to go to LA things were high. The economy had yet to plummet, the Pats were looking at burning down the NFL, the Celtics had just recently hung their 17th, and the Sox were going to coast into the playoffs... kind of. Now, the Celts are slumping almost as bad as the economy (although at half they are ahead of the Canadian Dinos), the Pats missed the playoffs, and the Yankees are fortifying themselves with the biggest pocket book in history. WTF. I suppose thats all I can say is WTF. All that remains constant is that I still dominate the Manchester clix scene.

Have I ranted in a while? I suppose not. hmmmm, what's pissing me off these days.... The whole club scene kind of grinds my gears. I hate going to clubs/bars where they play music too loud. perhaps that makes me sound a bit cantankerous, but it's true. My hearing isn't the best, and I don't typically raise my voice... like ever, so to me this sucks. I would rather be able to converse over a nice pint (ala the Atwood's scene without the live music). I also hate the whole meat market aspect of the club/bar. 90% of the people at these places I immediately dislike. Maybe it's just me passing judgement, but all the dudes come off as douches and all the chicks come off as petty slags. Also, paying 5-7 dollars for something that I could get for literally pennies sucks.

(Exhibit a: a pack of wild guidos prepare for multiple insertions)

(exhibit b: seriously?)

(exhibit c: smirking goblin entices a couple slags with his exposed chest.)

Just not my scene, nothing against the people who like it... well people kind of. I would consider myself a party man (someone who enjoys parties, not to be confused with a party animal). This kind of scares me however. parties exist post college? If so how far? I really lost my train of thought with this rant, so ask me in person about it, I'll probably have some more fire power.

Spinning Wheels

2009-01-07T16:11:00.002-05:00

Here it is, the year 2009. So far so good. I hope you all ate your lentil soup last week so that you have a profitable and prosperous NEW YEAR. NYE up at UNH was a good time. Many beverages were poured and almost as many were consumed. Much falling down and Dick Clark staring ensued.

I've been reunited with 9 Fulkerson and have completed the move in phase. Jeffguy left some very usable material in the room (lamp, TV, surge protectors, etc.). Good guy. Always will be a 9 Fulkerson. Anyway, I've been crushing a lot of X-Box. Mostly Call of Duty 4 (I also roped DMJr back into it and the 9FLK clan has been ripping it up). I also have been playing Fallout 3. A lighthearted romp through post apocalyptic Washington D.C. Pretty sweet game. I get to fight mad mutants.

Big hopes for 2009. The end of the beginning and the beginning of the end. Only the future ahead of me now. A bit scary, a bit enticing, and quite sexy. Many sexy times will be had in the future. Let's hope the Celtics get the message. THE YEAR OF THE OX looms on the horizon.

(lame blogger won't let me post piccccccccssssssss)

Picked

2008-12-28T17:02:00.005-05:00

It's been a while since I've dropped some blog knowledge on ya'll. I wonder how many times I've said something like that in this blog, most likely quite a bit. Sort of a fall back intro. Anyhoo.... I had a solid X-Mass and I hope all of my faithful readers did as well. Got some good loot, saw the family, etc., etc.

Watching mad NFL right now as I battle a cold/flu... rooting for the Jets? Weird. Pats should be in the playoffs, just look at the Cardinals, they fucking blow and so does the rest of their shit division. Celtics are on a losing streak? What? To quote Dave Roy: "I really hate the fucking Lakers" (this was an unprompted statement more then 24 hours after the Lakers had beaten the C's). The Celtics played worse then they could have and received approximately negative 15 calls. I'm pretty sure if Rondo had farted the refs would have T'd him up.

Howley and Cassandra were supposed to come with me to the Murray Family Holiday party today... but as soon as they made it into Manchester, Pat's jeep bit the dust. So him and his lady headed back to the Winch and I went back home to sleep/watch pig skin (I'm not going to drag my sick head to a party by myself... sorry Matt). They were also supposed to give me a ride to Fulkerson, but now my mom/dad is going to drive me down on the morrow. So get at me if you're in the bean, there are still some fools (aka Hyde Brothers) who I haven't chilled with in a while.

I had a rant about something... but it has been long forgotten. For some reason I thought it was about plastic bags... but that couldn't possibly be right.

High Speed

2008-12-21T15:30:00.002-05:00

Snowed in.

Traveled by foot up to Sweet Touch for breakfast, only to find it was closed. Trekked back to CCS and crushed an omelet. Good Times.

Pats! Oh my. Matt Cassell is a animal.

Snowed In.

What I've learned from Video Game Vol 1: Boss Battle

2008-12-12T02:24:00.004-05:00

I was driving yesterday, well stuck in traffic really... because... well this is LA and that shit happens all the time. So anyway, I was thinking about how I'm a pretty decent driver, like better then most of the asshats out here. I pinpointed the source of this skill from my years of playing videos games (most notably Mario Kart and Grand Theft Auto). This gave me an idea for blogging, a series of what I've learned from video games. So, like the title of this entry states, here is volume 1: Boss Battles.

Like every good video game, life is full of boss battles. You can't save the princess without sending a few Bowzers into the lava if you know what I mean. Over my 21 years I've slayed my fair share of bosses (Andross, Gannondorf, the Death Star, etc. etc.). In the real world I've also faced my fair share of boss battles. School has boss battles, we call them exams, finals, etc. There are also those random boss battles that come out of nowhere, but you can always count on them. At my internship with only a few days left they gave me this monstrous task. I had to call everyone in my bosses blackberry and get their email adress if he didn't have it. This ended up being like 100+ people, probably more. I did get to call some famous people (and/or their assistant) like Neil Gaiman and Robert Kirkman (wiki them and you'll undestand my ampedness). Boss Battle if I ever saw one.

So think about boss battles. Not only will you find out I'm right, you'll be ready. And trust me, once you get to level 7 you'll thank me.

On an unrelated note: Bruins are good, Celtics are really good, Pats will make the playoffs, and I'll be back on the East Coast in approx 30 hours.

Also, here's a picture of House. I hate that fucking show.

Aftershock-ing

2008-12-06T17:34:00.002-05:00

Last night I was sitting here on the couch, baked, when suddenly everything started to quiver. At first I thought I was having a stroke or something, something was certainly wrong. Everything shook just a little, like when you're on a stationary fishing boat and a little wave comes by.Then it was over.

I survived my first earthquake, a womping 5.1 that originated 120 miles away in the desert. Word.

2008-11-30T04:34:00.003-05:00

Here's the thing about getting tanked while in LA. There are a few things that differ from the East Coast:

A) A designated driver exist. This is because no public transportation exist, and taxis are not cheap. Also everyone in LA owns a car, so someone HAS to drive.

B) More hot chicks = more douche bags. It's true. Simple equation really. More dudes overall, but also higher douche quotient.

C) You know you're at a dope spot when Dave Navarro shows up. Someone they let us into this tight club. Cary Clark and the Roy. WTF? Anyway, Dave Navarro showed up. He falls into the douche category.

D) It doesn't get cold here. Ever

Talk More

2008-11-29T19:38:00.002-05:00

Bling, boom.

Thanksgiving was good. Met some chill folks and ate some fresh bird with all the fixins. Good times all around. Had a philosophical talk about Toy Story. Watched the worst team in Football get beaten like children.... Lions = most depressing football team (ranked very high on the scale of unintentional humor).

Was bored today. Drove around. Drove past the drain used for the motorbike/truck chase scene from T2. Also drove by the office used for The Office. It actually has a Dunder Mifflin/Vance Refrigeration sign.

Heres a new idea for an episode of TV's MADE. I want to be made into an elementary school student. Good joke potential with this MADE program on the MTV. Take note. Also been watching a lot of Lockup these days.

I think I saw Kevin Federline

2008-11-26T00:08:00.003-05:00

So I haven't blogged in a bit. Figured I should splat down some info as I sip on a little G&T. First off, I'm watching Generation Kill right now on HBO. If you haven't checked it out, I would say to do just that. Makes me think of my boy Tully. Good shit so far through episode 1.

Anyway....

This last weekend was Gemma's aka my roommate Joe's girlfriend birthday. So we went to her beach house for a little shindig. Shot fireworks off on the beach. Cursed at the Pacific Ocean. Drank adult beverages, and touched a prime time Emmy Award.... for costume design... but still. Also ate at this DOPE ass burger joint on the beach. Emphasis on the dope.

Wow! I just heard some thunder! Weather happens!

Turkey Day is coming up. I'll be spending the day at Cary Clark's crib. I'm in charge of bringing a pumpkin pie (according to Csquared, "not one of those broke ass Albertson's pies, like a good pie, a Whole Foods pie, the good shit"). Well I'm gonna one up him. I've already scoped out a local bakery and am picking up a pie from them tomorrow. I'm also bringing a bottle of wine that I bought today at Target (chill, it's an okay wine... regardless of where I purchased it).

Look for me on the East Coast soon. Fuck the corporate world.

Taking the Red Pill

2008-11-14T21:15:00.004-05:00

Hyde, you can ask Murray about what happened. I'm just too lazy to interpret it into the blogosphere and add my usual humorous spin on it. But, since I'm not a complete butt, here is a brief rundown: Griffith Park Observatory, Hollywood Blvd, couple of bahs, chillin and illin by the pool/hot tub, Venice Beach.

Today I entered the matrix. Here is a picture of me in my matrix armor. I was also the pink dude on the screen in the background. Check out Sid the Science Kid on PBS, maybe some of you jerk-offs will learn something.

Got out of work a bit early so I get to watch more of the C's game. Legit. Tough loss for the Pats last night, hopefully the Truth and Co. will right the New England ship. I like watching sporting events that take place in or around Boston because they show shots of the city. Makes me happy to see the motherland.

Here is a belated Halloween pic. Check that stash!

87 Dog Couples

2008-11-14T00:26:00.003-05:00

Pretty nutty last couple days. Matt Murray made a cameo appearance this past weekend. Got in some solid adventure. Random recap: Rosco's Chicken and Waffles at 2a.m., it was nuts, mad good chicken, they had bouncers.... ill spot, other stuff happened.

Missing out on ill Celtics basketball. Went to a bah to watch the Pats game tonight. Many disciplined Pats fans, two obliterated Jets fans. Tough loss, but a good game. RANDY! Cassel, 68 rush 400 pass 3TD, first player in NFL history to drop those stats. Dang

Give Matt Murray some love. He broke his leg.

Almost forgot! I was standing behind E from Entourage today at Starbucks. Word. And tomorrow I get to don a motion capture suit at work!

2008-11-05T03:29:00.004-05:00

Here's how my Tuesday started. I wake up, eat breakfast, and take a shower. One more step until I go to the office... make lunch. So I got a new turkey package in my hand, and the seam won't open. Simple solution, use a knife to open this shit. A sandwich must be made! Oh snap the knife I used betrayed me and sliced my finger open! Worst cut I've suffered life time. I know I'm not a bitch or anything, but I alerted the sleeping Joe Harris that I may or may not need a ride to the local medicine man (i.e. emergency room). Ten minutes later, I get the bleeding to stop and I'm on my way to work with a napkin tunicate. Buy some band aides on the way to work, show up late... lame...

Mad broken ATMs everywhere in Hollywood so I can't buy lu

nch. Don't want to use debit card, and need cash. Opt for coffee lunch. Free Starbucks FTW! Typical LA grind on the way home, and I have to piss mad bad once I get in the grind... lame. So granted, bad start.

Obama wins. Celts win. I win. Here we go. Hopefully our new president doesn't turn out to be an alien or some shit. Yes we can!

Also of note. The security guard at Henson who I talk hoops with is a Rockets fan (discovered after wearing my Pierce jersey and he gave me a positive response rather then the typical LA garbage v. The Truth). I may have just lost my only hoops connect in LA... worth it.

Bucket List

2008-11-04T02:26:00.002-05:00

Time to start the Bucket List:

1) Write a screenplay that gets made into a major motion picture.

2) Live in a foreign country for an extended period of time.

Work in progress. Like Asteroid Man.

Band on the Run

2008-10-31T19:10:00.002-04:00

You ever go to turn on the radio hoping that you'll hear a Beatles song? But like, a good Beatles song? And then you turn on the radio, and there's actually a good Beatles song on? It's kind of like that.

Halloween today. HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!11!!. Dressed up as a old school hoops player. Went to work, where there was mad 'stumes. Not much work was actually accomplished. It commenced early.

Found out my rental car has sirius satalite radio. Only took me two months.... Pretty money being able to listen to most types of music. 5 TECHNO STATIONS!

A Hiaku:

Tonight, All Hollows Eve

You're Joker costume sucks dude

Eat Candy drink beer

The Truth

2008-10-29T01:34:00.003-04:00

Wow. Tight ass win from the Celtics tonight. I nearly jizzed on the juke where Paul broke off The King at the knees. Also, Tony Allen, Neon Leon, and House all looked pretty money. 18 looks good, but it's a long season and it sure as hell won't be easy. I look forward to getting back to Fulkerson and crushing Cs games in the dungeon.

I've been pretty busy lately. Just finished a serious homework sesh. Finished a big load of shit that is due tomorrow that I had been putting off since September. More work looms on the horizon. Started writing a short story about a Boston sports writer who comes to LA to cover a Celtics roadtrip. Gets his world all shook.

Henson remains to be tight. I saw the Jonas Brothers today at the studio. Apparently they have an office on the lot. Good for them. Last Friday I had to save off the internet, print, and bind about 2000 pages on manga, and that is probably an underestimation

. I learned many things about mangas that day, many things I never wanted to learn. Here are a few: A girl will get her tit grabbed no matter what the subject matter of the book is, likewise a guy will get hit in the junk at some point, titles have little to do with subject matter (I printed out one called Ultra Maniac that was, as far as I could gather, about high school girls...), most of them suck ass (at least from the few pages that I read). One stood out as pretty kick ass though. If you're looking for some tasty artwork that is unlike anything I'v really seen before, check out the manga No. 5. I couldn't tell you too much about the story but it looks beautiful (you would be amazed at how many scans of manga are online, just do a search on google and check it out, I'll break you off a sample)[well I was but blogger is being lame on me, just check out mangafox, you can find it there, you're just going to have to believe]

I was going to rip off Hyde and start a bucket list, but this blog came out rather solid without it. So I'll save that for next time.

The Real Deal is BACK

2008-10-24T01:24:00.003-04:00

Haven't had a legit brain dump in a while. Speaking of dumps... you ever drop a deuce that is so substantial that afterwords you feel weakened? Like perhaps you shouldn't have released that much material from your body at once? Its shitty! AHAHAHA!

Anyway, my physical controls are all befuddled. This is due to the fact that it is statistically fall (hence world series, Halloween, football, etc.) yet the weather is summer (it was in the 90's every day this week). I suppose that's what you get for living in the desert.

Traffic here is crappy, just like you read about. It isn't always crappy though. It's an unpredictable slopfest. I blame this on the fact that Los Angeleans don't use directionals. Also because there are no sidewalks, no public transportation, and no one carpools (except for me, Roy 1 LA 0). I kind of hate this place (Roy 1 LA -1)

I mentioned the Celtics today and got negative vibage in return. I forgot where I was.... Laker town. Fuck that shit. NBA next week. Sweet. Can't wait to get back home and have games be on at regular times.

Shot a podcast for the Henson yesterday. Weird to shoot things when puppets are involved. Learned about how the lot is mad haunted by ghosts, including that of Charlie Chaplin (used to be his studio).

I thought I had something to write, but I guess I don't. I'll see ya'll in December. There will be a regal feast followed by a jousting match, then we shall consume much mead. Hurrah!

Into the Seventh

2008-10-14T22:47:00.001-04:00

The most important wiki in the league:

http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Muppet_Wiki

Kage

2008-10-09T02:54:00.000-04:00

Anybody else seeing these new NBA 2K9 commercials with KG? Fucking hilarious.

Bailout

2008-10-07T21:14:00.002-04:00

Some quick notes from the left coast:

- Experienced a category 5 on Sunday, after a rather lackluster Saturday night (as far as I can remember)

-Saw a dude today wearing an Inglewood High Pierce jersey. Word.

- Playoff beard has commenced. Go Sox

-Halloween is approaching. Currently accepting costume ideas. I've got a few banging around in the dome piece, but its good to hear from the fans.

- I don't get Columbus Day off, but I get Yom Kippur off on Thursday.

-You can smoke weed here, but you can't drive and talk on your cellphone.

I like this place, but I look forward to coming back home. December 13th. Mark that shit on the calender as Return of the Roy.

There and Back Again: A Sox Fan's Tale

2008-10-03T22:14:00.002-04:00

Since Hyde complained:

So I was sitting at my desk on Tuesday afternoon, on my lunch break, my morning coffee coursing through my veins. I decided to, as a joke, see how much tickets were for the Angels/Sox game. I had jokingly (see: drunkenly) agreed with a fellow New Hampshirite and Sox fan over the weekend that I would go to the game if the tickets were under 100 bucks (alright, a little much, but...). So I find out decent tickets were $60. Sixty Dollars for a playoff game? Surely you jest. I could only figure that this was because A) The Angels don't have any fans (more on this later) and B) Angel Stadium is, in fact, not Fenway Park and can seat more then 100 people. So I call up my friend James, the aforementioned New Hampshirian, break down the situation and with zero convincing he's on board.

Fast forward to Wednesday, October 1 4:00pm. James and I hit the road to Anaheim. Now the game doesn't start until 7pm, and Anaheim is 45 minutes away, but this is Southern Cali a place where traffic controls mere mortals. Two and a quarter hours later we arrive at the enemy HQ aka Angel Stadium. We are greeted by a sea of red, as I blast Dirty Water and Dropkick Murphys and find a place to park. We were decked in blue, I in my Youk shirt, James in a straight up Sox shirt. I was floored by the lack of Sox fan, apparently the nation is not as strong in the West as I had imagined. However, we suffered no insults (well not until the sox were winning). Obviously not something that would happen at Fenway where away fans might as well be Al-Qaida.

A nail biter for the first few innings. Lester looked shaky, the defense holding him up. Then Jay Bay (Manny who?) launches a two run dinger, and the faithful start to make themselves known. Let's go Red Sox chants would spring up, and battle with the halo's fans own chants. We were few, but we were mighty. As I mentioned before Angels fans are weak: 1) They didn't ridicule us (in fact I received more threats about the coming basketball season, and how Kobe was going to embarrass us), 2) They started to leave after the 7th when the game was still only 2-1 Sox. WHAT!? This is the post season people, trying to beat the traffic? 3) The mass exodus only continued as the Sox went up by two more. I know for sure, this wouldn't happen at Fenway.

As Pap was hurling 96 MPH heaters over the plate, The Nation had officially taken over the home of the Halos. Jacobi played like a champ. Youk punked Vlad after duffing a ball. All great moments. Not only was it an experience to be an away fan, it was an experience being able to see the Sox in the post season. As James and I drove back to LA, our hands raw from clapping and our throats soar from cheering, we agreed that this could quite possibly be our only chance to see the Sox in the post season. We then agreed that it was well worth it.

Here's to a Sox/Dodgers World Series.

publish post

2008-10-03T00:57:00.002-04:00

So I went to the Sox game last night. Full detail has been emailed to associates. Contact them is you haven't seen it. I'm pretty sure anyone who reads this should know one of said party.

I like this Michael Cera kid. He brings the Roy stock up. Keep making movies my man, more power to ya, maybe we can hang sometime. Hit me up.

Come on Down...

2008-09-27T22:22:00.002-04:00

Someone at the weather headquarters is a South Park fan, or at least isn't a total feeg. The last two male names for storms have been Ike and Kyle, the Broflofski brothers! Damn those jews and their storms.

II

2008-09-25T02:10:00.000-04:00

Well, it looks like I'll have to be number II...

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1360685/

Torture

2008-09-21T20:02:00.003-04:00

Fucking Dolphins. Really these fish heads always have the Pat's number. What made it worse was having to watch it with a Dolphin fan, not just a Dolphin fan, but Jake Long's (aka the first pick of the NFL draft) girlfriend... brutal. At least I got to see the game.

Void

2008-09-21T05:46:00.000-04:00

Hollywood = no

LA = win

College don't mean SHIT!

2008-09-20T01:56:00.004-04:00

That's a quote from Samuel L. Jackson ladies and gentlemen. Otherwise known as the second most valuable box office actor (out of all the movies he's been in, all of them together are second only to) Harrison Ford. So if you want to make money with your movie either cast a) Harrison Ford b) Sammy L. or c) Vinny Chase, jk. Anyway, Hollywood, I live there now, and I have been absorbed into entertainment culture. As much as I try to ignore that fact, it's true. I go to work, where I read scripts and do coverage (at Jim Henson Company, so there is the occasional puppet battle), thats 4 days a week. The other 1 day I take classes about movies. Then on the week days I come home, and since we have very fucking channel, I watch movies. MOVIES. Also, right now I have the final draft for Inglorious Bastderds (sic). Hollywood baby. Watch out for: Asteroid Man, Part Time, Pass the Buck, and other real deal shit (this shit may not hit the screen ever). INSIDER info. This is where I work:

Also, peep this: http://blogofhilarity.com/the-11-best-film-moments-of-samuel-l-jackson-yelling.ht

Throwback

2008-09-10T22:38:00.010-04:00

So I was sitting in class today, watching a movie (because I go to Emerson), and I was thinking. If Dark Knight was shot in the golden age of cinema (50's-60's), who would play the leads? So, here goes:

The Joker: Jack Lemmon

A comedian by nature, Lemmon could easily fill the shoes of the Clown Prince of Crime. His role in Some Like it Hot show that he can take on another persona. His idle chuckling fits with the character, and his face has that constantly creeping smile. Throw on some messy makeup (again, see Some Like it Hot) and this he's a shoe-in.

Harvey Dent/Two Face: Tony Curtis

Lemmon's partner in crime in Some Like it Hot. Tony plays the straight man with the pretty face. Who better to play Gotham's White Knight? His ability to flip from goofy stooge, to serious and stiff jawed shows his potential to be, well, two faced.

Jim Gordon: Gary Cooper

Two words, one movie: High Noon. Gary is one bad ass mother fucker who won't watch his city turn to shit. Sounds like Gotham's finest cop on the force to me. Throw on a mustache, a badge, and good 'ol Gary becomes the Commish.

Rachel Dawes: Grace Kelly

The chick. The tough chick. Kelly's got the chops. Opposite Cooper in High Noon, she hangs tough until she can't anymore. The damsel in distress, who can also stick up for herself. Plus the movie needs a good looking broad.

Lucius Fox: Sindney Poitier

A strong African American actor. Back in the day, there weren't exactly too many of these guys around. Sidney could bring to life Lucius, much in the same way his predecessor Morgan Freedman did. Plus he's, you know, Black.

Alfred Pennyworth: Buster Keaton

Who else could play Bruce's aged, witty, companion and mentor better then Buster. Sure he'd be old, but his years of silent film work would suit him perfectly for the job as Wayne Manor's silent guardian. Give him a few clever jabs every once and a while, and Keaton would run away with the role.

Batman/Bruce Wayne: James Dean

The man, the myth, the legend. The one who passed before his time. Dean has both the youth and maturity to hold up the mantle of the bat. He can play both sassy playboy, as well as serious badass. I mean, Batman pretty much is a rebel (although, with a cause).

Agree? Disagree? Have now idea what I'm talking about? Discuss!

Torn

2008-09-07T21:32:00.001-04:00

I awoke early this Sunday morning after a typical Saturday night so that I could catch the west coast airing of the Pats. They played the Jets/Fish game instead. Lame.

Brady gets injured. Lame.

Brady out for season. Now I'm tearing up a bit.

BBQ.

Got It!

2008-09-05T21:18:00.002-04:00

Figure 9.5 - Jim Henson's newest intern.

Beat LA

2008-09-05T15:02:00.002-04:00

After my interview yesterday, Cary Clark swung by and Joe and I joined him on a voyage to Santa Monica beach. Fucking tight, both the beach and seeing my man Cary. Water was nice, perfect temp, unlike the Atlantic. Got a little gummed up by harsh LA traffic on the way back. No biggie, just had to roll with it.

Missed the NFL game due to cable malfunction (the repair man showed up at 8am this morning... thanks). But that was probably for the better since I didn't have to see the Giants dancing around with their unwarrented trophy... those fucks.

Had another interview today at 11.30. This one was with Dark Horse (film division of the comic company). The waiting room was fucking loaded with Dark Horse books, real tight, nearly jizzed. Entered the bosses office, he had a couple copies of FEAR Agent on his desk. Good sign. Interview went alright, didn't kill it as hard as I did Henson... we'll see. Did get to drop some comic knowledge, and the guy reciprocated, which was good. Duties seemed more interny here then at Henson (copies, phones, etc.), and he seemed put off by the fact that I had to return to Boston in the winter and that I hadn't had any office experience. Seriously, I'm a senior in college, I think I can manage making copies and answering phones. Maybe I just read him wrong. We'll see, good to have more options.

Muppet

2008-09-04T14:00:00.004-04:00

Quick update. Interview this morning with Jim Henson Productions. Such a tight place. Imagine an office where map props from sweet movies, along with mad puppets are just chillin. Cool people. Job sounds totally legit. Think I might have a good chance at getting an internship there. When asked what my favorite movies are I said Die Hard and Empire. Guy interviewing me was stoked, also his two favorites.

On the way back I was so amped up I missed my turn and ended up driving around Hollywood for an extra 20 minutes. Passed Kat Von D's tattoo shop.

hOLLLLLLLLYowoowowowoooood

Alaskan Family Values

2008-09-04T00:41:00.002-04:00

First full day here in Hollywoooooood. Kicked it off right by waking up with a champagne hangover due to night one celebrations. They sell beer and champagne in the apartment complex store where I live. Not really an apartment complex, more like a village. Lots of child actors live here as well, much to Joe Harris' chagrin. He hates the kids and likes to talk shit whenever we pass one, regardless if they're an actor or not.

Anyway, so we were hungover and needed food. Obviously In and Out Burger was the answer. Place is the fucking truth. A fast food place that only sells burgers and fries, can't go wrong.

Los Angeles is a fucking crazy place. Where I live right now is a crazy place. I'm no more then a five minute drive from the following: Universal Studios (the actual studios too, not just the theme park thing), Warner Brothers, NBC, and Vivid Entertainment. Have yet to see any famous people.

I live at the Oakwoods apartments in Burbank. Rick James died here. His ghost haunts our apartment.

I wish I could write coherently right now, but there is too much information for me to relay onto the blogoshpere. I'll have to spin most of these tales in person, 'round the 'ol bonfire.

It's going to suck having to come back to winter in New England. The weather here makes me angry because it doesn't get cold. Someone said I'll be wearing a winter coat by December. I said I left my winter coat in New Hampshire... you know... where it actually becomes winter.

Interview tomorrow at Jim Henson. My first foray into the world of entertainment. Yikes. Hollywood.

Hula Hula

2008-08-08T23:53:00.003-04:00

Day 7?

Alright, yesterday (8/8/08) was one of the most ridiculous days I have had in a long time. Super Asian Day. It started off with me going on a solo mission to The World Cyber Gaming Asian Championship 2008. It took me some effort to find the place it was at, not because it was difficult to locate, but because to get to the convention center where it was at, I had to traverse through a labyrinth of (believe it or not) malls.

Upon entering exhibit hall 402/403 I realized I had come to the right place. Booth girls, low lighting, gaming rigs set up everywhere, and the smell of hundreds of Asian gamers (a fine mix of Red Bull and body odor). There were massive rows of computers that I referred to as 'The Pit'. Here there were some intense battles of Counter Strike and Warcraft III (although not the actual game, but the custom game called Defense of the Ancients. If you've heard of DotA then welcome fellow nerd). I took a seat at the main stage just in time for a FIFA quarter final match. The kid who won seemed pretty nasty, however I later found out that he dropped out of tech school to pursue gaming full time. His parents must be proud.

This was followed by the Singapore finals for virtua fighter 5. Good battle between some nasty players. Never played the game myself, but these nerds looked particularly good. Winner pocketed 600 beans, a TV, and a trip to the nationals in Germany.

I grabbed some food and returned in time to catch the finals for Age of Empires III. Hard as fuck to watch, but one guy got owned in what looked like a pretty lopsided match. All through these matches there were these douchbag announcers calling the games. They sucked. I rocked iPod instead.

By this time I had had enough of watching other people play video games so I bounced. Checked out the fountain of wealth. Put my hand in its cool, mystical waters, and headed back to the pad to crush a quick nap before THE party.

Of course the party I'm referring to is the Hula Hula party (Their words, not mine) that my Dad's apartment complex put on. The setting was the rooftop pool, where the 'big surprise' (a hot tub) was revealed. Open bar, mad good free food. This of course led to everyone getting crushed... everyone. Me, rents, housekeepers, everyone who stays at the apartment, and even the building owner Jerry. (of note, a gay dude who we were talking to told my parents to let me go out Saturday night and get someone pregnant... thanks guy. Other stuff happened that I'm too lazy to write about. I'll share tales upon my return) Long story short, I stumbled back to the room just in time to catch the US stumbling into the olympic stadium. This of course was live seeing as China is pretty close by and what not.

This morning was pretty hilarious. Entire Roy squad was experiencing some class 2s maybe class 3s. Great Success!

Pioneer

2008-08-04T06:43:00.002-04:00

Day 2: Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.

Today I journied to China Town. Yep, it looks like there is one of these in every major city, even when you're pretty fucking close to China. That being said, this China Town (or CT if you're into that whole brevity thing) is quite a bit more impressive then the one found at the corner of Boylston and Tremont.

I explored the open markets of CT where wares for sale range from Chinese antiques to ancient Chinese remedies. Since my pops had some sort of rash, we ducked into a Chinese Pharmacist. As pops got hooked up with a magical lotion, I viewed the variety of dried goods (mushrooms, roots, eyeballs, etc.). Sadly I was unable to find any Gremlins for sale... lame.

From here we moved on to a Buddhist temple. I wasn't able to get in due to my basketball jersey (obviously they were Lakers fans), so we just peeped it from the atrium. I'll probably return on a solo mission in the coming days.

Lunch at a food court (basically the standard in Singapore) in CT. We feasted on Fried Carrot Cake (this was neither fried, nor carrot cake, go figure. Delicious though), fruit drinks (I went with sugar cane and dragon fruit), and some interesting roll type things. The food here is pretty unreal, and is definitely something not to be missed.

Bounced back to home base for a quick recharge and pool session. Following this quick interlude, we moved out towards the esplanade. Basically it is this massive theater hall on the waterfront that is known for its architecture (i.e. it looks like a giant durian). However, the Singapore T (aka the MRT) exits at the esplanade into a mall. This isn't uncommon practice as many MRT stations within the heart of the city dump you into the first or second basement of malls (which can generally run to 7-10 floors with multiple basements). Basically it took us 15 minutes to exit this underground ode to consumerism. Not bad considering being inside means air conditioning and not the Singapore heat and humidity.

Exited the esplanade, peeped the merlion statue, and headed off towards this place to get satay. Satay is this form of grilling, Macklin take note, that involves using charcoals and a fan to increase the flames. Small pieces of meat (lamb, cow, chicken) or prawns are cooked on wooden skewers over said flame after marinating for the day. Delicious stuff. However, what makes the satay experience unique is the way it's sold, again Macklin take note. Each stand basically has a guy that tries to tell you their satay. The second someone gets into their view, they immediately try to sit them down and sell them their satay. Of course they are not alone. A nearby food court also disperses their minions who are looking to sell you side dishes (rice, beans, roasted stingray, etc.), and there are a fleet of Tiger Beer girls hawking pitchers left and right. Once you sit down and have your meal, the hawkers vanish, respecting that they have either (A) won your service or (B) their opposition has got you and there is nothing they can do. It's pretty sweet and entertaining experience to watch as you munch on your satay.

Day 3

Mom and I went to the zoo, Dad went to work. I saw a lot of animal dicks today. I wasn't trying to, it just kind of happened. Most of the time they were just kind of swingin' around out there (except for that one baboon who seemed to be... interested...). Moving on from animal anatomy... This was perhaps the most amazing and beautiful zoo in the world. It was like Jurassic Park, but with monkeys and lizards instead of Dinosaurs. This place was wild (pun intended... regretfully). Truly a masterpiece of not only zookeeping but grounds keeping as well. Simply an amazing experience.

Peep the "book" for pics.

Gaijin Smash

2008-08-02T09:01:00.003-04:00

Day 1

Today I awakened at about 9am (pm for all ya'll stateside) and was half-ready for a day of Singapore crushing. Tour guides (see parents) took me to Little India which is basically China Town... but with an India theme... and Indian people. Peeped a temple, had to rock it shoe less Dahlsim style. Yoga flame.

Of note: It is currently The Festival of Hungry Ghosts here. Basically that means people make mad sacrifices by burning things to appease angry and hungry ghosts that have come back from Hell asking for shit. So around the island there are these random burning stations where people are burning everything from incense to money to bananas.

Moving on. On top of the ghost sacrifices, there are about a million smells in this country. Incense, perfume (the ladies around here slap that shit on like British Air Stewardesses)More specifically, Little India has about a million more smells on top of that. There is the typical incense in the temples, the jasmine flowers that the women wear in their weaves, the B.O. of the gents. A bouquet of smells.

So after the temple we went to this massive mall called Mustafa's that's open for 24 hours (malls are like air, they are literally everywhere and shopping is like the national pastime or some shit. They literally love to buy things)... thing. Four floors of nonsense. I found a Labron and a Nash jersey in the chaos. So at least the rep the king and three time MVPs here. Also of note, an infinite amount of bollywood DVDs.

Peace out little India. After this we checked out this Toy museum. Incredibly word. Mad toys ranging from the most rasist (I set of toys from the 30's called 5 nigger boys) to the first issue of the Avengers (I juiced a little over that, then motioned like I was going to break the glass and steal it, the janitor wasn't amused...) to old school robots. Tons of awesome toys here, if you're ever in Singapore (bloody unlikely), and you like old, phat toys check this place, The Mint Toy museum.

We hit up a chicken and rice place after this for lunch. Chicken and rice is seemingly the most popular dish around here. Tight shit too. Pretty tasty shit.

After that we dipped back to the pad and hit up the roof pool (ballin). Jet lag was trying to claim me after the swim so I took a shower to get amped. Went out for dinner at this place called
the Pump Room. It was in this area called Clarke Quay which is basically a collection of bars and restaurants along the Singapore river. While we were sitting there crushing, four copters flew overhead. Three of them were these nasty looking fighter style copters and the fourth was a dual bladed transport vehicle of some sort toting this massive Singaporean flag, literally like a fucking huge flag. Afterwards a squad of fighter jets flew overhead. This was all in preparation for Singapore national day on the 9th. Basically it's their fourth of July, and it gives me a second chance to tell England to fuck off twice in a year!

After the Pump Room we rolled over to Beerwerks for another pint or two, a Singapore version of CBC (Cambridge Brewing Company for those not familiar, although I don't think anyone who reads this blog is). I went for the X Golden, quite the tasty brew. During said brew sesh, four pretty fine looking (if I had to guess Australian) slags saddled up next to us. The parental units and I finished our brews over some light convo and bounced. As we were walking away my mom said, "Oh man were those chicks checking you out" or some shit. I knew it. While crushing, out of the corner of my eye, I thought I could see the aforementioned slags looking towards us, but I thought there was something behind me... mom informed me there was nothing behind me but a baby or some shit. So this moment is either (A) Mom trying to build my self confidence or (B) operation football (aka soccer) hair is succeeding. Too bad the ultimate cockblock (parents) was present. Whatevvvvvvvvssssssssssssssss.

Did I mention there is a shitload of Asians here?

TETSUOOOOOO!!!!!111111

2008-08-01T08:51:00.002-04:00

Arrived in Singapore at around 5pm Friday... here are a few notes before I passssss out:

-Plane ride from London to Singapore was pretty brutal. couldn't sleep. Got drunk, watched Semi-Pro and spilled wine on myself. There was about 13 other hours where I did nothing as well.

-Singapore is hot and humid. Perhaps because its a jungle located on the equator?

-Infinite shopping malls and food courts. Seriously, the shit is everywhere.

-If Asia adopted an American baby, it would be named Singapore.

-Battle Royale is a bad book to read on a plane if your destination is packed with Asian teenagers. Shit gives me bad vibes.

-So many people here. Most of them Asian. It's like bizarro world. In Boston I would see a few Asian people here and there, here you see one or two non-asians every once and a while.

More to come...

It's Official

2008-07-15T14:01:00.001-04:00

I created a gmail account today while formulating my resume. Nothing funny here today folks, just getting the word out.

bryan.a.roy@gmail.com

Check it.

Meat Mansion

2008-07-13T11:12:00.004-04:00

Long time since I've last traversed the rocky crags that make up the blogosphere. A lot of ideas have been kicking around the old bean can these days. I was going to release them in small controlled bursts, but instead I think I'm just going to flush this knowledge dump straight from the colon of my brain into the toilet we all know and love as the internet(s).

Bullet points. Some might be blank, TBA later. You ready for 'em, cuz here they come:

- White Cars. Seriously why would you ever want a white car. No offense to anyone who has a white car, but I just don't see the need (Unless, of course, there was a super hero battle that resulted in the crushing of your car and the only affordable replacement was white). Not only is white an ugly color, it's also a bad color for any upstanding citizen to have for a car. Think of your fellow brother man, when I see a white car peeking all up around a corner at night, I think it's the fuzz. Scares the crap out of me. Do your civic duty and get a green car or something... I don't know.

-People. To quote Daniel Plaineview "Well, if it's in me, it's in you. There are times when I look at people and I see nothing worth liking. I want to earn enough money that I can get away from everyone". Again, no offense, but I don't really like people. Now I'm not saying I'm some social reject, hating the world and all of it's occupants, God no. However, I have this disposition (if that's what you want to call it), that I hate someone until proven otherwise. Sometimes I'll walk into a party and be like, I hate all of these people. If they don't make and effort to prove themselves otherwise, then they still are crappy. If I shoot the shit with someone for a few minutes, I'll have my opinion. Usually the hate subsides, but there is still a large portion of people I don't like. Some shit really irks me, really gets my goat so to say. It doesn't really matter what. If you're one of the 3 people that read this, no worries, I don't hate you or your friends. Or do I? Either way, I drink your milkshake!

-Dream Avengers Line-Up (comics, not movies). Captain America, Hercules, Dr. Strange, She-Hulk, Colleen Wing

-Dating. A while ago I found a drunken note that I had written to myself. It had a few brief sentences about shit I wanted to blog about that night but was too drunk. One of said snippets stated: Roy's dating philosophy. I can remember figuring everything out, how I was going to say shit. It was witty and informative. When I awoke the next morning, all I could remember was 'the corn will unite the kingdoms' (the jury is still out on whether or not that was a good thing). Anyway, this one ties back into the people segment, you know the one where I said I hate everyone. Same things applies to chicks I guess. I really don't like many girls. Don't fucking take that statement out of context, you know what I mean. It's just either they're not someone who could ever be on the same page as me (common) or too similar to me which isn't ass cool as you would think (uncommon). Maybe I'm just living by old standards (like chivalry old), but I'm just not looking for random hookups and shit (despite what me facebook says). There was more thought to this about a month ago when it was conceived, but time passes and it would appear the idea has been aborted. Anyway, tell your cool, cute, single lady friends. Or not, entirely up to you.

-Ideas. I've got ideas for sale. Literally, it's kind of my job. So if you know any studio heads who want to buy some ideas send em this way with your single lady friends.

-Dream JLA Line-Up. Green Lantern (Guy Gardner), Booster Gold, Blue Devil, Power Woman, Stargirl.

Alright, I'm totally spent after all of that. I hope my few courageous readers are pleased.

iLove

2008-06-26T12:14:00.002-04:00

Rant Mode: ENGAGE!

So I was eating break-fast this morning flipping through the tube (PiR had just wrapped up), and I stumbled across VH1. Perhaps you have heard of this channel. If you haven't, it is a television station that was once a music channel. I like to think VH1 started as a Mom version of MTV, you know, what a mom would think music television was.

Well, now, like it's sperm donor MTV, VH1 has ceased its musical programming. Big deal right? I can catch music videos on the youtube(s) these days. Get myself some mp3s and mpegs, don't need no stinking music on my TV. So what fills the void? Assholes, telling me things.

Now this started out as a grand idea, I love the 80s. If there was any generation that is super easy to make fun of (besides maybe the 1900-1910 with all their fancy pants and big wheel bicycles) its the 1980's. Reagen? He-Man? Jaws 3D? Hilarious! Throw in some F-List celebrities and comedians to talk about this shit and you've got programming gold.

So, I'll admit, I'm a fan of I love the 80's. Great concept. I could even buy the spinoffs of 70's, and Best Week Ever (all the other 'I Loves' can eat a shoe). However, VH1 has officially jumped the shark with a god damn rocket bike. Today, I kid you not, I watched I love the new millennium.... the year 2007....

What the Fuck? Seriously? I need a show to tell me what happened literally not even a half a year ago? "That's it, I'm done with this shit" was a direct quote after I saw Jared (fat subway asshole who looks like he's had too many five dollar foot shlongs) talking about the Geico Cavemen. I nearly barfed up my Go Lean Crunch. Honestly, if I wanted to hear about shit that is currently happening I would TALK TO ANOTHER HUMAN. I don't need Cat Von DEEEEE telling me how much she liked 300, or some asshole from Survivor telling me who the 'Liars' from 2005 were. I can tell you who lied in 2005, ME! Because I can remember that far back unlike half of America.

Seriously people, let's take a step back from the glowing box for a moment. We can all talk about current events AND make them funny, without Ant (Z-List "comedian" from NH who seems to get gayer and gayer all the time so he can use his sexuality as a humor crutch) telling us so. VH1, consider yourself(selves?) ranted!

17

2008-06-18T19:12:00.002-04:00

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Worldwide Event

2008-05-29T13:24:00.002-04:00

So last night during the Celtics game I decided to take some notes. This was of course until the second half, when I was pacing like a maniac through my living room, trying not to wake up my mom with swearing and throwing things. So here are some unfiltered game notes, the stuff in parenthetical was added today.:

-KP 43! I would nickname him cucumber, so coooooool.

-Ray "Harvey Dent" Allen, it's a flip of the coin as to who is going to show up. Looks like we got the DA tonight. (nerdy Batman reference, new movie makes it a little easier to understand)

-Look at my boy Bill! Canoodling with an unknown MILF and letting his son take the front row, what a guy. HAHA, 4th quarter he switches with his son, take that!

-Budlight Party Cruise? Sign me up!

-Basketball officials...... weakest, i.e. most human, part of the game.

-Scal showed up in warm-ups tonight! GO GREEN!

-Von Gundy, one day you and I will coach the Celtics together. It's like you can read my mind.

-PJ, armpit touch? Flagrant? no. Flamboyant? yes. You also got boned on a monster block that was called a foul, I still love you, I see you pouting on the bench...

-Where's my boy Powe? House needs more time. Cassel shouldn't play basketball anymore... you look like a child out there.

-Rondo, so you can play PG.... TAKE THE SHOT!

-Under 3 on the shot clock? Where's KG? TAKE THE SHOT!

That's it. Like I said had I taken notes through the fourth quarter there would have been much more profanity, and much less cohesiveness. The Celtics are the most stressful team to watch with a lead. Doc, get on that. Here's to my prediction of the series not going to 7 games...

TOMMY POINT!

Video Tour

2008-05-27T12:57:00.002-04:00

I thought I would move in on Matt's territory by posting about a dream I had last night. I wouldn't normally do this but this is an exception. I literally awoke from the following dream and said, "Fuck, that dream was awesome!". So, without further ado, I bring you Roy's Dream.

Last night I went to bed after a long Celtics game. To be honest I shut it off with three or so minutes left in the fourth. I apparently didn't miss anything as the Celtics finished with the same score. Anyway, so in this dream I found myself riding the Celtics bench. You know, rubbing elbows with Scott Pollard and Scal. So Scal and I are sitting there watching the game, talking about the new NBA video game that's going to come out. We decided that we would probably be no named characters, or wouldn't be in the game at all. Doc overheard our convo and said I would definitely be in it (according to him I was the hot rookie sensation, this year's Rondo, apparently I get signed by the Celts in 2009), Scal would too (fan fave or some shit), Pollard... not so much (we had a laugh at this, because he sucks).

While this was happening, Perk threw down a massive dunk, sending the bench into a frenzy. Scal and I started a "Green, Green, Green," chant that overtook the entire arena or whatever place we were at. I continue to get the crowd fired up, leading to a strong C's quarter, crushing our unnamed opponents. Quarter ends, Rondo comes out, star point guard Roy goes in. Blam! Steal, three, steal, dunk. I was on fire, apparently the game of my life.

Afterwards, Perk asked me to smoke a blunt with him, and Rondo. Obviously he was impressed by my killer performance and, according to him, all the other dudes on the team were too old (there was an eerie lack of the big 3 in my dream, only a brief cameo by Pierce, who I dished a pass to before he mysteriously vanished), and he and Rondo were psyched to chill with someone their age. I never made it to Perk's party, as this is where I was awakened. Bummer.

Too Soon?

Return of the Rant

2008-05-22T23:34:00.002-04:00

So I realized that I haven't honored this blogs namesake in a while. Maybe it's because I haven't been heated in a while, ya'know nothing has gotten under my skin...... enter game 2 of the eastern conference finals.

I think I could some this game up with one word: Garbage. Since I'm so fucking flustered right now, I'm going to just kick out (basketball joke?) some footnotes.

- Tony Allen. This is why Doc is the worst coach in the NBA. You bench Tony Allen for 95% of the playoffs, as well as the last few games of the regular season, only to play him now? I was almost expecting to see Scal out there in his fly suit taking threes. Alright, so they were up, and they need his D. Again, I'm not buying it. One of Doc's hunches I'm sure. Then he stays in as the C's go down by 9. Where's Powe? Where's House? Surely they should be getting some time before Tony Allen? Tony Allen!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Officials: Can you please stop calling the Celtics games like bizarro world Tommy's? Honestly, I consider myself a pretty big homer, but there were some calls in this game. My god... Ray Allen getting absolutely hacked in the last three or so minutes comes to mind. Meanwhile Perk can't make a play without getting a call, but that's because he's Perk and he sux. TOMMY POINT!

- Rondo. Get your head out of your ass kid. Take some shots, you don't need to pass it every time you touch the ball. Plus the blocking the face call? Christ that's something I would have done.

I know I had more to bitch about but in all honesty I need to beat one out, relieve some tension. TOMMY POINT!

Face an Interview

2008-05-19T21:31:00.002-04:00

Back at the homestead
watching high definition
thinking about life

Starbucks finally crossed the line today. They've been keeping out of my sphere(s), but now they're really dicking with my shit. They put in a drive-thru, blocked off my sneak route. Fuck that...

Battle

2008-05-18T12:34:00.000-04:00

Discuss:

Somebody Call a Policeman

2008-05-16T12:38:00.002-04:00

Reggae music on my radio. Makes me want to burn the grass. Might have to.

Solid line-up of events coming in the next few days/weeks:

Tonight - Celts/Cavs game six: Can the C's win on the road? Will KG hug Rajon at midcourt again?

May 24th - Zombie walk: dress up as a zombie, join the hoard, and start munching on the brains of Boston: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=8578907265

May 30th: http://www.wickedlocal.com/cambridge/news/x1902437626/Dunster-Street-closes-for-block-party-May-31-featuring-Dr-Dog

Life is truckeling along right now.

The future lurks just beyond the present and after the past. Lets join up and dance.

Blood Thirsty

2008-05-14T13:45:00.002-04:00

Here it comes.

Returned the books that the BPL requested. Shady guy by book drop off box. Made sure my books were dropped off.

Euro house techno beat danceradio.gr

Good C's gotta beat the Bad C's. They should take some vitamin C, see?

Venture out,
venture in,
all adventures,
just need to begin.

Absolute(s)

2008-05-13T20:06:00.002-04:00

Bumping a little bit of itunes radio. Number 1 reggae.

Done with GTA. Guess I just wasn't cut out to be a crook. Back on the COD4 dragon, chasing it, chasing it. Always, it slips my grasp.

Don't forget your countrymen.

Applied for a job at the cinema. Summer time job as an usher. OO-SURE. Get some free movies up here, that's the plan. Behind the scenes.

Let the blog tell the story, let it be your notepad.

Dumbbbbbbbb

2008-05-10T00:07:00.003-04:00

Just found out about this documentary called We Are Wizards. It's about how people are goin' crazy for this Harry Potter cat. Looked like a solid little documentary so I investigated.

Found out my man Brad Neely was involved because of his crazy Harry Potter movie dub called Wizard People, Dear Readers. If you don't know who he is, swing by superdeluxe.com and check his shit out (or wait until May 25 11.45pm and check his shit on adult swim, seriously rep this shit, the guy is the man). Basically, I think the motherfucker is hilarious and if I could suck his brain of humor, and then use that for my own diabolical purposes, I most likely would.

So anyway, I'm researching this documentary and I see that it's going to screen in Boston. Nice. Cept for the fact that it happened in April... and Brad Neely was there... talking to people and shit...

This caused me to hit my head really hard in rage, on accident. Seriously, top ten people that I would like to meet/pick brain and I missed it...

They Won't Stay Dead!

2008-04-25T12:49:00.003-04:00

Friday morning procrastination is in full swing.

I was reading this morning in bed, with the windows and blinds open. Violin music, just loud enough to hear without staining begins leaking into my ears. Damian is definitely having a sweet sesh right now. So tight.

A new challenger is approaching! It's called the MBTA and it can lick my balls. I waited the other night for 45 fucking minutes for a god damn lechmere train. Seriously, 6 north station trains in a row? Fuck? I booed the T openly, strange looks from other waiters. Everyone was heated.

Such nice weather right now, seems to be the topic on every bloggers brain. I walked around town the other day. Hit up the BPL, snagged some tight screenplays. Will definitely make a return trip (kind of have to, it is the library).

Not much humor this time around. Can't be funny all the time. Enjoy this fine week end. Also, Iron Man next week, as well as FCBD. Nerds rejoice!

Horror-scope

2008-04-20T12:59:00.002-04:00

My horoscope for today, and I assure you that this is real, straight off of Yahoo where I get my daily horoscope:

"You'll wake up with a lot of high energy today, which will keep you smiling all day"

Oh Yahoo, you're so clever. High energy? Smiling all day? Must have the wrong day.

On another note, some old bitch turned 115 today. Became the oldest bitch in the world. Pretty fucked up to be 115. She must have no idea what the fuck is going on in the world. Not necessarily because she is old, but because she's seen some fucking crazy shit. 1893 to today? Fucking A man, that's a lot of shit.

Also, Hyde(s) get off my case, I'll blog when I'm good and ready. I don't want to spoil my five readers.

The Blogosphere Hate Me

2008-04-07T10:33:00.002-04:00

At least according to Jeff 'Periwinkle' Hyde it does. I would assume it is because I haven't blogged out in a while. I wish I had a reason other then I was lazy (I think I was anti-blog for a bit too).

Anyway, I was thinking about shit recently and I've determined that we are in fact living in the future. We can fix our eyes with lasers (as mentioned in an earlier blog), the presidential canidates are a woman, an African American, and a zombie, I ride an electric powered train everyday, I have thouasands of songs in my pocket, porn is literally everywhere and crazier then ever, Charlton Heston is dead (but has yet to come back), etc. etc.

Jack Black, let's hang out sometime.

No pictures for this round, Emerson library laziness////

I guess that means I'm officially back in the blog. So here I am blogoshpere, have at me!

Alex Trebeck

2008-02-29T19:30:00.002-05:00

Just a quick note.

I'm sitting here and catch a whiff of ganj. I think to myself "Suppose I'll join them" obviously referring to someone presumably smoking in the basement. Then I realized I was at home. Phantom smells abound!

Printed Indexes

2008-02-25T11:12:00.002-05:00

On location blogging, live from the Emergunz library. After developing photos this morning, I took a nap in the library, and now I'm here with time to kill. Overall the library is pretty tight. Nice chairs, the interweb, and a bathroom that no one ever uses and is perfect for on campus grumping.

Weekend Update:
Friday - Snow. Cancelled my trip back to the mother land. Dave "Skull Crusher" Roy is back stateside. I crush Pat "The Beard" Howley in an exhibition chess match at the laundrymat. I'll give it to the kid, he put up a good fight, but after I got my queen behind his lines, it was all over. Probably the first game I've played when both queens made it to the end.

Saturday - Roy clan comprised of Melissa "Bezerk" Roy, Alison "Pangea" Roy, and the aforementioned Skull Crusher visit Crimebridge. Dave was jetlagged and appeared confused. Considering he had just traveled from the opposite side of the world and to him it was 4am, I forgive him. Tight lunch at Atwoods per usual even though I tried to lobby for an alternate dining situation. I led an expedition to Harvard Square, and despite my lack of knowledge on that area I got us within a block of our destination. Victory.

Sunday - Put up some record numbers in CoD4. Mercenary Death Match was my game of choice. My top game yielded the following numbers: 31 Kills, 5 Assists, and 11 deaths. Considering the game is to 75 kills, I was involved in nearly half of them. Just shows how 1337 I am. Dave needs to fix his guy so we can tear newbs together. Took some photos. Oscars the Grouch was on the tube later. No Country puts up a good showing. Norbit got shafted yet again, this time by some French movie... lame

Anyone know of any good Boston improv places or comedy clubs? I'm looking to take in a few shows. Maybe finally slap my stand-up routine together for some open mic stuff. Bust some guts. That would be a tight summer job, stand-up comic. Is that even possible? Can I be a part time funny man? Don't ask me for my jokes. I think only two or three people have heard them.

Quick convo with Joe "Club Soda" Harris. Required reading, Catch-22. Kart/Smash battle plans are mentioned, date remains a phantom.

No pic today because I hate the library computers. Also, two posts ago, it would appear as though my picture has disappeared (I would like to thanks reader Matt "USB 2.0" Murray for pointing this out). The pic was a delightful photoshop that involved Castro and baseball. Hugo Chavez was thrown in there somewhere as well. Hilarious!

Surround Sound

2008-02-23T17:16:00.002-05:00

Basement blogging. Seeking new music, looking to patch the holes in my lyrical offensive line. Recent music find: M.I.A.. Pretty tight beats.

Elephants. Imagine being a Roman legionnaire and seeing an elephant in battle? Would have made you rethink the world. Seriously, when would a soldier have seen an elephant before that? Then one day they battle the huns, and the the mother fuckers are riding elephants. Bonkers.

The modern day has crushed the adventurer. How many uncharted islands are there in the world these days? I would say 7-14, tops. Imagine sailing the world, hoping to Hell that you were right in the flat v round argument. Then there was the fact that you were sailing around the world... baller, original gangster.

Butt Kicking

2008-02-20T15:20:00.003-05:00

Blogging from the living room. Shit is real word, so much less cold then my room. If our apartment was the galaxy, my room would be Hoth. Moving on...

I wore shorts on Sunday. It was great, I could almost taste the BBQ. The weather was really dank, unexplainable. Also Pat and I discovered and thoroughly crushed a baller Indian restaurant. There is already a post-blog leftover party planned, and I'm the only person on the guest list.

Milan v Arsenal on projector

I'm through with winter. Its gotten rather old by now. If it isn't going to snow then, I mean, let's just warm things up here. Get people into shorts more often. Make people believe in global warming.

Matt Murray crushed his first brew yesterday. This ensued:

2008-02-13T14:57:00.002-05:00

Lack of solid postings lately has been brought on by mondo work in the Emersonz department. Had a lot of thing on my mind recently. Jesus, rapist, etc. Such is the life of a writer. Speaking of which, writers can work again! Huzzah!

Recently Dave Hyde has been coming at me with threats. I've shaved my beard, save my mustache and the status of whether or not my hair will share the same fate is DtD.

Goddesses. Hyde the younger once said that all Emerson girls are goddesses. At first I scoffed at his rookie remarks. But now, since I only appear at school four times a week, and I'm not bombarded with crappy Emerson folk all day, I think I can see where he was coming from. Plain and simple some Emerson girls are goddesses. But I guess that's true with the world these days.

I need to do laundry. Wheather is killing me. Spring deliver us from this winter soon...

Take Out

2008-02-12T00:04:00.000-05:00

I was riding the T this morning, reading Bill Simmons, and Bosstones came up over my earpiece. Boston.

Crazy weather this past weekend. Cold today, snow in the future.

hAD SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO BLOG ABOUT. fORGOT IT. iNVERTED CASES!

Photography is really about making art out of things we can see with our own eyes. Almost like pointing to things and telling people to look. Open some eyes now and then.

I think my soul has repaired most of the damage following the fallout of XLII. Baseball starts soon. Which means the sun comes soon. Which means the meat and beer times come soon. Winter.

Red Elf Needs Food Badly

2008-01-30T14:40:00.000-05:00

I saw an advert on the T the other day for laser eye surgery. It was at this moment when I realised that we live in the future. Glasses? Contact lenses? Fuck that! We fix our eyes with lasers! Fucking lasers! Like the shit that scared the crap out of people only, what, 50 years ago? Now we wield the mighty laser to do our bidding, and correct our stigmas.

Matt and I went to the C's game about a week ago. Lost by two to the Canadian Dinosaurs. Triple digit scores for both sides. Fulkerson curse continues, I'm waiting until we're blacklisted from Celtics games.

Football game this weekend. The superbowl has always been a bittersweet event for me. Its great because its the super bowl and the two best teams are playing (sometimes...), but its sucks because it means no pigskin for another year. If the Pats win, I get a free haircut thanks to the legendary Damian Vasquez! Granted its going to be his call when we get to the barber, but whatev. Haircuts are the most retarded thing to pay for. It would be like paying someone to brush your teeth. Hair is hair.

Sea Monster

2008-01-19T16:28:00.000-05:00

Lack of blogs = lack of things happening in my life these days. No school, no work, minimal other things, maximum Call of Duty 4. I have literally wasted the last weeks or so of my life. Vacation? Maybe. I just feel like a turd. I now understand how people can become reclusive and antisocial these days. Time the only true constant, fucking always keeping us going. School starts in few days, a welcome return to normalcy. Doing work will make me feel worthy again.

Poop. It is literally up in you all the time. Now. Later. Tomorrow. Literally any time there is poop in you. Just thought of that while I was dropping some grumpage. Tight visual for ya there. Spellcheck disagrees with grumpage.... and spellcheck.

Need something new to enter the scene. Something fresh, maybe someone fresh? Everyday holds infinite possibilities. Risk

Patri-truths on Sunday. Chargers are lame. Still can't believe the Giants have made it this far. Check Eli boozing:

Stadium Seating

2008-01-15T17:38:00.001-05:00

Thoughts from yesterday. Chess. trees. snow. lights. pizza. markers. The future will have good things. Great things. But it will also have horrible things. Cicadas only live about a day and a half, yet they change the world. Really crazy things.

Pasta Sauce

2008-01-09T22:47:00.000-05:00

Back in 9 fulkerson. Carnage from news yearz still isn't fully repaired. Probably never will be. We seem to be holding out on our rent until Alpha comes to clean the floors. Standoff of the year! Zing! 2008 joke right off the bat.

New room mate. One Macklin in the unit. Good stuff. Basement is now in full functioning mode. Something Hyde never accomplished.

I voted yesturday, last day in NH. Primaries. Today I found out my guy was done with trying to be prez of this nation. Bummer. Have to vote for the other, other guy now. Second choice will most likely bite it as well.

Hyde is a global traveler. I shudder at the thought. Some things shouldn't be released unto the world. Hyde is one of them. Real toxic stuff. Very legit.

Obligatory pic:

Goodbye Royal

2007-12-31T12:43:00.001-05:00

Saturday was the shittiest day of my life, pun very much intended. That being said, the following blog is a very real, very graphic, and very disgusting account of my last few days.

Friday - Woozy all day. Light headed, nothing serious. I thought it was a catagory 1.5 hangover. Nothing to bitch about. Typical side effects from tequila consumption. Olive Garden dinner. Delicious, but deadly. This would not be the last time I would see that dish of Chicken Alfredo...

Saturday - All hell breaks lose in my gastro-intestinal tract. I literally shit about 25 times that day. Except it was like peeing out my butt. Miserable. Like a gypsy had placed a curse on me. I was powerless, my guts were revolting against me and there was nothing I could do. The climax came when I booted for about three minutes straight. Jet engine style. Chicken Alfredo made a cameo appearance.

Sunday - Day of rest. My guts needed to rebuild. Actually was able to eat food. Needed to regain strength. Crushed the toon Disney channel. Aladdin was the shit. Made plans.

Today - Nearing full strength. Able to make solid shits and fart without crapping my pants (seriously it sucks not being able to fart). I still can't eat food without feeling weird. Fuck that. Tonight is gonna be ill. Winchester meets Manchester with a dash of Auburn. Its going to be like the Flinstones meets the Jetsons (tight movie).

Drunkocity

2007-12-23T02:05:00.000-05:00

OKAY, so here it is. No spellm checks, none of that sit. a real blog from the dark dungeins of drunkeness. so here it goees.

My cat is the shit. doesnt matter wht his nam is I calllll him whatever i want. cat, dog, weiner, bro, homie, slice, kimbo slice, whatever. he is the shit. je follows me arounl all day every day. younknow wht ? fuck this ! fuck blog@ its gay@

Rhythm Vampires

2007-12-21T12:48:00.000-05:00

Here is a rare first draft of my Christmas list this year. It was promptly rejected by "Santa":

1) Time Machine - Doesn't have to be the Delorian model, but that would be the sweetest.

2) Statometer - How many times have you wanted to know certain things. Like how many times have I farted in my life, how many times I've used the letter F, how many peanuts I've eaten, etc.

3) Clone - two Roys twice the rant!

4) Slave - pretty self explanatory. Did kids get slaves from their plantation owner uncles back in the day?

5) Sex Slave - see #4. This one is just really hot.

6) Magic Lamp - Since I'm not a moron like Aladin, I could really benefit from a magic lamp.

7) True Love - O RLY?

8) An official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle, with a compass in the stock and 'this thing' which tells time - Shot my eye out.

THE INTERNET

2007-12-17T19:42:00.001-05:00

The internet spreads some sweet info, but a lot of garbage as well. I will elaborate on a later date. But I found this pic I thought was pretty tight.

Nintendo Wii

2007-12-16T11:48:00.000-05:00

Crazy storm today, almost as crazy as the storm thats about to drop in Foxborough *zing*! So now we've gotten a whole big dump of snow, the city is going crazy. Mayor Mumbles' eyes are probably dripping blood after what happened earlier this week. Snow makes things happen. Like Hyde said, it brings peeps together, the social glue of the world, or... were it snows anyway. But it also has a negative side, like crack from the sky. So I'm gonna break down shit right now.

Pros:

- Camaraderie - Like mentioned earlier, snow brings people together. It forces people to interact. There is no where to go, so you kind of have to play board games, and promptly lose Monopoly to me.

- Excuses - Snow is the ultimate excuse for being late... or not going at all period. Seriously, I walk to the train, and then take the train, two things that aren't effected by snow. So realistically I shouldn't be any later then normal. However, I've definitely busted nuts on this excuse several times this year, and in high school.

- Battles - Good snow drives wedges between people. Not evil wedges, but wedges that require bases to be constructed and orbs of ice to be formed. Shit gets crazy. You have to be eternally aware of what's going on. At any time someone could snatch your grill and white wash your dumb ass. Good times.

Cons:

- Idiots - Snow makes people retarded. I realized this after what happened on Monday. How can people forget how snow fucks shit up? We live in New England, snow town USA. Shit happens here. Fucking Nor'Easters are named after this shit. Yet fools forget, and motherfuckers drive like fools.

- Transit - The T. Nuff said.

- Invisible Puddles - Beware. Next to sidewalks these beasts lurk. They look like pavement, but really they're a half frozen ice drink that is... A TRAP! I had to jump over a few earlier this week whilst dodging traffic (good thing I have a high agility score, reflex saves FTW!).

Bassheadz be blasting,
My body be fasting,
I need some food now,
Gotta gets me some chow
.