Been a while, but fuck that not like ya'll care anyway. Hopefully you've been able to mine your humor nuggets elsewhere on the interwebs in my leave. Alas I have returned to provide you with some well placed wit and mirth to make you daily LOL quotient that much higher. Or maybe you'll think it's totally shit, entirely up to you. So without further ado, I present a new edition of 5 Awesome Things and 1 That Sucks (or whatever I'm calling this thing). Today's topic: Badass Villains.
1) Hans Gruber
(Figure 4.1: Yes we can... defeat John McClain and run off with a zillion dollars in bonds!)
Hans is a bad ass villain for a mountain of reasons. He gets a race bonus of +15 to villainy for being German. His accent just sounds better saying things like 'Kill HIM!' moreso than it does 'Let me bag that for you'. Needless to say, he was born to be badass. An underestimated trait of Gruber's is that he understands the value (or non-value) of the henchman. Henchmen are something you need, but dont' necessarily want to pay, much like a production assistant. Along the way you're most likely going to lose a handfull or two to the hero, so don't blow all your cash arming these idiots to the teeth, because John McClain, or Rambo, or whoever hero is in your grill is going to end up with those weapons anyway. Instead Hans, chooses his team wisely, filling out his ranks with a bucket of schmucks with a badass super-hench to back them up. Then, as they get picked off, Hans doesn't sweat it, because that means more money for him and his Urkel rip-off hacker dude. "Now I have a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho." Indeed!
2) Xenia Onatop
(Figure 4.2: Mr. Bond, it appears as though you're in a bit of a bind. MUAHAHAHA!)
James Bond has come across a lot of hilariously jokey names in his time (Pussy Galore, Honey Rider, Plenty O'Toole, and Strawberry Fields come to mind). You would think after a while the world's greatest spy would just start rolling his eyes whenever someone went to introduce themselves. He'd be all like 'Let me guess sexy lady, you're name is... Ivanna Fuke?'. Anyway, Xenia Onatop is one of my fave Bond villains, and not only for her incredibly jokeful name. What separates her from the rest of the Bond Baddie pack is her ... erm... talents. Ms. Onatop (tee hee) gets off on hurting other people, more specifically squeezing people to death with her fine-ass legs. Both hot and terrifying, much like the Double Down. Most villains like killing, Xenia likes LIKES killing, more than a friend if you catch my drift. Ironically JB kills her by crushing her, more or less, with a helicopter. Gotta give it to Bond, he knows how to handle women... amiright?!
3) Boba Fett
(Figure 4.3: Boba Fett: Hunter of Men, Slayer of Women)
Boba is hands down the baddest assed clone to ever exist... well besides maybe that time when Lex Luthor cloned himself. Anyway, imagine if you cloned yourself. You'd literally know everything about you, and could therefore counter all of your weaknesses by teaching yourself how not to suck. Now imagine if you're the illest soldier in the galaxy and the government has just offered you a shitload of credits for an army worth of your clones. As payment I'd totally ask for a test model... I mean why not? Taking care of a clone of yourself would be easier than caring for a cat. So anyway, Boba Fett is Jano Fett but basically with a lifetime of experience. Plus he totally fell in the Sarlac Pit and didn't die. Baller.
4) Lex Luthor
(Figure 4.4: Because of Superman, someone is gonna be down 40 cakes...)
Like all these articles, you can't escape without a comic book reference. So here is arguably my favorite comic book villain, Lex Luthor. For starters, he hates Superman as much as I do. Honestly, Superman is a dork, and a douche... and a fucking asshole. If it wasn't for Superman, Earth wouldn't constantly be hosting these insane battles against Supes and whatever alien wants to battle his dumb ass. Luthor, a mere mortal, is all like 'fuck that, I don't like aliens playin' all up on my Earth'. So without any powers, minus a big 'ol bald brain, Luthor goes about building an empire to crush Superman. So basically its a nerd versus one of the strongest beings in the universe. Think of it this way: if Superman wasn't on Earth, Luthor would be the world's greatest hero. He seriously hates Superman that much, and that's badass.
5) Bowser
(Figure 4.5: Fuck you Mario. PS DO NOT google image search for Bowser and Peach... trust me)
A key ingredient for all villainy is persistence. Never, EVER, are you going to defeat the hero on the first go-round. Shit like that just doesn't happen. And if for some reason it does? Mother fuckers have extra lives coming out of their pockets like they grow on trees. Sometimes the villain just can't catch a god damn break, yet they keep coming back. Therefore, persistence translates well into badassness, and good ol Bowser has boatloads. All poor Bowser has wanted for damn near 20 years is a little princess pussy. He doesn't want to rule the world, or have infinite riches, or irradiate the world's gold supply. No. He just wants Princess Toadstool. If you ask me that's pretty damn romantic. Then this fucking plunger wielding guido somehow shows up, stomps through his minions, and runs off with aforementioned female royalty. So weak. Despite Mario ruining his life perpetually for two decades, Bowser has no problem showing up for the mustachioed maniac's go-kart races, golf tournaments, or block parties. Bowser is a real stand up guy, someone...er something, I wouldn't mind grabbing a beer with. Mario needs to lighten up and face the fact that Princess is a whore, and maybe she wants to be capture every now and then. Didn't think about that one eh Mario?
1) Biff Tannen
(Figure 4.6: Seriously Biff... you're name is a sound effect)
Normally a villain is given one chance to win. Sure they may best the hero here and there, but overall their ass is going to get kicked and they're going to end up face first in a pile of horseshit. Seriously. The reason Biff (and his past and future selves) is the one that sucks is because he literally has infinite chances to Best the McFly clan. YOU HAVE A FUCKING TIME MACHINE IDIOT! Or at least he did once in the second one. Yet what does Biff do when he has access to the famed DeLorean? He sends his past self a sports almanac... fuck. that. You can literally go anywhere in time, do anything you want, yet you choose to let your past self know the Cleveland Brown's record for the next 50 years. A Butthead indeed.
