Fruity Pebbles

Out of the mist there emerged.... a ROY! Seriously folks it's been a while. Last post had something to do with the Osacars... whatever those are. Anyway, to get my blog juices (mmmmm, blog juice) flowing I decided to start a new series of posts called '5 things that are awesome and one that sucks'. Basically, I'll tell you about five things that I really dig. Throughout the course of the article, by using subtle mind control and clever writing techniques, I'll convince you that you also like these things. Then, since I hate so much stuff, I'll include one thing that sucks. So this is the pilot episode of "5 Things that are Awsome and 1 That Sucks". I promise it'll be better then The Jay Leno Show:

Today's Episode: Fruit

Now I really like fruit, a lot. It's hard not to like fruit. Someone the other day told me that they didn't like fruit. WHAT?! How can someone discredit an entire piece of the food pyramid? There are so many different fruits out there, and saying you don't like them all is just straight up fruitist. Anyway, those people who don't like fruit are crazy and wrong. For all ya'll who don't hate on my seeded brethren. Here's 5 fruits that are awesome (and 1 that sucks).

1) Strawberry: There is a reason why strawberries are involved with satin sheets and candlelight. It's because they're a fuckin' sexy fruit. Cover them in chocolate and watch the panties drop. Sweet, bite sized little piece of red gold. Whoever ate the first strawberry probably ended up being the tribe leader, because when he brought that shit back to camp everyone probably went ape shit. Name me one berry that is better. Blackberries are close, raspberries are gay, and blueberries are better in pie/muffin form. Fact: Strawberries are the best berry.

(Figure 1.1: Look how sexy this fruit is... seriously)

2) Watermelon: You know during the summer, when you're hot and sticky and feel like death? Besides beer, the only thing that could make you feel better is a massive slice of watermelon. I've made it my goal to always bring a whole watermelon to any party I go to. Why? Because unlike bean salad, the king of all melons won't go bad in the hot sun and will get eaten. There is just something so visceral about tearing open a melon, ripping out its guts, then feasting upon its flesh as its juices dribble down your face. Bring one of these camping, have everyone laugh at you, then they'll realize on the last day that when they're too hungover to eat real food, the watermelon reigns supreme.

(Figure 1.2: Even turtles like watermelons. You can always trust turtles)

3) Bananas: Some guys don't like bananas because of their phallic nature. Well I think that's quite gay of them. Literally I suppose. Combine these guys with strawberries and you have the original fruit combo flavor (also my favorite yogurt flave). Bananas are an awesome fruit because they are unlike any other fruit around. Opening a banana isn't a hassle like the aforementioned watermelon or even an orange. You just tear that baby open like a Christmas present and feast upon its pale shaft of potassium. Alright... maybe a little gay.

(Figure 1.3: I AM A BANANA!)

4) Tomatoes: Ha. Scientific curve ball mother fuckers!! Have you had a sandwich with a tomato? Now try it without. LAME! Tomatoes also make ketchup, tomato sauce, tomato juice (eh?). I'm growing six plants of these bad boys in my backyard right now. WHO WANTS A TAMATAH!?

(Figure 1.4: Look at how much this mother fucker loves tomatoes)

5) Cherries: A bit underrated, but a good sack full of cherries is most pleasing to my tasting buds. Cherries are often pigeon holed into the condiment group thanks to ice cream and their evil cousin the maraschino cherry. The real deal cherries are the tits. Not to mention the fact that there is a firework named after them. Cherry also happens to be one of the best candy flavors also known as red. Plus, like sunflower seeds, they come with that added bonus of being able to spit something out after consumption and not look like a jerk doing so. Pitooie! Now bring me a goblet full of cherries!

(Figure 1.5: The forgotten Fruit of the Loom fruit)

Now for the one that sucks:

1) Durian: Humans are blessed with a sense of smell that usually lets us know things our other senses fail to. Such as if something is rotten or dying or garbage. Typically fruits have a smell like a flower or something. In fact many fruits are often used for scratch and sniff stickers or air fresheners or whatever. Not the durian. This little monster found in South East Asia smells like a baby threw-up on some dying fish that at one point had eaten dirty socks. Whoof. These things smell so bad, you can't bring them into public places in Singapore (the subway, cabs, parks, elevators, hotels, etc.). You literally have to eat them on the spot, or rush them home. Not to mention the fact that the actual fruit, which looks like a brain, is trapped inside a massive spike laden orb. To actually get to the fruit you have to take a machete to the thing like its a zombie head. The fruit itself taste like a thick, putrid custard... thing. I really don't know how to describe it. Oh yeah, it also raises your blood pressure and makes you sweat. As if smelling like shit and being covered in spikes wasn't enough to get you to not eat this damn thing. If you find one, try it... but don't say I didn't warn you.

(Figure 1.6: The fine for durians? You are removed from existence)